Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Flash or Flasha

After such a wondrously inspiring speech, all you get is this four-quarter, six-touchdown textual trainwreck of a beatdown. I apologize.

He/she saw the orange Necco wafer on the counter top and started to cry. He/she remembered fondly the orange his and her towel set Rudy bought him/her ages ago during pomegranate days ablaze with worry; how it burned so beautifully, perfumed their his and her blacklit bedroom, Ed Wood bust draped with bustiers.

Then Rudy stole his/her Necco wafers.

"Haberdasher, is everything alright?"


"Haberdasher, your change."

"Keep it. I've got all the Necco wafers I need."

Haberdasher, defiant in the face of regurgitated tragedy, reached into his pocket, only to immediately slump in the nearest chair, huge, weeping tears salting Mrs. Wingle's short stack, a pack of Mentos rolling out of his sweaty palm to rest against the carafe of syrup.


And he died. The end.


Übermilf said...

While you obviously didn't like this particular opening sentence, I applaud your keeping the "he/she" and not simply picking one like everyone else.

And I think the NEXT opening sentence should include "Ed Wood bust draped with bustiers" somewhere.

sunshine said...

I loved this.
Does that mean that there is something wrong with me??



Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You could have named your hero/heroine Pat or Chris or even Jacky and been done with it. Or Graves, for that matter.


Do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here?



Randal Graves said...

übermilf, you misunderstand (or, more likely, I have a poor grasp of Englsh) I enjoyed the starter sentence; I just did shit with it, minus busty Ed Wood.

I'm submitting that sucker and you better vote for it.

sunshine, it means you wear men's suits and I wear cashmere sweaters.

tengrain, that's the easy way out. No one could have foreseen the he/she dyad.

Lay off the steroids.

Übermilf said...

By the way, when's your birthday?

Christopher said...

Hillary should never let her eyebrows go. The result is terrifying.

David Barber said...

Randal, loved the he/she bit (not a bad looker on the photo-after a few beers... ;-) )
I would love to see inside your head.....but doubt I could handle it.
Not too shabby considering you forgot.

Regards mate, David.

Holte Ender said...

He/She saw the orange Necco wafer on the counter top and started to cry. It reminded He/She of the emotional day of His/Her 1st Holy Communion, when the wicked Altar Boy/Girl laced Father/Mother O'Reilly's altar wine with acid. He/She, as always, took a nip of the altar wine before the ceremonies began. Sister/Brother Mary Magdelan never forgave He/She or Father/Mother O'Reilly for ruining the ritual when they both screamed out "Look at the colors, Look at the colors."

Cormac Brown said...


You phoned it in, dammit!

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, that's the geekiest thing of all time. I'm throwing horns as we speak. (black metal would've been better, but I don't want Mr. Lee to die from a stroke)

christopher, bwah!

david, imagine if I actually remembered, it might be remotely adequate!

holte, if they had laced the wine with acid, well, I wouldn't have remained Catholic, but it would've been more fun while it lasted.

cormac, and this is different from the previous fourteen times, how?

Liberality said...

Do you have to write something even if you do not like the starter sentence?

Mary Ellen said...

I always thought Necco's were a communist plot.

Demeur said...

There must be something to this. I was thrown out of class for eating Necco's. Made to stand in the cloakroom. Long before he/shes came out of the closet. I said closet not cloakroom.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, your story was an on/off treat.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, only in a dictatorship. If I may be serious for a moment, if you choose to participate, you MUST, I said MUST, use the starter sentence. Otherwise, Cormac takes one more pound of flesh. That boy sure can eat a lot.

nunly, they taste as good as I imagine Soviet food did.

demeur, I always figured you as having a Necco fetish.

SWA, which is certainly better than always off, like the success of Cleveland winning championships.

Beach Bum said...

Was John Waters consulted on this story?

And the character of "Rudy" made me think of the flaming conservative retard and former mayor of the great city of New York.

Great story, even with me confused.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Meh, I've done worse. (and so has s/he.)



Lisa said...

Are you trying to restart the Necco Wars of 2007?

MRMacrum said...

You make me chuckle Randal. Ed Wood......excellent. The he in me held his nose at first until the she in me kicked the he' in me's ass to look at things from both sides. Seemed to work for Ed just fine. A big thumb's up from my him and my her.

Tom Harper said...

What a sweet story.

nazareth priest said...

I am so confused:!?!
Ah, well, it's for the best, I guess!

Randal Graves said...

BB, I can assure you with all assurance that and resemblance to Rudy! 9/11 Superstar is purely coincidental.

tengrain, I do worse every day.

lisa, are you kidding? Neccoland is the Graveyard of Bloggers.

mrmacrum, anima often kicks animus' ass, especially about cutting the grass.

tom, just trying to bring a little romance back to this jaded world.

NP, flip a coin after each paragraph, that should help.

Cormac Brown said...

"Otherwise, Cormac takes one more pound of flesh. That boy sure can eat a lot."

Now, see, I was going to come over and apologize for snapping at you. But then, you had to go and bring up my cannibalistic tendencies...

Freida Bee, MD said...

I understand "he" died, what happened to "she?"

nazareth priest said...

Randal: Oh, I get it now...thanks for the "tip":<)!!

Anonymous said...

Digital Memory sure is becoming cheaper these days. I'm curious as to when we will eventually reach the ratio of 1 cent to 1 Gigabyte.

I eagerly wait for the day when I will finally be able to afford a 20 TB hard disk, hahaha. But for now I will be happy with having a 32 gig Micro SD Card in my R4i.

(Posted by Nintendo DS running [url=http://kwstar88.insanejournal.com/397.html]R4i[/url] NetPost)