Sunday, July 4, 2010

Where in the world is Gary Lineker?

The man's a prophet.

I know where I am, at least, still on vacation -- seriously, not going to work whilst enjoying the quiet of a new neighborhood is a worthy pursuit, I highly recommend it. Did I mention that it's quiet? IT'S REALLY FUCKING QUIET -- but I'd be remiss (or maybe I'm simply tired of unpacking) in not throwing something up before the semifinals of the Footie Champion of the Universe Tournament, sponsored by FIFA® and Budweiser®, King of Swill®.

Alright, alright, I either slightly underestimated Deutschland -- sonofabitch, that Schweinsteiger ain't too shabby -- or, more likely, really, really, really overestimated the complete lack of suck inherent in the Argentine defense.

Aside: and a maddening inability to finish.

If memory serves, every German goal seemed to originate from an attack down the right of Atomic Zen Diego's XI. So, while [insert stereotypes of functionality and efficiency here] Germany, not [insert stereotypes of hot-blooded Latin bolero here] Spain, is the team that's scored 4 goals thrice in one Cup, the Iberians will prove a wee bit more of a challenge since they, you know, try defending.

Aside: is it me, or did Argentina take the Merry Dribbler thing a bit too far? Too many one-on-fives and they surprisingly came across a shade to the slow-as-molasses-in-the-Arctic. Must've been downing some of that swill with the English.

Of course, I was quarterfinal wrong, but fuck the Germans. The Spaniards gain their first ever final. Oh, make all the cracks you want about defensive football not being pretty, but in some bizarre way, possibly due to adult beverages, I found Paraguay to be pretty. No, wait, that's their famous fan who, sadly, will now not be strolling through the streets nattily-unclad. Sniff.

I told you the Dutch would knock off the Dungians. Even though I didn't believe it for a single nanosecond of the first half. Comical that for all of the Brazilian defensive panache, the shortest dude on the pitch proved to be the assassin, via the skull, no less, hardee har har. Ruud, lucky and/or good and/or three foot six, doesn't matter. Be glad this Oranje edition isn't going to arrogantly taunt the ball around circa totaalvoetbal's crowning moment.

If you're one of the people going on and on about Luis Suarez's goal-denying handball, kindly shut your noisehole. It's a red card offense, he's going to miss the semifinal and frankly, if Gyan had did his job (believe me, I feel for the dude, too), then we'd be reading five billion column inches about the serendipity that is an African semifinalist in the first African World Cup on African soil in Africa. But beyond that crash n' burn of such a Hollywood story, what's up with those awful shootout attempts? It was as if they were channeling me or some other equally inept couch potato. Sorry Ghana, it's your own fault.

Anyway, The Other Diego will still be on the pitch, but I can't back down from my pre-tournament prediction of a Spain-Netherlands final. Being in the company of turnabout politicians (apologizes for the redundancy) is an icky feeling.

See you chumps later in the week.

Hup Holland Hup!


Demeur said...

The octopi never lie. Didn't I tell you that?

And what's with the hands they're using two goalies now or what?

Beach Bum said...

Ah, to be next that lovely distraught Argentine lady and offer her comfort for her apparent uneasy. As much as Governor Sanford was abused for his seeking of companionship outside of his cold marriage I at least always thought the guy had good taste in his mistresses.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Another Argentine Firecracker? I can definitely sing Kiss me South of the Border.



Liberality said...

Football, gah, don't have access to it and don't want to. You enjoy these games so much, along with the popping eye candy, what are you gonna do when it ends?

Randal Graves said...

demeur, that goddamn cephalopod better stop choosing the Germans.

BB, actually, she's from Paraguay, but there was a babely Argentinian floating about, though I don't recall her promising to run through Buenos Aires naked.

tengrain, do you people even read my posts? I put a whole three minutes into crafting this between laundry loads!

liberality, origami.

Joss Albert said...

regarding our new favourite Paraguayan associate - her website, (if not yet traversed):

Music choice is a beaut!!!

Schweinsteiger translates as 'pig mounter'. that's why he's so fit.

