Thursday, June 5, 2008

Housewifehusband log: Stardate XXX*

If the XXX doesn't grab your attention, I don't know what will.

Free gas for a year!


Eat some beans. As you will see, there's a distinct lack of erotica. Sorry.

Closet prude!

No, that's where I keep my stash of porn. I am indeed truly sorry.
Here you go:


















Oh, Alessandra. Sigh.

Je m'excuse, Flying Nunly, you'll find no beefcake here.



















"My friends, don't I count?"

Of course not. Anyway, you have zero time for striking a pose; isn't there an election to steal? Since we're on the subject of kleptomania, the reason for thieving, for the second time in a week, a post title from the inscrutable and groovetastic Freida Bee is three-fold:

1. I'm off today, and when I'm off, I'm even lazier than normal; thus, not using whatever small reservoir of energy I still possess to think of a clever title on my own. To my credit, eventually waking the slumbering powers of my brain, I did manage to change it from wife to husband because, though I do sometimes cry during certain movies and crying is about the most womanly thing there is, I piss standing up.

2. Despite my penchant for slackitude, there is plenty o' laundry to wash and fold, so I will be, in a certain sense, playing house. And once we've shuffled the kids off to school, my sometimes-better-half and I can play doctor in the near 90° heat.

Gee, this post is even sexier than I had envisioned.

3. I couldn't think of a third thing, so read my NBA Finals preview.

Hey, where are you going?

Ungrateful bastards.

















Woo. How exciting. Celtics and Lakers. Golly, I hope we see Michael Jordan at courtside! That would make the experience super duper special! Anyone have a bucket or an industrial-size paper bag?


















"Lakers...Celtics...oh, yeah."

Dammit Stern, not again. Would someone get him a towel?

Here's what we know: the Celtics can win on the road, which in these playoffs, came as a surprise. The Hawks beat them three times, for Satan's sake. The Pistons can lose at home, which is their recent modus operandi. My bad for giving them the benefit of the doubt. Flip, you're flopped. The Lakers can win if they're playing a predominantly older team. The new-and-not-improved Big Three aren't young pups. The Spurs can lose if Manu Ginobili suddenly misplaces a leg. And what was with giving up not one, but two 17+ point leads? Assholes.

Ray Allen finally showed signs of life as the series rolled on, Paul Pierce played magnificently on the road in a game that would clinch a Finals berth and Kevin Garnett was workmanlike. The problem? Since acquiring Pau Gasol, the Lakers, including the postseason, are 40-12. Kobe has indeed been spectacular, but Los Angeles doesn't make the ultimate round without that outright theft of an all-star calibre player for a never-was, a couple of never-will-bes, a corpse and some draft picks. Fuck you, Memphis.

In the regular season, Boston won by an average scoring margin of 10.3 points/game, the highest such mark in the NBA since the 1996-97 Chicago Bulls. In other words, they were really good. The Lakers weren't slouches themselves, winning by 7.3 points/game, third in the league. In the postseason, however, the Lakers have maintained such excellence, winning by 6.4 points/game, not too shabby at all considering the much better opposition. Yes, that leads all playoff squads. The Celtics have fallen back to 4.3 points/game, and were even outscored in one series -- by the Cavs. Grumble.



I'm with you, Herm, but the best indicator of future success is the points/runs/goals you score and allow, not your W-L record. And that, unfortunately, is what I have to make my prediction on, not the fact that Boston won 66 games beating up on scrubs like Miami, Charlotte and the rest of the Atlantic division. The Celtics certainly don't look like that steamroller anymore, do they?

Rooting for the city of Boston to win another title is akin to rooting for a Republican in anything, but I'd much rather see Kevin Garnett, for example, hold the Larry O'Brien trophy above his head than a guy named after a fucking steak. At power forward, Top Sirloin Rosenberg! Morons. Like this guy: McHale the GM was quite the opposite of McHale the player, and that, not The Logo, is who Garnett had to work under for so many years. And I didn't see a Hall-of-Fame calibre center thundering across the Land of a Thousand Lakes either.

