Wednesday, June 11, 2008

If politics was a person, I'd like to set it on fire while laughing uncontrollably at the screams

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is what happens when you sit down to watch the talking hairpieces.

But Randal, you say, that's a mighty good rant.

Indeed it is, but our esteemed ranter has likely cut 72.6 years off of her life by watching such overheated tripe. And if there's one thing you don't want to overheat, it's tripe. Really loses its flavor and then you're stuck compensating with too much Mrs. Dash.

Being one who is naturally cynical, I haven't come remotely close to embracing the inspirational, feel-good-campaignism of the Senator from Illinois. Just ain't my gig. Of course, being one who is naturally not inclined to overtly militaristic imperialism, the jackass from Arizona garners support in the negative. By default, I trust the average politician about as far as I can throw them, and I haven't been all that strong since I got off the flaxseed oil. Even pressing triangle, circle or square has become somewhat of a chore. The verbal smackdown by Barack Hussein X of Holy Joe, a truly contemptible and vile excuse of a homo sapien, was, however, quite enjoyable -- keep it up, young man, and you may yet win me over to indifference. Even more enjoyable was my (and other's) representative's on-the-floor crusade/jihad for impeachment that I know will end up going nowhere.

Yes, Lack O' Votes Brigade and the We Hate The Perfect Coalition, I understand your viewpoints, and even sympathize on rare occasions when I'm drunk or voting or voting while drunk. What I don't get are the 40-50% of Americans -- a greater amount than the crazy few still counting themselves as followers of Satan's puppet -- who don't support impeachment at all -- are you fucking blind, been living in a cave on Mars for eight years or merely passed out because of painful gastrointestinal problems caused by salmonella-infested tomatoes? Only $5/gallon gas truly boils your blood, the reasons for the price increase be damned? -- nor the cowardly and/or evil fucks of both parties that waste time in Congress investigating my fellow juicers or documentary filmmakers. (I dare not bother with the well-coiffed assholes at all; they're as helpful to the discourse as bovine spongiform encephalopathy is to good health) No, wait, I do understand them, as do you. All too well. But please, do not waste precious time defending either of these groups.

They don't deserve it, but we certainly deserve the government we have. A shame we cannot excise the 25 percenters from polite society like we aren't doing with the creators of this planned clusterfuck. I know that doesn't sound uniquely American. Big deal. I had no control over where I was born. If I had popped out in Gaza, I'd probably be a suicide bomber. If I had crawled into existence in France, I'd likely be topped by a beret (socialist, not raspberry) while writing bad existential poetry along the Seine.

Our outdated, two-party system doesn't work. Another uniquely unAmerican statement. I'd love to consistently vote third party, but unless you have a foolproof plan for a grand cultural shift, good fucking luck with those guys in any kind of national election. Folks like George Wallace, Ross Perot and Ralph Nader were the anomalies that proved the rule, and none of them had a legitimate shot at sitting in the Oval Office. Ever.

Oh, Randal, stop helping to prop up a broken system.

I will, when one of the major parties stops nominating candidates who count bombing, unfettered money worship and invasion of privacy instead of feathers, body oils and champagne three-ways as fetishes.

Look, we're a winner-take-all nation. Despite the lip service played to the underdog, America loves a champ; it's forced into our collective social DNA from birth. Don't believe me? How much Yankees and Red Sox paraphernalia do you see compared to the Brewers? Did you already forget the choking jingoism after 9/11? Shining city on a hill, hear us march on down to stomp you out of existence so we can steal your take our resources 'cause we're the greatest thing since the invention of the sandwich, motherfuckers.

I am legion, for we are many.

Everyone not the boss is quickly forgotten (unless you're the Buffalo Bills) because we're all trying to be the boss. There is a deeply ingrained expectation, and acceptance, of a bipolar world.

"My, what simplicity you have!"

"All the better to eat you with my dear!"

Yes/no, either/or, up/down, left/right, man/woman, red/blue, ketchup/mustard, good/bad, us/them. Nothing changes overnight save which B-movie you're watching on cable while sprawled out on the living room couch, bloated from too many bags of Funyuns.

