Friday, April 15, 2011

Hold the line, not a song by Toto, a play in one-half act


















Characters
Miss Prunella Vulgaris, The Duchess of Hammer-on-Dulcimer, esteemed member of the Peonage
Juan, The Earl of Valdez, less esteemed member of the Peonage
Zardoz, freshly served serf 
Noman, background scenery
Master Baytes of Tampa, dread piratical buccaneer
Bear, bait and loveable ursine scamp

Library, interior, nighttime. the misty asbestos glow of artificial lighting is broken by MASTER BAYTES' glaring retort deigning to glare at the glare of ZARDOZ THE SERF, a field recording recorded twixt bewilderment and astonishment by MISS PRUNELLA VULGARIS.

MASTER BAYTES:  I am here to walk me plank! Ye can try an' psychology me!

ZARDOZ:  Ho ho, look at the wank!

NOMAN: Hee hee! What rhymes with sank? Sock!

MASTER BAYTES: Mock me, ye scurvy dogs? I'll run ye through!

DUCHESS: O, what filthy swine. Silence, the whole lot of you!



MASTER BAYES: Arr! Find pleasure in me scowl!



DUCHESS: Bloody wanker. Wait, a plan deviously foul!

BEAR: Growl!

BEAR greedily devours MASTER BAYTES, ZARDOZ and NOMAN

















fin

19 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

And then Juan Valdez and his brother, Exxon, prepared a nice pot of Columbian for the survivors.
~

thatgirl said...

Since we have no access to mead and the Real Librarians frown upon such Viking-esque revelrye, the Kynge's Brew is an acceptable substitute.

Good job on cleaning up the blood, Earl. And now we have some tibiae and mandibles to replace the ones that were purloined by brigands posing as doctors of physick for sundry nefarious deeds.

Randal Graves said...

if, sir! Do not be lumping the good Earl in with that lumpenbourgeoisie!

thatgirl, this new galvanic wet-dry vacuum machine works wonders & though thou art correct on our replenishment, we must be cautious of Caribbean spellwork. To Antigua!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

The only proper way to end your comment, above, is:

"On to Lesbos!"

Regards,

Tengrain

Jim H. said...

"Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes...well...the bar eats you."

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, sir, I take my in-jokes, unlike everything else, seriously. I'm not going to gratuitously toss in lesbians to placate you droolistas.

jim, I'll drink to that.

Karl Franz Ochstradt said...

Call Mr Wolf!

okjimm said...

Western Union? Did they make the sweet sixteen this year?

Tom Harper said...

Aw come on, I wanted to hear that song by Toto.

Most young whippersnappers don't know this, but there was also a radio hit called "Western Union" back in the winter of 1965-66.

okjimm said...

oh, what Tom Said... I remember that song..... it really sucked.... just saying

S.W. Anderson said...

I see this as a musical, and here's the score. :)

susan said...

You do have some very interesting coworkers. I hope the bear isn't hung over in the morning.

Demeur said...

The Graves be drinking with the Capt. That'd be Morgan.

I see Tengrain and SW are in rare form today.

But just how do you get those blood stains out of the carpet? No Stanley Steamer in this period piece.

Beach Bum said...

Sound like an exceptionally fun place to work. Just for my own ends I picturing Miss Prunella Vulgaris as the steamy hot librarian from central casting who has lived a quiet, secluded life but is more than willing to raise her freak flag for the right barbarian.

Randal Graves said...

karl of the österreich, Nero? Fiddling, sir!

okjimm, they're legal and are thus eligible for the NCAA Binge Drinking Tournament.

SWA, who would win in a fight, the corpse of Red Buttons or the cadaver of Red Skelton?

susan, don't worry, we treat him much better than the English would.

demeur, don't scoff at the awesome power of the galvanic wet-dry vacuuming machine.

BB, I cannot reveal details of either myself or any coworker for imperial security reasons.

Freida Bee said...

It was Betty White in the Library. I knew it!

(Which one be ye?)

Freida Bee said...

A shameful run-on sentence my legacy be.

Randal Graves said...

California has libraries?

Dr. Zaius said...

Phooey. Zardoz is just a giant flying head.