One more, not often voiced, reason to root for the Celtics is the way they arrived at this juncture. How many times have we seen a team trade away serviceable, if not outright quality, veterans for so much young, untapped talent, draft picks, cap space, you name it? And how many times has that blown up in that team's face? Boston said, fuck no, good people of Massachusetts, let's get some old dudes and make a run. Sure, we'll be capped out and we'll lose some young players in the process, but these guys already know how to play. If the Celtics win the title, then more teams will likely follow The Dogma of Herm. For us basketball junkies, that means no more Jonathan Benders, Stromile Swifts and Kwame Browns controlling your fortunes! More blockbuster trades! Not for the future, but now! Crazy hedonism! Live for the moment! Pass that stash! Run around the house naked! If you're not trying to win a championship, you're in the wrong business! I'm looking at you, Donald Sterling!

So, drunken leprechauns dancing in the streets? Sad to say for those of us with a soul that hasn't been charred to a fine crispy texture because we're not cursed to find habitation in the sweltering concrete and plastic heap that is the City of Angels, that won't happen. Lakers in six. Fuck it. KG, Defensive Player of the Year, baby!








"Celtics in seven!"


*sorry, FB, today it's DefCon 1.

27 comments:

FranIAm said...

The thought of you folding laundry makes this old gal feel a bit more tingly than she should.

We have hampers full of the stuff, too bad you don't live closer.

Enjoy your day off.

(ps - that photo of McCain in the sun hat cancels out any positive thoughts of you and the laundry.shudder!)

fairlane said...

Redwings over both the Lakers, and Celtics in three.

Freida Bee said...

You hath blashemed the Househusband Log with a sports post for the last, I mean first time! For this, my lover Jesus will smite you and when your wife is "examining" you, you shall think of sports.

okjimm said...

Hmmmm.... is this a sports post, or a, hmmmm laundry post?

Lakers vs Celtics

or

Rinse vs Spin ?

I think discussing Randal's laundry may be more interesting.

Boxers vs Jockey shorts

sweat socks vs dress socks

liquid softner vs sheet softner


hmmmm...perhaps it is just a 'Soap Opera'.... "As the Tide Turns"

DivaJood said...

Bon jour. Okay, it really was a porn post, what with that icky John McCain photo and a linky-poo to Boehner weeping. I feel so unclean. Yikes.

As for the Lakers/Celtics, is Larry Bird playing? I'm so over the Lakers it's unbelievable. On that note, the damn Padres beat the Cubs last night, snapping a 10 game winning streak at only 9 games, (which I guess makes it a 9 game streak, doesn't it?)

Oh, well. I'm blond.

DCup said...

Hang on a sec. Laundry? Basketball? Half nekkid chicks? So wrong. I came here for fantasy baseball and hockey.

Je ne regrette rien said...

GO Lakers! GO Kobe! Kick the keltics (cuz that's how I pronounce it, ohn-kay?!) in the knuts.

how I read this post ... "oooh, cute panties! wonder if that bitch in them uses Murad?!" "hmmm....ridiculous hat. No wait a minute, quite useful hat. wonder how long he would struggle while being choked with the neckband. he's an old geezer, I bet I could take him" "mmm, short shorts...those were the basketball daze ... the days when real men could carry off a short short" "Keltics can win on road...blah blah...sumpn sumpn... which cupcake will I eat next? .. average scoring margin 96-97.... berry cupcakes might qualify for breakfast... lots of blurry white text on black background... wha? drunken leprechauns ... interest re-piqued ... how DARE he insult the City of Angels!"

Go Kobe! Go LAKERS!!!!

Dean Wormer said...

Anyone else notice how much McCain looks like Katherine Hepburn in "On Golden Pond" in that picture?

Bradda said...

LOL Dean, I did notice that, nice job. Celtics in 6. I often enjoy laudry porn myself Randal. That snuggle bear is HOT!

La Belette Rouge said...

I totally agree that men doing laundry is really-really hot.

