Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Everybody was kung fu fighting.

Because you're demanding dogs, and because that final, an awful, cynically grinding display of feigning n' footie, a sick microcosm of nearly the entire roster of 32 flavors, I present unto thee this wretched solution. Fucking sad, and fucking fitting, that the most exhilarating match was the useless third place gig.

"I don't disagree with you, but you have to admit, this puts me in a delicate position."

"I understand, but this is vital to the soul of the nation. Vital."

"Yes, yes, but -- wouldn't this, if we did in fact implement it, be considered --"

"Illegal? Given who runs our show I don't foresee any difficulties, do you? Now, can it be done in time for qualifying?"

"Technically, yes. Morally, I have my reservations. But -- I trust you."

"I believe I've earned that trust. If the spectacle is to work, it must be beautiful, and beauty always comes with a price, a price determined solely by us here at this console, in commanding view of the entire pitch."

"Um, exactly how much of a price?"

"1000 for a yellow, 2000 for a red."


"Relax, Bert, a short burst isn't fatal."

"If you say so, Mr. Cruyff. But is an electrified practice field really the way to go?"

"You abandoned totaalvoetbal. If you abandon this, we'll abandon you to coach in the --

*dramatic pause*

-- MLS."

"I -- I -- I'll get right on it."


Cormac Brown said...


In a nutshell, that's about how it went down.

La Belette Rouge said...

Huh? Is this a three cup of coffee post? I have only had two. Maybe I need to comeback when I am on my third.

Anonymous said...

The Dutch were beaten before they kicked off, they had decided what they were going to do and play football wasn't it, which is a damn shame. Might as well get beaten 6-3 in an exhilarating match, which gets the whole world ooing and ahing, than lose 1-0 in a thugfest, which convinces soccer naysayers they are right. A missed opportunity for major a conversion to play the proper way.

Anonymous said...

anon. was Holte.

PipeTobacco said...

Excellent portrayal of the events metaphorically!


Liberality said...

It was one of those you had to be there moments I bet.

Randal Graves said...

cormac, never thought I'd see a rival to 1990, but here it was.

LBR, peyote works too.

Holte the Anonymous (there's your viking name), quite true. Given the pragmatic pragmatism of all pragmatics, such a scenario is impossible to conceive of in this day and age, so I guess I'll have to recreate on my goddamn PS2.

PT, metaphorically? This is all true! Electroshock therapy, the wave of the sporting future!

liberality, yeah, kinda helps to have watched the final.

Flannery Alden said...

Nicely written...I'm still in the dark though I'm thinking this has something to do with soccer?

Tom Harper said...

Is it over? What will I do with that crate full of vuvuzelas that just arrived?

Mary Ellen/Nunly said...

I think all sports should involve kungfu fighting and cute guys in short pants...oh, and free beer.

Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...
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Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...
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Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...
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Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...
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Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...

god, my computer just freaking spazzed out!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Thank God it was the Dutch vs. the Spainards. It if had been the Brits, there would have been a knife fight. And then Cricket.

Praise Jeebus, and pass the Ray's!



sunshine said...

I only got to see the first half of the game. Gabby had 2 baseball games that afternoon...
All I saw was yellow cards!


Beach Bum said...

Enough of this stuff with guys, bring on the chicks playing in bikinis.

susan said...

Did the best team win? Otherwise I just have to admit this one is over my head.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I'm beginning to think your posting instinct needs a blowout preventer. Surely there's a croquet or shuffleboard tournament somewhere that you can move on to. Badminton, bocci . . . something?

Joyce said...

This was too much. I love this. Is this really where it's all going? Clever!

MRMacrum said...

I am beginning to believe any team you root for is one I should bet against.

As others have said, this tale really nails the futbol of the last few months. Definitely got me to laugh - more than once.

Randal Graves said...

flannery, here, step on the field.

tom, do you have any annoying neighbors? 3am vuvuzela party.

nunly, not American beer!

nicole, proof that Bruce Lee would've thrived in today's game.

tengrain, and halftime tea.

sunshine, that's all there was!

BB, amen.

susan, for once, yes, the best team did.

SWA, I'm sure I'll be posting about shuffleboard once I'm retired and living in Florida with my shorts n' black dress socks.

joyce, people do like when sporting events are electric.

mrmacrum, hey now, I correctly picked Spain over the Netherlands way back in June. Don't worry, I'll be back to poor Jimmy the Greeking in no time.