Thursday, June 26, 2008

Boy, it sure is drafty in here

Let's clear something up before we go any further: contrary to popular opinion, no, the single suit I own isn't as hideous as this Karl Malone original. I'm a snappy dresser.

Clever post title, huh. For the first time in aeons, we actually have a first round draft pick, the nineteenth. Yes, I'm conveniently ignoring the Shannon Brown bust of 2006.

To give us a rough idea of the quality available near the final third of the first round, here are some worthy -- or at least serviceable -- players chosen at #19 or below during the LBJ era:

2007, no Cavs first round pick: Jared Dudley, Carl Landry, Glen Davis.

2006: Rajon Rondo (how's he doing?), Josh Boone, Kyle Lowry, Jordan Farmar, Sergio Rodriguez, Paul Millsap. The aforementioned Shannon Brown was nabbed at #25. We did find Boobie Gibson in the second round, so it wasn't a complete washout.

2005, no Cavs first round pick: Hakim Warrick, Nate Robinson, Jason Maxiell, Linas Kleiza, David Lee, Brandon Bass, Monta Ellis (ouch), Andray Blatche, Ryan Gomes.

2004, no Cavs first round pick: Jameer Nelson, Delonte West, Kevin Martin (ouch again), Beno Udrih, Anderson Varejao.

2003: Boris Diaw, Travis Outlaw, Kendrick Perkins, Leandro Barbosa. We drafted some dude who moves a lot of sweatshop product.

I have no idea who we'll choose. It's possible that shooting guards Chris Douglas-Roberts of Memphis and Courtney Lee of Western Kentucky will still be on the board. As for point guards, I wouldn't mind us taking Mario Chalmers of Kansas, but the problem with all of these guys is that none are ready to log copious amounts of NBA starter minutes for a team that's honestly only one All-Star calibre player from a championship.

Or we can draft the guy with the wackiest hair.

Hell, just trade the damn pick, but you won't be getting a top-flight point guard or wing guy in return, even if we spice up the offer with some of our bench dudes. Remember, Isaiah T. Coyote, Super Genius isn't around anymore. I still believe Boobie Gibson can give us quality time at the 2, but a full-fledged point guard has remained absent from the roster since the days of Andre Miller. Who we once traded along with some clown for some other clowns and one über-clown of legendary status, Darius Miles.

Hang on a sec, I have to go throw up.

I'm back. We can play defense with the best of them (just ask the last two NBA champions about that) but we score about as often as a Republican congressman a eunuch I do after pissing off my wife.

Since we still owe Ben Wallace Halliburton-type cash, I wouldn't be surprised if they try and exchange Sideshow Bob (perhaps with the pick) for anything resembling a shooter -- please, take Wally World while you're at it, trading partner to be named later. I'd hate to lose such a valuable role player in Anderson, but GM Danny Ferry knows what he'll never say publicly: the championship window has two years remaining. For you, I, everyone's grandmother, her cat, Uncle Rory, the plumber, the butcher and the baker (but not the candlestick maker, he doesn't follow hoops) recognizes that LeBron is going to exercise his player option, become a free agent, and get out of Northeast Ohio as we then descend into that circle of Hell only spoken about in hushed tones, Perpetual Lottery Land.

Maybe we can kidnap Michael Redd and brainwash him to tear up his contract with the Bucks and sign with us for the midlevel exception.

Hey, it could happen.

Flights of fancy. That's sporting life in Cleveland. We wouldn't have it any other way. It's nice having a built-in excuse for heavy drinking, believe me.

I completely -- subconsciously purposely -- forgot all about our 2004 first round pick, Luke "I can't even cut it in Europe" Jackson. My apologies to no one.


Mary Ellen said...

More sports? I've got nothin' to say.

The least you could have done was put a picture of yourself in your classy suit.

Does it look like...this?

Perhaps, this?


DivaJood said...

Randal, I didn't know Tiny Tim played basketball. Oh, wait. He's dead. That's his evil twin.

FranIAm said...

You know the sports stuff is lost on me man, but I have been silent 'round here for too long.

What is with the dude with the bad hair??

Randal Graves said...

ME, and have this place overrun with legions of ladies expecting a hunky Holmes of Saturday Night Fever Pimpin' but finding a dude that exudes repulsion? I'm a mystery, babe.

diva, HA! Tiptoe Through Training Camp.

fran, I don't think anyone likes my sports posts. But I do get a nice collection of snide remarks, you ungrateful bastards!

That's Chicago Bulls' forward Joakim Noah, son of tennis dude Yannick Noah. The suit must've been left behind after the circus left town.

Dr. Zaius said...

"Draft the guy with the wackiest hair?"

I'm in!