Of course, this would all be solved if we had a parliamentary machine with a distinctly European flavor instead. Tell me you aren't salivating at the mere thought of bitching about an entirely different set of problems!

Those marching suckers were pissed off over, not an obvious transformation into a full-fledged rogue nation, but beef. Beef. Too bad this would never happen here. Protest and survive? Bah.

In a few decades, humanity is going to look back and wonder what the fuck we were thinking by not kicking these lunatics out of office. Oaths just aren't what they used to be.

I wonder how psycho the next one will be.

And remember, if paranoia about losing the election had/has/will have you against it, fret not, mes amis. We can still lose, trials and DOC inmate numbers or not. Place faith in the American voter and affiliated electoral contraptions at your own peril. I will not be joining you. Unless you're buying. I warn you though, the green fairy is expensive.

"Fool me once, shame on you. You fool me, can't get fooled again."

Oh, but we can.

Crime does indeed pay, you and your predecessors proved that.

You didn't think I put that up there for shits and giggles, did you?

Speaking of crime -- boy, am I the Master of the Segue -- a comment by Divajood in the Miami Vice post from this past weekend got me thinking. Most album covers that should -- if there were any justice in the world, and we know there isn't -- be illegal are usually associated with equally repulsive music, regardless of genre. But, within your personal collection, are there any putrescent sleeves stealthily hiding exquisite music?

I'm not talking ones that call forth neither good nor bad feelings, ones that fail to conjure venomous hatred and loathing, but ones that are, frankly, embarrassing. Until you spin the disc. See, even the greats fuck up.

My choice: one of my all-time favorite albums, a completely underrated classic within the primordial metallic soup that was the 1970s that one wouldn't know merely by looking at the disco inferno duds worn by Messrs. Butler, Iommi, Osbourne and Ward. I blame the drugs.

Top that.


Anonymous said...

Those marching suckers were pissed off over, not an obvious transformation into a full-fledged rogue nation, but beef. Beef. Too bad this would never happen here. Protest and survive? Bah.

I saw this story in the NYT also. I was walking to work with one my train friends and said to him, "Holy f*ing crap! South Koreans are willing to cram the streets of Seoul in the heart of their rush hour over American beef imports, but Kucinich's 35 articles of impeachment couldn't get a cricket to make a sound."

You maybe onto something with our style of government. We may need more volatility, not less, which is exactly what you get with a parliamentary government. Can you imagine a PM George Bush surviving a vote of no confidence?

As for bad album covers, I'm at work now, so I'll have to get back to you on that.

Je ne regrette rien said...

also take, for example, the current striking going on in Spain over fuel. vast majority of Americans are dullards. plain and simple. rant on, my brutha. oh, and apparently I am a fetishist.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

These are the days when I am wishing for somebody with the know how like Captain Midnight to return.

Remember him?

See, if Tee Vee got messed with, you KNOW 'Merikans would rise up.

okjimm said...

'Master of Segue' have a Master's Degree in Segue!

I only managed a Bachelor's in Buffoonery.

I would rather dispense with the Electoral College, voting.... just make our selection of President kinda like a reality TV show. Put two candidates in a cage and we get to keep the one that comes out alive.

Or make them sing and dance and we can all vote on-line; we will have four years of singing and dancing from whomever wins least we can make sure the fucker is entertaining.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, a no-confidence vote gives me almost as much of a happy as a sultry evening with Agent Scully.

Bring on the fucking volatility.

JNNR, it always warms my heart to hear others cast elitist disdain upon their countrymen as I do.

Oh no, you like bombing other nations? And here I thought we'd be friends.

UC, I think you're right. That might be our last hope. We'd need to clone a shitload of Captain Midnights!

okjimm, I thought of going for my Doctorate in Discontertarianism, but you have to actually defend your thesis and I lost my shield.

I love your first idea. I'll take any Dem over that endless parade of wrinkly crackers any day of the week.

Bush hasn't been entertaining? You apparently missed his legendary softshoe routine.

Übermilf said...

Even more than the criminal activities of BushCo themselves, I am disheartened, dejected and utterly demoralized by the lack of response by my fellow Americans.

