Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Omen

Yesterday was quite the balmy day...













...the lovely ladies were out soaking in the sun...










...the kids were enjoying all that life has to offer...

...yet...

...no one, not man, woman or child, heeded the cosmological warning that the gods visited upon humanity during the black of night once more...


















...the sky grew chill, filled with a dire message...














...the winds whipped, the surf churned, the temperatures plummeted...












...and our flesh and bones, nay, our very consciousness, was battered by the lurking, gnawing taint of blasphemy that was visited upon this earth so many years ago and which, gleefully, violently shattered all good sense, ruthlessly sent reason, broken, to the land of Nod to rot for all eternity, forced the virulent disease of insanity upon our minds...













What horror could be so diabolical, so permanent, as to render the entire world outwardly forgetful, willfully burying the terror so deep in the crevasses of their spirit, telling themselves that it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be alright, I pray to you Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Odin, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Cthulhu that it'll be alright...
















Just for today - oh, how I pray you listen to me! - you absolutely need to:

1. Threaten someone on the other side of town.
2. As they begin to question why, take a crowbar to their knees.
3. Steal candy from children, kicking them as you leave.
4. Fill your gas tank up and drive away without paying.
5. Reveal the deepest secrets of those you know to everyone else.
6. Get a job at McDonald's and put lead in the chocolate shakes.

Why? To recognize and offer homage in celebration of the unholy birth of everyone's most feared psychopathic Lord of Hell!

You must heed my words!

For if you do not complete these tasks, he will devour not just your body, but your very soul.

18 comments:

La Belette Rouge said...

I love the picture of Dick in his natural habitat.

dguzman said...

So THAT'S where he goes when he's in his undisclosed location.

I thought I felt the earth quaking a bit as the hellmouth belched "happy birthday" to Big Dick. You can smell the brimstone.

DCup said...

And it shall be our fear that takes us to the dark side.

At least that's what MathMan tells me.

I'm not a fan of the Star Wars movies.

You could almost take Dick home and fill him full of candy he's so cute in that costume. Of course, I'd be stuffing the candy up his evil ass, but nevertheless....

Colleen said...

Just last night V told me that Cheney was pure evil. Now I have more proof!

Candace said...

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooes!
My birthday is today, too.
I feel sick.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, he's a handsome, er, devil, isn't he. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

dguzman, the photo never lies! Cheney is the ultimate Big Bad, isn't he.

dcup, okay, I can understand the new ones, but not even SW and Empire?

Oh, if you plan on giving that Kewpie doll some sweets, you can feed him the regular way. Here's a big box of pins and razor blades.

colleen, the proof is in the poison pudding! No lie!

candace, ugh, er, um, happy birthday?

Dean Wormer said...

Ha!

I tried to followed your instructions...

1. Threaten someone on the other side of town.

I live in the sticks so only cows live on the other side of town. I drove over there and threatened them anyway. They look unimpressed.

2. As they begin to question why, take a crowbar to their knees.

Can I push them over in the dead of night instead?

3. Steal candy from children, kicking them as you leave.

I got this one mixed up and kicked the candy and stole the children. I now have the FBI after me. Thanks a lot.

4. Fill your gas tank up and drive away without paying.

I goofed this one as well as I'm now trailing a pump behind my car.

5. Reveal the deepest secrets of those you know to everyone else.

Apparently everyone already knew that Soylent Green was people.

6. Get a job at McDonald's and put lead in the chocolate shakes.

I did this and the Manager caught me and told me not to double up on the lead since they already add it at the factory.

All hail the Big Dick and kudos to his team of crack Mad Scientists for keeping his half-human/ half-machine rotting corpse animated for another year!

Randal Graves said...

dean, 1. you won't find a more aloof - no, Bill, not a loofah - animal than the cow. Smug bastards.

2. Wasn't there an entire episode of Beavis and Butthead dedicated to cowtipping?

3. Don't sweat it. You can just sell them directly to Rush or Mark Foley. Unless they're little girls, then overseas somewhere.

4. But now you can fill your tank up whenever you wish!

5. With extra butter, yum!

6. Hmm, what about arsenic?

It truly is an achievement what they've done with him, isn't it? I don't know why the lefties continue to insist on this administration's disdain for science. The proof against that is the Veep himself!

Jess Wundrun said...

If he's not really been birthed so much as spawned is today his 'spawnday'?

Just wondering.

PoliShifter said...

I have a bad feeling that after Bush leaves office, Cheney will still be there, in some capacity, some how, spending time in the shadows with his man-sized safe, just big enough for Jeff Gannon...

Suzi Riot said...

Yep, spit my sparkling water again while laughing my ass off. You'd think I'd know better by now and put down the liquids while reading your blog, you hilarious bastard!

Tom Harper said...

Yes, Lord and Master, I shall do these tasks as You command!

OK, Candace, yer busted :)

Who Hijacked Our Country

Randal Graves said...

jess, that's an excellent point. I don't think we can classify Dick as the product of anything resembling a natural, human birth.

poli, someone needs to report from the undisclosed location, and Jimmy Jeff is as good a candidate as any.

suzi, are you sure you weren't thinking of another blog? If not, then hell, the pressure mounts. I don't feel very funny today! There once was a man from Nantucket...

tom, perhaps she is the person who pulls the electronic strings of the Cheney Bot. Oh, Candace, how you've duped us all!

Candace said...

You didn't really think my house sold because of the St. Joseph statue, did you? [mad cackling] Actually, it's not so bad over here on the dark side. I mean, [munch munch munch] besides the cookies, they've got- OMFG! [mmmmmmmmmph... clunk]

TomCat said...

Randal, the first pic was a good as the last was evil.

Randal Graves said...

candace, your connections couldn't protect you from the evil that is Cheney!

tomcat, yeah, the buzz kind of went downhill after the first one, no? I'll have to make sure that never happens again.

FranIAm said...

I always threaten people on the other side of town... Do I need his birthday in order to do so???

Randal Graves said...

As long as you have a secure escape route, certainly not!