Keep the commentary coming!

Tom Harper said...

Writing a sports post on the Sabbath AND on America's birthday???


Freida Bee, MD said...

Is this the vampire sports blog I was searching for?

Is this the emo tittie bar I have been seeking all my life?

Where is that cranky headbanging librarian?

When the fuck will the world cup be over, 'cause I 'cided ah's talkin' like this 'til it's over. In protest.

She doth protestest tooth much, but nay merryweather 'tis what ye seeketh, ah s'pose.

S.W. Anderson said...

Enjoy the Fourth, the games and your vacation, Randal, and may all your decibels be slight!

David Barber said...

Those German's are too good!!! B******s!

Ohh, but the girl with the titties. She needs a big cuddle, did I say cuddle? I meant fondling. Oooh, did I say fondling? I meant cuddle. Oh, bollocks to it. She's just got great tits!! :-)

susan said...

Amongst all the footie reviews I believe I noticed some remarks about you having moved to a new neighborhood where it's quiet. Or am I wrong and it's the redneck who moved? Whatever, I hope you're content. There'll always be more sports just around the corner.

MRMacrum said...

Screw soccer. The Tour de France started yesterday.

Cormac Brown said...

This is a sad, sad, state of affairs. I can't root for Germany except when it comes to auto racing, I can't root for Netherregions, er...Land, and I can't root for Spain.

I say we move the Hall of Fame game up, so that we can watch the football where the refs can't fix it.

s. douglas said...


i have a proposal for ye.

but i ain't exactly sure how.

s. douglas said...

shit. wasn't finished.

is there a way to contact you?

La Belette Rouge said...

Hope the quiet doesn't get you down. I hope your new house and all that quiet gives you more space for your BRILLIANT poetry and writing. Yes, I nag. I know. Here is me trying to be with what is, "Go TEAM!".

okjimm said...

looking for a German-NL final. NL wins..... after 70 years, payback is a bitch!

Übermilf said...

Just because you moved doesn't mean I can't track you down and kill you in your sleep.

Randal Graves said...

joss, good news, in gratitude to the team's success, she WILL be prancing nude! There IS a Cthulhu!

tom, I was wondering what those explosions and bloody stumps were all about.

FB, you want me to open up an emo vampire titty bar?

SWA, someone did get slightly loud when Spain scored, but since that was me, I forgave myself.

david, you limeys, such perverts!

susan, we moved, so the redneck cracker fucker can blare his Poison (I kid you not) as much as his 15-year old girl heart desires.

mrmacrum, yech. What's next, Nascar?

cormac, have we forgotten about Mr. Hochuli?

SD, email's in the profile. Does it involve cash and booze?

LBR, oh hell, I've written one lousy thing in the last month and it sucks. I'm thinking about stealing from obscure poets and passing their stuff off as my own. Think it'll work?

okjimm, fuck the Germans!

übermilf, as long as you don't wake up the rest of the house.

Cormac Brown said...

Yeah, well Dead Ed doesn't fix each and every match, er, game. At any rate, The Octopus is never wrong when it comes prognosication. Of course he has gone into permanent hiding, as now the Germans want to make brat out of him.

Randal Graves said...

I'm not saying there isn't fixing going on (see Italy, for obvious starters, and various South American escapades) but the World Cuppers are simply mostly incompetent and/or inconsistent.

If that card-happy Spanish ref did the Netherlands-Uruguay match, Van Bommel would've gotten about 78 yellow cards.

okjimm said...

//okjimm, fuck the Germans!//
I think that's what the Spanish said.

sunshine said...

I fucked the Germans for you.
Well .. you said to fuck them!

Anyhow... I can't remember what this post was about as I was busy reading the comments which never seem to have much to do in relation to what you posted about.

Something about nice titties.
I'll assume that this post was all about me then.


Randal Graves said...

okjimm, professional athletes don't swear.

sunshine, I like peanut butter and jelly.

You're right, the comments never match! Does this mean we get to see 'em? Whenever you're done fucking the next side, that is.

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