We "great unwashed" could bring the power elite to its feet, and all we'd have to do is WORK TOGETHER.

But it's never gonna happen. If it hasn't happened after what we've been through the last 8 years, it's never gonna.

okjimm said...

//Bush hasn't been entertaining?//

Well he did say some funny shit after Katrina......but C'mon....he is like the Roseanne Barr of politicians...amusing for a bit but then it becomes the same old whine&wheeze.

I would really like America to have a third party, too.

In fact, I wanted my marriage to have a third party but my ex-wife did not like my ex-girlfriend all that much. A guy can dream, huh?

DivaJood said...

Please, Randal, I really LIKED Ross Perot's ears. They were bigger than he was.

And I've never been part of a segue before, gosh, that didn't hurt at all.

La Belette Rouge said...

Is it just me or in the picture of the protesters, don't the protesters look like a bottle of booze.

And, I didn't know Ozzie was in Black Sabbath. Your blog is so educational.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, how right you are. Hell, if the same percentage of Americans as in that photo were marching on Washington, they'd listen.

300+ million have more power than a (sizable, yes) cadre of bureaucrats, generals and assorted loonies.

I disagree with your last part, though. I think if the were to be a nuclear exchange, the bunkered survivors of our government wouldn't stand a chance against our mutated claws and sharp, radioactive teeth.

okjimm, I guess you're right, but I admit that I still chuckle when he uses 'folks' in the same sentence as the description of an atrocity.

For now we can, until they put the implants in our head that replace our dreams with advertising.

diva, that's a good point. He really should have gotten his own comic as a superhero. Flying to the scene of a crime via his big ears, trapping the thugs in them or whipping up some wind to toss them into a waiting police cruiser.

Oh no, a segue is very enjoyable.

LBR, heh heh, you're right. Absolut Protest. You should see the groovy stuff I bought with my NCLB grant money!

Frederick said...

That is what Democracy looks like. See, Bush is spreading Democracy, by spreading hatred of America he will spur people to vote against anyone in their Government that sides with us.

Anonymous said...

Well, look what I started. But I'm still confused about the whole Funyun bloat thing. I thought it was PMS. Now you tell me it's onion flavored, deep-fried styrofoam? You've so rocked my sense of understanding that I think I shall buy me some red pants and some funky boots for our upcoming family portrait.

DivaJood said...

I thought the protesters in that photo looked like the one-finger salute, not a bottle of booze. Shows you where my head is at.

b said...

God, this post kicks ass. The passion, writing, the message... brilliant. As I was reading it, I couldn't help but think about that amazing scene in 25th Hour where Edward Norton is speaking into the mirror.

The two-party system doesn't work. It fails what this country should be about and so often claims to be about. And you're right, I think so much of our American identity does love a champion, we do want to be the boss. We want to dominate and control. But we don't do anything about impeaching Bush because we still have it pretty good here and we don't want to shake up the rather comfy complacent lives of ours. Although many might love a champion, few can actually live up to being a true champion.

Ugh! Pour me a whiskey!

Bradda said...

I loves me a good rant. Well played sir!

Album covers: Huey Lewis and the News "Sports", cover is a bunch of sports balls(oh the wit!). I hate to admit it but that was and still is a damn catchy album when one is inclined to guilty pleasures.

Randal Graves said...

frederick, dammit, you're right and the rest of the world has been wrong all along. Go, George, Go!

dcup, the Funyuns thing was self-referential, though my wife does say I often suffer from PMS. I'm just fuckin' moody, what's it to you?

If you get yourself, mathman and the spawn to dress up like disco Sabbath for the next family portrait, well, I don't know. I'd have to come up with a gift worthy of such lunacy.

diva, once again with the vulgarity. My virgin eyeballs cannot take much more.

b, merci. I just don't see much of anything changing long-term, even if Obama were to get in and he ended up being Lincoln-esque. We won't get off fossil fuels hardcore until it's beyond too late, we won't stop fucking with other nations until the blowback makes 9/11 seem like Happy Fun Candy Day. I hope I'm wrong, but that's why I keep booze around. Better safe than sorry. ;-)

bradda, thanks! I remember that album all too well. My parents dragged my sister and I to a show of theirs on that very tour.

