Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sorry, mate, I don't do requests.

I do when I've got nothing lined up, i.e. every day.

Chives go good with garrulous young gristle!
Whistle while I chomp? Oui, cannibals
brook insolence, so stomp your tender feet --
for they are my next treat! Toes and nails,
a side of kale, scarf, scarf, scarf, yum -- Oh!
Hot potato, blind me with your science!
Operate an appliance? Nevermore,
and e'en wheels on the bus round and round,
thrown to the ground as I misjudge all sound.
All Cthulhu's creation's pow'r chord loud,
evr'y cricket a crowd. I'm bound to starve.
Hark! The herald devils will sing ditties
I bring, sarcasm and sugar-free, part
of a well-balanced diet of cruel glee.
Now, bastards, where is my goddamn money?


Sherry Peyton said...

Blimey, I was dead sure from the title that this post was about Johnny Depp. Drat. Foiled again.
Carry on, programing has been returned to you.

Liberality said...

That red headed vixen will be pleased with your efforts I dare say!

sunshine said...

I'll have to think up a challenge for you...
Good stuff! I chuckled all the way through. ;p


Cormac Brown said...

"No requests?" Not even "I Found My Thrills Watching Peyton Hillis Run Over..."

Eh, nevermind.

S.W. Anderson said...

I can see this embroidered onto a cloth, beside cooking-themed art work, neatly framed and mass-produced for hanging in the kitchens of a restaurant chain.

Go with it, Randal, and with a bit of marketing oomph, plus some blood, sweat and tears, there's your money.

Randal Graves said...

sherry, every internets post is about Johnny Depp, it's simply a matter of cracking the code.

liberality, she better be, I spent 138 seconds on this!

sunshine, as long as it's small, please don't ask me to write a novel, as most of my time is spent keeping an eye on the US-Canuck border. Keep America pot free!

cormac, it's Cleveland. He'll be back to 3.5 ypc and fumbleitis next season.

SWA, sounds too much like work. Can't I fuck up and get some money? I promise I won't demand as much as the banks did.

Tom Harper said...

Très belle. Est-ce que le surréalisme, le dadaïsme ou le flux de la conscience?

michael- said...

Randal is like Edgar Poe is shrooms, non?

Tengrain said...

Graves you swine!

Hark! The herald devils will sing ditties

"and Graves will write poems très shitties" scans better methinks.



Demeur said...

So this is how you double dip? Creating the Real Hell's Kitchen Cookbook and on company time.

Chef Cthulhu said...

...sarcasm and sugar-free...

He's a big Sprite Zero drinker. You shoulda' worked that in...

Beach Bum said...

Sort of what I would expect if Chef Emeril went to work for the Cheneys.

Randal Graves said...

tom, l'alcoolisme, bien sûr.

michael, sauteed with chunks of garlic, now that's good stuff.

tengrain, you laughed, you cried, you read it again. I even shouted out to one of your crappy 80s synthpop acts and this is the thanks I get. Hmph.

demeur, I do everything on company time but work.

chef, I find it hard to believe that Unka Dick doesn't use human blood to wash down his meals.

BB, Bam! working for Blam-Blam? That's a teevee sitcom inspiring a suicidal drinking game.

La Belette Rouge said...

I LOVE it. LOVE it. I hear, for the record, that you don't take requests--I get it and yet it won't stop me from making them. I am so happy that you took this one.
You start out determined to dine on young flesh and then all goes terribly wrong with the carb course. Hee-hee, ""I misjudge all sound". Cruel glee usually pays. Uh, the check is in the mail!!!! LOVE it!! Thank Cthula this was a slow day for you!
p.s. Liberality was right.

Randal Graves said...

Since the kernel of this whole escapade was Unka Dick, can this be classified as protest poetry?

See that, Californistan, I've got a hit!

Freida Bee, MD said...

You just reminded me that I want to do request posts. Boss me, boss, sans glee, of course, and poetically preferably.

BTW and the like Hot potato, blind me with your science! is so gorgeous, I'm jealous it's not mine, but you can't keep that shit for yourself for too long.

Susan Tiner said...

LBR, you should make more requests. This is one is great!