Saturday, January 5, 2008

Is it in the cards?

Think we'll see something as memorable as this?

Fast forward to 5:31 for our special guest star!

So pumped up was I after a pretty thorough beatdown of the Flailing Forty-Niners last Sunday, that I started typing up my hotly anticipated Wild Card preview immediately after the game. Think of it as one of those mysterious IPOs that everyone's talking about, that makes everyone millions in the first minute and has them in the bread line the next. Wait, that analogy isn't very funny and its application is negligible. As I type these words, I'm nervous about the Colts game (they're down 7-3 but fuck, Bob Sanders can fucking hit), so bear with my bout of idiocy. Yes, staring me in the face was quite a quandary: what if my beloved Browns didn't make it?

After much internal deliberation and outward yelling at my vaguely visible reflection in the monitor - so that's where that crack came from; sometimes it's hard being an ugly motherfucker - I decided to write up both previews and simply cross out the one that proves to be as false as a neocon with a soul. Pretty please, kick large amounts of ass, Quartered Peyton Manning and Keeper of the Kubiak Flame, Jim 'Motherfucking' Sorgi!

10:11 pm, touchdown, Colts! 10-7! [think of this as live blogging that I traveled to the past to do]
10:18, Young's hurt and now out. Good!
10:22, that's right Kerry, another stupid penalty! Ha!
10:24, fuck, a field goal.
10:39, goddammit, stop them on third down already!
10:40, um, it's KERRY COLLINS, you fucks! Come on, it's time for your poor man's Vinny Testaverde impersonation. Toss that pick!
10:47, a motherfucking 54-yard field goal. FUCK. Titans, 13-10.
10:54, good job, Jimmy. That was a beautiful three-and-out.
10:59, this is turning into a preseason game, a fucking average NFL QB against 3rd stringers.
11:02, Titans, 16-10. One timeout and the two-minute warning. I wish I still had some fingernails to bite.
11:06, an overthrow and an underthrow.
11:07, what the fuck is this flanker screen shit? Stop running that fucking play, it hasn't worked since the fucking first quarter. Well, that's it. I'm going to bed.

And now this crap is starting. Guess it's better than having no quarterback, which has pretty much been the case since current genius and professional jackass Bill Belichick ran Bernie Kosar out of town. Fifteen years ago. Anyway, here's my Browns-less picks. Blah.

Washington (9-7) @ Seattle (10-6): I had the Redskins (people, can we please retire that name already? It really is fucking racist, as bad as Chief Wahoo) pegged as a wild card team - serious kudos for coming together after the senseless death of Sean Taylor - and the Seahawks winning their division, so eat it, Jimmy the Greek, you fuck. Anyway, Seattle is the better team, records notwithstanding - I trust Matt Hasselbeck more than whomever Washington tosses out there (but only on the field as Matty is a fucking Republican) - but Shaun Alexander is turning into every other brokedown running back on the wrong side of 30 and they can't seem to get much juice out of Maurice Morris either. If Seattle gets a lead, their smallish D can rush the passer like a brigade of Hessians charging a lone Mel Gibson Patriot. Should be a good game - and it wouldn't shock me to see Washington imitate the 1995 Colts, another tough, but flawed 9-7 team winning two road games before falling short in the conference title tilt - but Seattle wins in the wind and rain, 24-19.

Jacksonville (11-5) @ Pittsburgh (10-6): First, I had these picks nailed, too. All Hail Randal. Secondly, what the hell has happened to the Steelers' offensive line? I know that Willie Parker was leading the NFL in rushing at the time of his injury, but with a nondescript 4.1 yards per carry. Yes, left tackle Marvel Smith is out, but yikes. The fear of The Chin is long gone. And now you can run on them, as well. Roethlisberger is the shiftiest big quarterback I've ever seen, but Jacksonville plays Steeler football better - hell, Ben is always chucking the ball down the field - than the Steelers themselves nowadays and they'll do it a second time. Don't turn the ball over, smack you in the mouth on D and run it down your fucking throat. Jacksonville, 27-17. Sorry, Megan. Muahahahaha!

N.Y. Giants (10-6) @ Tampa Bay (9-7): I had neither of these teams making the playoffs. Hey, my batting average is still better than Condi's in diplomacy. The Buccaneers might want to fumigate their stadium and facilities, as there seems to be a lingering stench of Dungy-itis. I'm all for resting key players - and Jeff Garcia is banged up, so better protect him from the league's top sackers, Chucky - but they've barely tried at all the last two weeks. They also don't turn the ball over (+15, tops in the NFC), while the Giants certainly do (-9, worst of the twelve playoff teams), and when is the last time Tom Coughlin won a playoff game, you ask? With the Jaguars in 1999, 0-3 since while being outscored 79 to 34. The Bucs win 21-13, because they have home field and a less stupid quarterback.

Cleveland (10-6) @ San Diego (11-5): Yeah, make us wait until fucking Sunday afternoon, you bastards. San Diego's defense isn't as brutal as it was last year, but it's still decent which is certainly more than I can say about ours. Sure, we're improving, but our glaring weakness is against the run, and lest we forget, the best running back in the NFL plays for the Chargers. If we don't turn the ball over - ARE YOU LISTENING, DEREK? - we can make a game out of it. Otherwise, even Norv Turner can't screw this up. Unfortunately. Chargers, 34-24. Sigh.