We could make fun of them all we want, but that album did contain some hooks.

The concept of guilty pleasure has always struck me as odd, something that has remained unresolved. If we derive pleasure from something, why should we feel guilt? Sure, there's 'bad' art, but where does the line stand? I like X, you like Y. Does that means X or Y is bad? Hmm, there's an idea for a post.

Bradda said...

You gonna put me on the "payroll" now Randal? Heh...

susan said...

Damn! Another great well argued post about real politics in America. I've either lived in or next door to the US most of my life and I've never figured out where the two party idea came from. It was like disaster was written into the Constitution along with all the ideals of true democracy. I'm just glad I can come over here (and a few other places) to read the rants then get back to my dream life.

btw: I saw the link to okjimm's egg roll emporium and just had to click... hahahaha

Randal Graves said...

bradda, if you don't mind getting paid even less than an off-the-books illegal alien vegetable picker, sure. ;-)

susan, believe me, many of us would love to try out at least the Canadian system. That no-confidence vote is the holy grail.

Well, okjimm had gone on considerably - and rightly, I might add - about the glorious food item that is the eggroll, so it seemed the right thing to do!

Swinebread said...

I voted for a third party candidate twice...

One of those times he turned out to be a eco-terrorist...

okjimm said...

//Doctorate in Discontertarianism // ???

Wade-a-minute! I looked it up. There is no such thing!

Boy& sure did fool me once!

Yes...egg rolls are good. And easier to pronouce than most things on an Asian menu.

Betty C. said...

I'm not so sure multi-party systems work a lot better...look at France...they eventually whither down to two-party systems with fringe parties messing it up for someone. Remind you of any recent US election?

Just don't try to tell me that things would have been THE SAME with a Democrat in the office the last two terms as with Chimpy. It just ain't true.

And speaking of Chimpy, did you notice what an idiot McCain sounded like in New Orleans? Either senile or on Prozac; perhaps both.

Even if you don't want to feel good, join the "feel-good" campaign. We need every last vote. And we need to feel better.

Randal Graves said...

swinebread, heh heh. Don't worry though, come November, we can vote for a real terrorist, Barack Hussein X!

okjimm, if you want to put your trust in the periodicals and internets websites of the military/industrial/entertainment complex, be my guest. But I assure you, such a degree is real.

betty, to be fair to Al, he did garner more votes and 2004 had nothing to do with a third party; that sucker was stolen.

Of course they wouldn't have been the same with a Democrat. It would be the height of foolishness to say otherwise. My point is that both major parties are part of the machine and even when there's a mostly successful Dem (Clinton) or a forward thinking one (Carter), we eventually get saddled with a president of horrid proportions (Reagan, Bush). We're working on symptoms instead of fixing the cause.

And no, I'm not under the delusion that a European-style system is the cure-all, but that I merely want more than two choices. The only true cure-all is humanity as a whole not being a collective ass, and we both know that will never happen. ;-)

I think it's obvious from this post - well, not obvious as it's very incoherent - that I'm voting for Obama. I just hope that 'need to feel better' doesn't preclude investigations in his first term. We all realize that none of the bigwigs will ever serve well-earned sentences, but everything must be brought to public light so we can lessen the chance another psycho at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Betty C. said...

I can buy that. And it's true that retribution for past crimes may not be on Obama's immediate agenda. Wouldn't it be great if it were?

The Cunning Runt said...

Three things pop into my tiny mind:

1) B, we have a one-party system. We have to OWN THAT before we can move beyond it.

2) That percentage of Americans protesting would never, ever fit into a chain-link-fence-with-razor-wire-on-top "Free Speech Zone," and

3) That photo of Black Sabbath makes The Atlanta Rhythm Section look downright handsome!

Liberality said...

That album by Black Sabbath is kick ass. But how about The Human League's album "Reproduction". It has a floor of crying naked babies with the adults disco dancing on top. Cringe worthy indeed. But the music, well, that is altogether a different story if you like progressive and nerdy techno-rock. I personally liked the song Circle of Death. It was the album of choice I put on each Halloween as those poor suckers came up for their candy.