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I try to get my hair to look like that. Seriously.

ungrateful bastard said...

aw,, I'm gonna go find a 'recipe' blog, or a beer blog, or sumptin...

x just another ungrateful bastard

susan said...

I've thought about drawing the story of the afternoon at Logan in 1985. I was waiting for a flight when the entire Celtics team walked by and then - from the other direction.. the Chicago Bulls with Michael Jordan in the lead. Yow. But I won't do the story until I can think of a way of making knees look entertaining.

Mary Ellen said...

Susan- Gee, if you were a little taller, we would be looking at more than knees...and THAT would be interesting!

Randal- No man is a mystery. Woman have figured you guys out a long time ago. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

dr. zaius, no more drafting for position or need, so much easier this way!

UC, I don't think my hair is wavy enough for a legitimate white man afro.

ungrateful bastard, is that you Cindy? Trolling for more recipes to steal? You trollop!

susan, get brainstorming because that would definitely be a cool story to draw!

ME, you miss the days of short shorts, dontcha.

Hey, I'm much more complex than merely booze and boobies. Sometimes I like both at the same time. Sheesh.

DivaJood said...

Wait, are you telling me that the hair dude is now with the Bulls? I was wondering why Jerry looked so uncomfy.

Dusty said...

Sports stuff!!!! YAY!

You really get into the draft thang don't ya sweetie? Good because I don't understand the rhyme and reason for most of the draft picks made by most teams.

My city, Bakers-friggin-field, has one of those teams that are like the class a,aa, aaa in baseball, only its for the NBA. We can't even draw folks to see those guys.

The price of tix for a real NBA game keep me from going to see them any longer even though the hated Lakers are only an hour away for moi.

Seriously, I usually only pay attention at the end of the season and for the second season known as the playoffs.

Thank you for this primer.

okjimm said...

Basketball is the root of all evil.

still another ungrateful bastard

Randal Graves said...

diva, he is as of right now, though there are many rumors swirling about trades involving the Bulls. Doubt anything will happen. Every team needs a bad hair guy!

dusty, yay for your appreciation of my sports posts! To the credit of most NBA GMs, their penchant for passing on wing guys for 7 foot white stiff centers seems to have dissipated. You don't see too many Jon Koncaks and Todd Fullers anymore.

You guys have a D-League team, right? I like the idea of the D-league and hopefully it'll become a true minor league system like the MLB has. Of course, if I could make millions in Europe or 30k here, au revoir Yank!

I hear you about the prices. I've been to two Cavs games in the last five years. Me, my wife and our kids could see about 700 movies for the price of one game.

okjimm, even more than Cheney? Really?

Utah Savage said...

I'm another ungrateful bastard. If you are going to post sports pieces day after fucking day, why not at least a little real beefcake? I visit Phoebe Fay almost every day for my beefcake fix. Bur Randal, sports post should have a little something for everyone.

And since I'm living in Utah for god's sake, I remember the Carl Malone days, I even worked as the stylist for a commercial Malone did here for some chicken restaurant. And the guy is not known for his stylish attire, but why not a close up of his crotch--something he is famous for--at least in these parts. No not my parts, but I do know a couple of youngish women who had their way with him. I bet his gorgeous wife has quite a collection of diamond rings to rival Coby's wife's.

susan said...

ME - I'm not that short :-) but it was just as well I was sitting down since I got slippery the moment I saw him. Michael Jordan was very hot.

randal - There's another story on the way soon but not that one ..yet. I'd do way more if I didn't have to waste so much time at work.

Distributorcap said...

sports again

time to go get my legal Uzi and blow my head off

Randal Graves said...

utah, but they do! Sports are universal, encapsulating the struggle we all face every day, except with millionaires. And I'm insulted, and Karl is insulted. What could be more dapper than that swanky, mid-80s number?

I bet if his wife had gone the route of Kirilenko's, there would have been less of a chance of hanky panky because that would've been on his mind all the time, a giant weight of guilt.

susan, I'm telling you, work gets in the way of so much. I'm still working - ha - on finding a way to get paid while doing nothing productive in a business sense. I'll let you know if I figure out the magical formula.

dcap, oh shit, I forgot about that. "I'm sorry officer, I was attacked by a sports post. I was just defending myself."

Je ne regrette rien said...

Don't you have to have like the suckiest team on the planet (well okay, the nation) in order to get 1st round draft pick? dude, I'm SO sorry ... (or maybe that is some other sport. Dunno, I don't really pay attention, I'm to busy looking at the ...umm, uniforms *cough* ... yeah, that's it ... the uniforms.

Freida Bee said...

Man- You jumped on takin me off your blogroll and then you did all these sports posts to repel me. Silly Randal, it will take more than that to keep me away. ;)