Thursday, November 4, 2010

[insert title of your choice]

Yikes. Now I feel bad for not calling in the other day that bomb masquerading in the middle of the road as a sack of discarded McDonald's. I hope no one died from cholesterol shrapnel.

When Chuck Norris films cell phone commercials in the Czech Republic, space-time is warped into a paradoxical reverse mirror so the Warsaw Pact never invades, Munich never happens, Lenin falls in a ditch & dies from infection, Hitler's killed at the front delivering his lieutenant's censored love letters, Metternich's late to the conference having fallen asleep listening to an oratorio, Napoleon is teased so mercifully about his accent he decides to become a hermit vegetable gardener, Robespierre embarks on a career as a professional lothario, the Sun King embraces an affair of the poisonous mushroom & becomes the Moon King, the frustrated Huguenots sail to conquer Sicily, forcing the once & future mob to flee to the Asian steppe whereby, through carefully negotiated deals & bare-knuckle thuggery, discover the presumably lost grave of Genghis Khan, hire a Lapp shaman to perform his people's most nefarious necromancy to resurrect the long-dead tyrant who, having learned from past mistakes, embraces settled agriculture & new technologies and builds a planet-spanning totalitarian empire that lasts down to this very day where the masses are so desperate for a savior that they steal, at the cost of wave after wave of their comrades' corpses, the 33rd Khan's personal time machine to send back the world's foremost practitioner of the martial arts who proceeds, upon arrival in the ruins of 1263 Samarkand, to punch Genghis in his skeletal gut thereby setting the timeline back on it's proper course the end.

Thank the unwashed masses for new platters.


Liberality said...

How are you going to use this opportunity to better our world? Why don't you waylay Norris as his "act" sets us back on the road to doomsday? Just a suggestion m'dear.

Jack Crow said...


Charles F. Oxtrot said...

That, and the rave at Angkor Wat.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, it's this or Genghis. My suggestion, put your feet up, pop open a cold pitcher of black cherry Kool-Aid (the best flavor) and nelsonmuntz everything.

jack, I was going to talk about our new governator and the impact his classic White Man 'Do will have on the economy, but managed to cure myself of that temporary insanity.

charles, I'll have to pass on that, I can't dance.

Charles F. Oxtrot said...

In the 12th C they didn't dance, they just swayed. I hear it's the lack of strobe lights.

susan said...

Since ours is only one of multiple universes let's hope things worked out better elsewhere.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

That was very stirring. I found myself stirred. And by the end of it, I was stirring another pitcher of Martini.

And that, my friend, is my plan. Eat at Ray's!



Demeur said...

This is just great. Now we'll have the Utube plastered with Norris dubbed in Slovak. And don't be so cocky to think that Norris could give the Berserks a run for their money. At his age he'd better look for a Metamucil sponsor.

Randal Graves said...

charles, I bet those self-flagellants would have a lot more fun with strobe lights.

susan, multiple? Sure thing, cosmic hippie, everyone knows the second one is still under construction, and over cost.

tengrain, always drink your booze
and sing your blues
'cause if times are worst
they're sure to get blurst

demeur, only reason his hair turned grey is that it's afraid of getting punched.

Susan Tiner said...

I'm still trying to picture Napoleon as a hermit vegetable gardener, though he was a hermit in Elba and the weather is certainly nice there.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, what's with this "insert title of your choice"? Do we have to do all the work around here?

Of course, considering what it's on top of, I can understanding how you were at a loss. Kind of like trying to summarize random readings from a vat of vegetable soup, albeit much more fun to read.

Re: your new governator and soon to be house speaker. I suggest you throw a victory banquet for them — at Ray's!

Tom Harper said...

What is that AWFUL music? Is that what you young whippersnappers call "Heavy Metal?"

Chef Cthulhu said...

Just don't cross the streams. It would be bad.

TheCunningRunt said...

They say "different is good," and as you describe it, I'm inclined to agree.

Beach Bum said...

33rd Khan's personal time machine

I'd be happy just catching a ride to say Tahiti before the Europeans arrived and getting first action with some of the Polynesian babes.

Randal Graves said...

susan t, exactly, wouldn't have been a bad career choice at all. Instead of iceberg, we might be making salads with Napoleon's lettuce.

SWA, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to miss some of those commercials though: the gooper Decorated U.S. Marine® running for treasurer, 'cause what's a better preparation for passing state funds off to your pals than holding a M-16; the dum rep painting his gooper opponent not merely as a Wall Street lackey, but through judicious use of bearded imagery as the swarthy American incarnation of Mahmoud.


tom, dude, if you're not into the Wizard, you best tear up your Headbanger Membership Card right now.

chef, I bet if one of the major parties adapted the Stay Puft marshmallow man as their new mascot, they'd get a higher vote turnout.

TCR, oh, you're only saying that because you're afraid of Czech's fists of fury.

BB, and carve yourself out your own island kingdom? You can't fool me, imperialist Yankee dog.