Saturday, February 20, 2010

Yahooiana, yahooery, yahooism, yahooish, get your yahoos out, yahoo.

Dearest Yahoo fantasy league fellows,

Please cease and desist offering your desiccated pieces-parts and names flush with nothing but past glories for a package of Tim Duncan and Kevin Durant. It only proves my suspicions, that you are either stupid or a fool -- or, more disconcerting, suffer from a debilitating physical and/or psychological addiction to a Schedule I controlled substance. Seek clinical assistance immediately.

All the best,


Since our fearless leader is purposely lost in places unknown, no doubt sampling the local fare as he drinks in daytime teevee, there will be no sexy flashing this week for though Maine's favorite son has volunteered his services, I fear he remains stuck doing his impression of Tool Time.

Thus, let me take this golden ticket to address something that has churned and turned its gears within my brain, for I too have suffered from burnout and/or dreaming about global thermonuclear war's comical aftermath and/or gleefully decimating times ten an entire battalion of elected officials.

Us penmanshippers need to buck up. Instead of going for the tried-and-true seppuku when we're in a rage against machinery, we should learn to take it out, not on ourselves, but on others. That's what cubicle jockeys and governments do, right? If they, of all entities, can get away with it, why not us? Hell, I never signed the Rome Statute. Did you?

Now, everyone stand still. My eyesight's bad.

Oh alright, we'll save the not-entirely-random act of sensible violence for later. I'll cautiously admit, I'm a bit of a sap, so shall we close today's coagulation of encephalitic fluids with a confectionery verse?

Think that I shall never see
An internets lovely as a tree?
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against some hottie's heaving breast --
It's only a screen. Hey, 'tis HD --
A tree that looks at porn all day,
And lifts his tired arms to say:
Where's my fucking coffee, bub?
Don't make me drown you in the tub.
This is a library, dumbass. No one blogs for free: gas, grass or
Poems, made by fools like me,
But only Monsanto can genetically alter a tree.

If you stand far away and squint, this post looks like an oil puddle.


La Belette Rouge said...

LOVE-LOVE-LOVE the Alfred Joyce Kilmer redux. Fantastic confectionary verse and it wasn't so sweet as to ruin my coffee. Thanks!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

...looks like an oil puddle.

Well, it looks like a puddle anyway. Or maybe a poodle, froggy.



Utah Savage said...

I too love the poem. You still got the chops my little lamb.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, merci, but I fear that his ghost shall rise from the trenches, haunting me for purposely butchering his work.

tengrain, if only I could find a way to convert this blog into oil, I could wean myself off the grid determined to strangle the rest of you into oblivion.

utah, chops? Lamb? Now I'm hungry for the charred parts of dead animals.

sunshine said...

Your poem made me smile. Which is HUGE today, believe me.

I've had enough people taking their shit out on me in blogland. Please don't encourage it.


susan said...

You've certainly given Ogden Nash something to think about.. if he were still alive, that is.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, now who's giving you crap? Want me to assassinate them?

susan, Steve Nash is still alive, though I never watched Nash Bridges. Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook are all nice towns.

CJT said...

I too loved the poem, and I have to say it does look like an oil spill from farther away...

Hey at least you are keeping us somewhat entertained... pretty sad when I come here to find enjoyment.

Oh and I think we did try the dining room table... or was that your little brother?

Tom Harper said...

You're right, it does look like an oil puddle from far away. Or maybe it could be one of those Rorschach Inkblots, you know, where you tell your therapist what the inkblot looks like and the therapist looks deep into your psyche and tells you what a twisted F$%^&#! you are.

I'm seeing -- uh, forget it...

Room Mom Helper said...

Why you gotta bring up Monsanto?

Few things on this earth get me madder than Monsanto.

Cormac Brown said...

"Since our fearless leader is purposely lost in places unknown"

Must kill Moose and Squirrel.

You done Joyce proud and yeah, I'm watching "Broken Arrow." Danica Patrick wasn't in the top twenty, so I gave up on that.

Beach Bum said...

Think that I shall never see
An internets lovely as a tree?
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against some hottie's heaving breast --

Is this a Kilmer influenced by H.P Lovecraft or a H.P. Lovecraft poem influenced by Joyce Kilmer?

A horny tree engaging in sex gives a whole new meaning to the term "woody".

TomCat said...

Randal, your poem is outrageous... beautifully outrageous.

Anonymous said...

You have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever.

Demeur said...

Fake sex, fake food, internet violence, how do I know that that I'm not just a figment of someone else's imagination?

MRMacrum said...

One of your Best Randal. Just excellent. Even with the poach.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I'm giving your name to John Yoo.



S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, you blew it. You should've posted this the last Friday in April. Face it, in blogging as in life, timing is everything.

Randal Graves said...

CJT, if I'm a source of enjoyment, you really should reevaluate your life. I don't have a brother, so might have been the mailman.

tom, we know what you see, commie.

übermilf's second (third?) 99 cent disguise, why do you think I brought it up?

cormac, what would happen if she did, would there be an actual Go Daddy follow-up worth watching?

BB, every piece of writing has multiple interpretations. Congratulations on horny trees, just don't tell Tolkien.

tomcat, I fear my mock pieces are better than my real ones.

Obama playing an XBox made from the bones of dead Afghans, now that'd be funny.

demeur, have bills to pay? Yes? You are very real.

mrmacrum, thanks, which is strange because I prefer scrambled to poached.

tengrain, go ahead, I'm not a village therefore I'm safe. Whew!

SWA, it's Arbor Day somewhere. We just need a time machine to get there.

Cormac Brown said...

"what would happen if she did, would there be an actual Go Daddy follow-up worth watching?"


Dr. Zaius said...

I am guessing that tree porn involves roots and lots of mulching... ;o)