Think we'll see something as memorable as this?
Fast forward to 5:31 for our special guest star!
So pumped up was I after a pretty thorough beatdown of the Flailing Forty-Niners last Sunday, that I started typing up my hotly anticipated Wild Card preview immediately after the game. Think of it as one of those mysterious IPOs that everyone's talking about, that makes everyone millions in the first minute and has them in the bread line the next. Wait, that analogy isn't very funny and its application is negligible. As I type these words, I'm nervous about the Colts game (they're down 7-3 but fuck, Bob Sanders can fucking hit), so bear with my bout of idiocy. Yes, staring me in the face was quite a quandary: what if my beloved Browns didn't make it?
After much internal deliberation and outward yelling at my vaguely visible reflection in the monitor - so that's where that crack came from; sometimes it's hard being an ugly motherfucker - I decided to write up both previews and simply cross out the one that proves to be as false as a neocon with a soul. Pretty please, kick large amounts of ass, Quartered Peyton Manning and Keeper of the Kubiak Flame, Jim 'Motherfucking' Sorgi!
10:11 pm, touchdown, Colts! 10-7! [think of this as live blogging that I traveled to the past to do]
10:18, Young's hurt and now out. Good!
10:22, that's right Kerry, another stupid penalty! Ha!
10:24, fuck, a field goal.
10:39, goddammit, stop them on third down already!
10:40, um, it's KERRY COLLINS, you fucks! Come on, it's time for your poor man's Vinny Testaverde impersonation. Toss that pick!
10:47, a motherfucking 54-yard field goal. FUCK. Titans, 13-10.
10:54, good job, Jimmy. That was a beautiful three-and-out.
10:59, this is turning into a preseason game, a fucking average NFL QB against 3rd stringers.
11:02, Titans, 16-10. One timeout and the two-minute warning. I wish I still had some fingernails to bite.
11:06, an overthrow and an underthrow.
11:07, what the fuck is this flanker screen shit? Stop running that fucking play, it hasn't worked since the fucking first quarter. Well, that's it. I'm going to bed.
And now this crap is starting. Guess it's better than having no quarterback, which has pretty much been the case since current genius and professional jackass Bill Belichick ran Bernie Kosar out of town. Fifteen years ago. Anyway, here's my Browns-less picks. Blah.
Washington (9-7) @ Seattle (10-6): I had the Redskins (people, can we please retire that name already? It really is fucking racist, as bad as Chief Wahoo) pegged as a wild card team - serious kudos for coming together after the senseless death of Sean Taylor - and the Seahawks winning their division, so eat it, Jimmy the Greek, you fuck. Anyway, Seattle is the better team, records notwithstanding - I trust Matt Hasselbeck more than whomever Washington tosses out there (but only on the field as Matty is a fucking Republican) - but Shaun Alexander is turning into every other brokedown running back on the wrong side of 30 and they can't seem to get much juice out of Maurice Morris either. If Seattle gets a lead, their smallish D can rush the passer like a brigade of Hessians charging a lone Mel Gibson Patriot. Should be a good game - and it wouldn't shock me to see Washington imitate the 1995 Colts, another tough, but flawed 9-7 team winning two road games before falling short in the conference title tilt - but Seattle wins in the wind and rain, 24-19.
Jacksonville (11-5) @ Pittsburgh (10-6): First, I had these picks nailed, too. All Hail Randal. Secondly, what the hell has happened to the Steelers' offensive line? I know that Willie Parker was leading the NFL in rushing at the time of his injury, but with a nondescript 4.1 yards per carry. Yes, left tackle Marvel Smith is out, but yikes. The fear of The Chin is long gone. And now you can run on them, as well. Roethlisberger is the shiftiest big quarterback I've ever seen, but Jacksonville plays Steeler football better - hell, Ben is always chucking the ball down the field - than the Steelers themselves nowadays and they'll do it a second time. Don't turn the ball over, smack you in the mouth on D and run it down your fucking throat. Jacksonville, 27-17. Sorry, Megan. Muahahahaha!
N.Y. Giants (10-6) @ Tampa Bay (9-7): I had neither of these teams making the playoffs. Hey, my batting average is still better than Condi's in diplomacy. The Buccaneers might want to fumigate their stadium and facilities, as there seems to be a lingering stench of Dungy-itis. I'm all for resting key players - and Jeff Garcia is banged up, so better protect him from the league's top sackers, Chucky - but they've barely tried at all the last two weeks. They also don't turn the ball over (+15, tops in the NFC), while the Giants certainly do (-9, worst of the twelve playoff teams), and when is the last time Tom Coughlin won a playoff game, you ask? With the Jaguars in 1999, 0-3 since while being outscored 79 to 34. The Bucs win 21-13, because they have home field and a less stupid quarterback.
Cleveland (10-6) @ San Diego (11-5): Yeah, make us wait until fucking Sunday afternoon, you bastards. San Diego's defense isn't as brutal as it was last year, but it's still decent which is certainly more than I can say about ours. Sure, we're improving, but our glaring weakness is against the run, and lest we forget, the best running back in the NFL plays for the Chargers. If we don't turn the ball over - ARE YOU LISTENING, DEREK? - we can make a game out of it. Otherwise, even Norv Turner can't screw this up. Unfortunately. Chargers, 34-24. Sigh.
Tennessee (10-6) @ San Diego (11-5): No miracle this time. Chargers, 30-13.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Think we'll see something as memorable as this?