Tennessee (10-6) @ San Diego (11-5): No miracle this time. Chargers, 30-13.


b said...

Wow, I could feel the blood rush to my head in reading your "live blogging" of the Colts/Titans game. I am a bit pissed off that there is so much talk about trading D.A. now. I mean, yeah, you didn't make the playoffs and D.A. had his part in that, but he also helped jump start that offense, considerably. I think defense needs to be a bigger conversation than D.A.

I like your picks for the most part. I too think Seattle can take Washington and given how sloppy Pittsburgh has seemed as of late, I think Jacksonville might take them. Of course, the Chargers will have their way with Tennessee (and I am being as objective as humanly possible here). The one matchup that I am most unsure about is the Giants/Bucs. I think the Giants look shaky at best and Eli being very shaky, but something tells me that the Giants may actually still pull a win out of this, though they won't make it any further.

Should be interesting. My condolences on your season, mon ami. Does this mean however that you can now cheer for my Chargers?! :)

Jen Clark said...

I'm sitting here checking out blogs and watching the Seattle - Washington game and have not been able to get the name "Redskins" out of my mind. Not only is that horribly racist but its a against a group of people that our founders literally exterminated.

Can you believe that that is still the name of the football team in our nation's capital?

It's sick.

And as for the games, fuck all those teams. Go Pats

Candace said...

(Off topic) Hey Randal, I Stumbled this site and thought you'd like to see it - it's French drawings from 1910 depicting what they thought life would be like in the year 2000.

Would someone please tell me how to do a link in comments? Thanx.

Randal Graves said...

b, I do think that Quinn will be a very good NFL quarterback, and DA did throw more picks than one would like, I'm just not sure how to read them. Which is more correctable, tossing into triple coverage à la Favre, or the brain cramps that he had in the Cincinnati game? I don't think the answer is as easy as one would assume. I don't think they'll trade him (hell, Randy Moss only got a 4th rounder), but I just hope it doesn't become a distraction.

As for your Chargers, sure, I'll root for them. Norv Turner is a horrible head coach, but who doesn't love Tomlinson? A great player who's not a jerk.

As for the picks, the Giants/Bucs game is the one I really went back and forth on. I felt confident about the others for the most part, but if Manning has a non-stupid game, they can score. :)

jen clark, and the fact that no one really gives it much of a second thought. During the ALCS here - and with smaller groups during the season - there are protesters outside Jacobs Field against Chief Wahoo, which is easily the most racist logo that I can think of still in use. But, when you have no political clout, a parade of deaf ears follows. I still think we should call them the Cleveland Hunters. Instead of Wahoo, a picture of Ian Hunter. Cleveland Rocks, big shades in the team shop. It would be great!

Candace, oh man, that is an amazing find! Heh, I love that cars of war. I'm thinking of a Model T with a .50 turret on it. :)

As for linking:

the words you want the link to cover.

Anonymous said...

Whoo hoo, Seattle won! I didn't know the outcome until I read you blog. Sad, yes but I'm not as cool as you.

Randal Graves said...

Candace, wow, I'm dumb. That was unhelpful.

Less than sign
the URL
greater than sign
the text you want linked
less than sign
greater than sign.

Hope that's clear. :)

Colleen, if I'm a measuring stick of coolness in any capacity, then the world is truly fucked. Green Bay-Seattle should be a goddamn good game.

Scruffybutt said...

Randal, thanks for the help on links!
-Scruffybutt's mom

b said...

Yeah, I realize the D.A. scenario is cloudy at best. But the good news is that Cleveland is a contender and does have serious potential. Now it is us up to management to put together the best team they can. It will be exciting to see what happens next season. (A tear came to my eye as I typed that. Oh, I hate when football season ends!)

So far your/our picks are right on. I'm glad to hear you say that the Giants/Bucs matchup is the one you teeter on as well. I just have a hard time with this one but have a slight inclination towards NY. As you reiterate, if Eli can get it together, that will make all the difference. But being in Tampa makes it more interesting for sure.

Enjoy your Sunday of football. Thanks for cheering my Chargers on. Yeah, I'm also with you on Norv Turner. Ugh. It kills me to think of Marty coaching elsewhere. Even last season, I was irate that they let him go. But I do love L.T. and the team!

TomCat said...

This was certainly a year of surprises. I think your playoff predictions were pretty good.

Jen Clark said...

Thanks for filling me in on what a 'meme' is. I had the suspicion that it was something like that, but I just wanted to be sure.

Randal Graves said...

b, oh how we need d-linemen. Giving up 130+ yards a game on the ground makes everything that much harder. But what the hell was with Eli today? He didn't suck one bit. Very shocking. He plays like that next week, who knows!

Tomcat, well, 2-1 so far. :)

jen clark, no problem!

b said...

Yes, you do need defensive lineman, for sure. I know... Eli was looking pretty solid today. And I didn't necessarily have complete faith in him but just had a gut feeling that the Giants would get it done. God, the Chargers game made me a bit ill in the first half! But thankfully they pulled it out! Phew. Shit, that last TD by LT was crazy, wasn't it? What a leap! Such a stud! Oh, how I LOVE football!!

dguzman said...

You heard it here first: Cowboys 28, Giants 6.