Saturday, March 6, 2010

Flash over, man, flash over!

How do you get out of this chickenshit outfit? Why, by participating in this week's Friday Flash Fiction, of course.

I/He/She/It/They/(place name here) had to kick out the back window to escape. The ravenous Wade Davises were approaching a smidgen too quick for such fidgety, shambling mounds of quivering rot and I/He/She/It/They/(we don't need no stinkin' names) found out with a terrifying, near-fatal speed that a factory-manufactured shell bursting with charcoal, sulfur and potassium nitrate, even if such a concoction were to be fired directly into the cranial cavity point blank, was about as effective as poking a rabid bear with a used toothpick.

"Fucking watch it," screamed He.

"Hey man, I just scraped my arm, not sliced the fucker open on the glass. Why dontcha get after She's case. She's the one who's bleeding over It."

"Shut the hell up," said They, each carefully pronounced syllable descending in volume. "Got it? Good. Now, I, take point. She and He back --"

"Take point," I questioned. "What are ya, a punk ass kid in your parents' basement watching Aliens on mute n' repeat, stuffing your face full of chips n' soda, greasy mitts all over a stereo and a mixtape pile, the intermezzo to SI swimsuit issue spanking?"

"That's quite a diatribe, speak from experience," She deadpanned. He looked with incredulity as It tapped I on the shoulder.

"Look, man, get with it. Scared? You bet. She, He, They, and myself, none of us are alone, but unless some banding together happens, brotherly and shit, it's Hudson all over again and that means Game Over."

"Fucking hell, fuck you motherfuckers. I am not going to play some fucking B-movie shit and hole up like some fucking pussy! I say fuck those monsters, fuck 'em good, we've got enough fucking shells, don't need a goddamn headshot, just blow 'em to bits like fucking Robocop, remember that sh --"

The first time one sees -- hears -- decaying human teeth bite down with enough pressure to slough off their instantaneous crumble and break completely through a skull into the brain, matter and crunch and juices and gore soaking an already-filthy dress shirt, crumpled tie and the grey, disheveled grasses of an early spring, well, it's a sensory experience not easily forgotten.

I simply didn't know when to keep quiet.


MRMacrum said...

Clever Bastid.

Me, Myself, and I enjoyed this tale. But Mike, that jerk wad, is pouting over in the corner. Mike had hoped We would show up and had placed two extra bowls of Cheese Doodles and an extra jar of Miracle Whip for Us to dive into. And not one of Them showed up. Me, Myself and I did enjoy the extra snacks though. So not all was not lost.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Your work for the Cleveland Chamber of Commerce gets better and better.

Eat at Ray's!



sunshine said...

Why do your stories always have to end like that?
The he/she/it/what thing was confusing me.

I'm tired and I need to be more awake to read your stuff... :)


Holte Ender said...

Very clever, Wade Davises, hahahaha

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, did We partake of adult beverages, or did Us drink them all?

tengrain, ain't so miserable now, huh, Californistan!

sunshine, you don't like happy endings?

holte, heh, I was hoping someone would catch that.

Tom Harper said...

I just had the same vision as that guy in the picture. It's Jesus! The Rapture is here!

susan said...

I can watch all the others and maintain a distance but it's the first one that still disturbs me. Thanks for the reminder.

Mary Ellen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Ellen said...

I wrote a comment, but it had bad language and then decided that since it's Lent I should behave. +:-)

Übermilf said...

What was it about this starter sentence than encouraged a story about the undead?

I'm going to eat my raspberry coffee cake and pretend it's ooey, gooey brains.

La Belette Rouge said...

I hate when you clean your posts up for Sundays. Come on, Randal, tell us how you really feel! Don't let the Moral Majority edit you.

okjimm said...

Hey.... what Tengrain said... "Eat at Ray's". I like it.

Oh, by the by &stuff.... I wrote a new song...

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?

Whadda ya think?
I like it... not sure if it's 'danceable' but ya gotz to take chances

Beach Bum said...

Hudson has always been a hero of mine.

The only problem is that the 10mm explosive tip caseless light armored piercing rounds used in Aliens would be wasted on zombies.

For a group kill I'd personally go with enhanced napalm and cook zombie brains. Not as glamorous has head shots but it gets the job done.

Not that I ever had any issues with zombies in my military career of spend much time thinking about such things.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, imagine you're feeling hung over, but for some reason step up to a pinball machine, feed the slot, then shoot all five balls at once. And it all goes crazy, binging, beeping, banging; balls ricocheting, bumpers thumping and clanging, buzzer going off, points ringing up; several games won, rata-tat-tat, without even trying. But straining to follow all those bright, shiny balls in their random, erratic, frenetic motion, your mind is overtaxed and your head starts to hurt from all the chaos and cacophony.

That's what reading this piece was like. Which, I suspect, was your sly game plan all along.

Randal Graves said...

tom, at least he won't be appearing on my toast any longer.

susan, the second is a fine, fine actioner, but certainly the first one is the scariest mofo of the four.

nunly, you fucking pansy. ;-)

übermilf, one can extrapolate tales of the undead from nearly everything.

LBR, alright. Jesus is my homeboy.

okjimm, is that some weird Cockney drinking song? I need a dictionalysis.

BB, or we could simply nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

SWA, I believe this was a perfectly plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.

Mary Ellen said...

randal- :-D

Dr. Zaius said...

The only thing I liked was the SI swimsuit issue spanking.

David Barber said...

Very clever stuff Randal. Sorry for commenting late mate.


CJT said...

Well sorry that it too my lazy ass so long to get over here and make a comment, but here I am... better late then never.

This is fucking genius! I loved it, please, please do more like this!