Friday, January 4, 2008

That's no lie, but this one may be















"No, that really happened. I think, heh, heh."

Bloody hell, thank you so much everyone for allowing me to barely have to come up with a goddamn thing these last few days! Snave, the craziest character affiliated with Oregon since Bill Walton, has ordered up another heaping bowl of obfuscation to be passed around the internets. The problem with these memes o' the lie is that they show just how difficult it is for us bleeding hearts to mislead when compared to our wingnut brethren and sistren, as you will see below.

There are six separate items of bullshittery. Encased within that shining, gold and diamond-encrusted display of deception is one quotidian truth of cubic zirconia. Do you possess the eagle eyes of perception to figure out which one? Good luck!

1. When guitarist Fast Eddie Clarke departed Motörhead after the Iron Fist album, I was Lemmy's first choice as his replacement, but I broke my hand something fierce in a knock-down, drag-out three-hour bar fight - you shoulda seen the other guys! - so they nabbed ex-Thin Lizzy six-stringer Brian Robertson instead.

2. On my first trip to Paris the summer after I graduated from high school, I made out with Sophie Marceau in the Louvre.

3. I was the first alternate at strong safety for the AFC Pro Bowl squad in 1992.

4. When I was touring Europe once upon a time, sowing my wild oats, I accidentally left a notebook full of brilliant poems in the corner booth of a Dublin pub. That verse helped propel Seamus Heaney to the 1995 Nobel Prize in Literature. Needless to say, my lawsuit did not meet with success. Heaney, if you're reading this, some words of warning: our paths ever cross, I'll go Beowulf on your ass.

5. I knocked up a chick while still in my teens.

6. During the filming of Underworld, while working my night job as a second unit director, the best boy lost his grip and a boom mic crashed on the head of co-star Scott Speedman. I was immediately recruited to perform the naked love scene with vamped-up über-babe Kate Beckinsale all while Mr. Speedman lay unconscious on the studio floor. That's Hollywood, Scottie.

7. The mythical Excalibur? It's no myth. I found it. I'm just not saying where. Cast your worries aside, though, it's in good hands.

More recruits for the unstoppable army of lying liars: Becca, Mathman, Dr. Zaius.

17 comments:

Mary Ellen said...

Man, this isn't easy. Ok...I know you've never been to Paris so, #2 is out. Since you haven't been to Paris,I'll assume that you were never in Europe..after all, how can you go to Europe and miss Paris? So, that one is out.

You could have knocked up a chick when you were a teen since that's not all that uncommon an occurrence and lord knows, you seem to be bubbling over with testosterone and you sound kinda cute, so I'm sure the girls were all over you in high school....

Maybe...just maybe tht AFC ProBowl squad thing could be true in 1992.
I mean, you are totally obsessed with pro-football...

I'm goin' with the ProBowl squad thingy.

No wait...the teenage pregnant thing...

no...

Ok, the ProBowl squad in 1992. That's my final answer.

Robert Rouse said...

I can't believe you didn't tell everyone that it was Pat Robertson who you went toe-to-toe with in that bar fight. I remember seeing the footage on CNN. The worst part was when he cracked your head open with the pool cue and that slutty biker girlfriend of Pat's kicked you in the groin while you were down. Bummer!

La Belette Rouge said...

Your capacity for lies, untruths, and obfuscation well prepares you for a career in politics. I am guessing you found Excalibur on DVD in your media cobinet.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

OMG, I made out with Sophie Marceau in the Louvre, too! Hey, I finally responded to Criswell's predictions. Thanks for the mention. I guess I didn't see that post before. Not that I'm surprised. I am a bit of a dingbat, soon to be banned from Blogger, I hear.

Dr. Zaius said...

You made out with Marcel Marceau in the Louvre? I guess you guys didn't talk about much. Did you wear a stripey shirt?

Dr. Zaius said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Randal Graves said...

ME, sorry, you were close. I was first alternate for FREE safety. But keep on trying!

Robert, yeah, but I got that bitch back by burning down her house. As for Pat, I got him. Him and his little media empire. I can say no more. Legal reasons.

LBR, I'm obviously not talking about a movie, even though I do have a copy of that one sitting in a cabinet. Don't be so silly.

SWB, I remember. I still have the pictures. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's to back to that building thingy, where are beds and TV, is.
If you ever get banned, you and Sophie are welcome at my place anytime.

Dr. Zaius, I'm not a necrophiliac! Ewww!

TomCat said...

He got me too, but fortunately I'm know for refusing all memes except those that give me the opportunity to honor other bloggers. The problem with memes is that there are just so many that I've seen more than one blog so overtaken with them that the serious content that made them worth visiting all but disappeared.

Candace said...

Dang, I was going to guess the same as Mary Ellen, but you're saying that #3 isn't true? Hmmm. Guess that leaves knocking up the chick in your teens (whom I presume are now your lovely wife and first-born child.)

Mathman6293 said...

I guess I it again, DOH!

Randal Graves said...

Tomcat, well you actually run a serious blog. I don't, so I'm allowed to do the memes. :)

Candace and Mathman, ding ding ding! (hey, ME, that's what you get for being snarky, you don't get the prize! Which is, of course, nothing. Muah!)

Mary Ellen said...

Hey! No prize??? Fuck you! :-D

Mauigirl said...

Well done, Randal! So does finding Excaliber mean you will be the next President? Or did you pass it on to Obama?

Randal Graves said...

ME, you sure do know the way to a man's heart. ;-)

mauigirl, oh hell no, he can have it. When you're president, you have to be nice to people you loathe. That's far above my capacity!

Mathman6293 said...

Well Randal I "memed" up.

Becca said...

I knew Seamus Heaney's sudden popularity was too good to be true! Did you translate that version of Beuwolf too?

Randal Graves said...

Giese, ic dyde !