Saturday, March 20, 2010

Burnt Offerings, Or, The Customer Is Always An Idiot


















I'm not sure whether this corpse is me suffering from bloggy burnout or one of those patrons who, like clockwork, when picking up their book orders feel it very vital and important and necessary to both national security and our symbiotic emotional well-being 'cause we're all in this together person whom I won't see again until you return your books late and then never again because you're off to your cubicle, stuffs the immediate vicinity with a hot, stifling air of why they ordered these particular tomes and what their research entails thus forcing my hand into dousing them with lighter fluid, striking a match and giving them the reverse monk protest because, shockingly, gasp, I don't care.

















That's what you get for not taking your books and going.

I hope someone remembered the hot dogs and marshmallows.

41 comments:

Dusty said...

As an advocate for decency and politeness, I really miss the 'customer is always right' type of behavior.

Who am I kidding...fuck the morons!

David Barber said...

Randal, I thought you were some kind of chemist or hospital worker type. It doesnt' actually say what you are on your profile, apart from the fact that you could be slightly crazy...in a good way. ;-) Or are you the mild mannered librarian during the day and 'hong kong crazy' at night?

I think that corpse could be the old lady giving the finger after her crash diet.

Sherry Peyton said...

Oh gee wiz, now I have to struggle to remove THAT image from my mind all day. Way to go Randal, another one for the screamin' meanies.

Holte Ender said...

No wonder library patronage is plummeting, the cost of asbestos clothing just pick up books is prohibitive.

Übermilf said...

What do you expect, considering where you work? Aren't ALL college students insufferable?

also.

It's snowing here today which means it will be snowing there tomorrow. Just so you know.

okjimm said...

Hey... I am doing some research.... what do you think I should read?...c'mon... help me out here! what's a good book to read.... gees, really, Library Guy.... do you have any magazines in this place? Really. Where do you keep the good books?

susan said...

It's way too early in the day for enjoying the smell of roast pork.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, fuck the customer.

david, to be a chemist, one must presumably be smart and to be a hospital worker one must presumably have empathy, which is why I went to college in Hong Kong.

sherry, glad I could be of service.

holte, must be why we're staying in business. Enough asbestos in this building to take on a volcano.

übermilf, all humans are, but my disdain for the college jerk is primarily rooted in their aversion to technology save when used for texting, sexting and facebooking.

okjimm, good books? Here? Well, we did used to have Playboy on microfilm years ago.

susan, I suppose some patrons are cops. Thank you, thank you.

Demeur said...

Let's see you try that little trick with me buster. I'll just spew something radioactive back at ya. Didn't even need to pay for my asbestos lining. Job perks you know.

Tengrain said...

Eat at Roy's!

Regards,

Tengrain

PS - I am off to the library today for a lecture and to return some books that I had checked out for research on a particularly vexing problem I'm having à la cuisine...

David Barber said...

Randal, you still didn't tell me what you do. Uber obviously knows. I'm just a nosy Brit. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, you don't think I've picked up toxic protection from toxins via the Cuyahoga River through osmosis?

tengrain, don't move, I want to set this pile of briquettes up right.

david, master of ceremonies, duh. ;-)

sunshine said...

You are, without a doubt, The Meanest fucking librarian EVER!

You know I love that about you.. :P

((Hugs))
Laura

TomCat said...

Dang it Randal! Did you hack my computer?!!? That looks like my ex wife!! ;-)

Beach Bum said...

I bet you are just mad cause you saw someone with a Kindle.

Tom Harper said...

Hey, I recognize that picture at the top. He/she/it was the victim on CSI: New York the other night.

Demeur said...

Why Randal surely you jest. The sparkling clear waters of the Cuyahoga river haven't caught fire in such a long time.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Aw nuts, don't have bloggy burnout. I just got rested up. ;)

Do I owe any money, Mr. Librarian? can i was dishes or something to work it off, 'cause we both know I do?

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thatgirl said...

But, but! You're my favorite librarian!

Of course you want to hear about my crackpot theories about the Civil war and the Trilateral Commission.

And by the way, can I borrow some ink eradicator?

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, whoever started the idea that the customer is king was a fucking tool.

tom, that explains the divorce proceedings. ;-)

BB, I did, but we set him on fire.

tom, no one does an empty sunglasses stare like Caruso.

demeur, not on a large scale, no. So we've got that going for us.

FB, you owe 5.2 million. That's a lot of dishes and we don't eat that much. You can color code the bound periodicals.

GIANT PENIS!

thatgirl, we should have him get in contact with that Jesuits-run-the-world guy.

Cormac Brown said...

Patrons, can't live with them, and you can't kill them north of the Mexican Border.

Even though my tongue is firmly in cheek, this will come back to bite, because that's how f**cked patrons are.

Mary Ellen said...

LOL! I think Hollywood is missing the chance to produce a great movie about you, Randal. I could see it now...you helping a patron as you are seemingly listening to their babble but then they show what you are thinking, just like that picture. I think you could end up getting an academy award (of course, I would insist that you star in the role). Not to mention, your acceptance speech would be fun to watch. :-)

sunshine said...

Ha! Mary Ellen, his acceptance speech would be to look into the camera and flip everyone the bird.
Don't doubt it ....

((Hugs))
Laura

Mary Ellen said...

Laura- LOL! I can see it all now...

Randal Graves said...

cormac, did you really censor yourself? Fuckity fuckity fuck, that's not fucking noir, fucking hell.

Once a dude was arrested at the airport brandished a gun who turned out to be a recent student.

nunly, I am far too boring to be more than a short film cautioning the audience how not to be a jerk.

sunshine, I might moon.

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