Oh, and Dean Wormer, I don't think I will ever look at Katherine Hepburn in the same way again. Hmm, I wonder what Mc Cain thinks about calla lillies.

Utah Savage said...

Funniest thread I ever read. Now what did you say Randal?

Spartacus said...

Hope you had a great day off Randal, even if you spent it folding laundry and making b-ball predictions in 90 degree heat. Did you and the Mrs. get the mercury up a notch, at least? Celtics/Lakers? Gotta stay East Coast.

Hill said...

Slacktitude!

I'm in

:)

Hill said...

p.s.

I want to personally thank you for not having that horrid "try to type these skewered letters" as verification for a comment.

It's like some sort of drunk typing test.

:)

susan said...

Yeah, I always fail my first try at the drunk typing test and end up with one of the nine letter ones.

Oh basketball! Oh Wilt! Was I one of his 20k conquests or was he one of mine? How the fly times.. There are still Lakers and Celtics? How some things never change.

Randal Graves said...

fran, I could see a Zen and the Art of Laundry Folding, except those zen fuckers are much too calm. Plus, they're all too busy meditating to get funky.

I can't be held responsible for any nightmares fueled by that picture of McCain, that handsome devil.

fairlane, shouldn't you still be celebrating the victory of your Red Wings?

FB, I do nothing but praise your holy bloggerosity and this is how you repay me, by getting that pimp Jesus to work his mojo during acts of naughtiness? Oh, there'll be some smitin' alright. Sports posts ad nausuem!

okjimm, just turn the sucker on full blast hot, toss everything in, a few cups of detergent and push start. Isn't that how we're supposed to do it?

diva, I'm shocked. I really figured the ladies and gay dude sections of the internets would have loved all that manliness.

Want to trade records? We have a sterling 27-33 mark!

dcup, hockey is finished, and my fantasy baseball team is having a bad week. Find me someone to hit a homer and I'll post about the NHL Draft later this month!

JNNR, is it me, or is everyone in the tubes a Cowboy or Laker fan? Do you all have a factory where you clone Evil Sports Fandom®, distill it into a liquid then inject it in your collective craniums? There must be a exorcism for such blasphemy!

Should I do a pornographic cupcake post next time? That might require some work as I don't have photoshop.

dean, HA HA HA HA! Holy hell, that is hilarious. You win!

bradda, oh man, you're killing me. Now I have that fucking commercial in my head and that diabolically sappy laugh. You bastard!

LBR, hell, I'm going to have to start making laundry posts a weekly tradition!

utah, beats the hell out of me. And I'm with you. I could put zero effort into a post, but the comments are always groovy.

spartacus, I think next time I'll fold laundry in the basement. Much cooler down there.

I just hope the Celtics can keep up the defensive intensity throughout. You figure each squad might steal a game on the road, so homecourt is going to matter. Of course, they could always plan another Willis Reed moment, heh heh.

hill, no finer lifestyle choice than slackitude!

Don't get me started on those goddamn things. No matter how much I try, I cannot read Sanskrit.

susan, I think after awhile the system has pity, because now and then there will be an easily decipherable one.

20k? And here I thought you were a quiet artiste!

Dusty said...

Excuse me for a minute whilst I get sporty here:

GO CELTS!

Loved, loved LOVED last nights game. ;)

As a former resident of Beantown, I saw my first roundball game at Tha Ga-den..the original one..not that new one.

b said...

Hell yes!! I love this prediction!! And I love even more that the Celtics won last night's game! I almost got into a fight with some Lakers fans at the gym last night while watching this as I rode the stationary bike! It got ugly! But the Celtics held on! :)

Je ne regrette rien said...

rg-s'all about the cupcakes baybee! signed, the drone.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, oh, you mean that place that had the purposely warped parquet floor? Cheaters!

b, see? This anecdotal evidence proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lakers fans are insane! ;-)

JNNR, I think I'm going to have to go the store after work and buy some cupcake mix. I doubt they'll be as good as the ones you wrote about!

Dusty said...

And it smelled Randal..seriously odorous it was. ;p

susan said...

You mean you want my true stories?.. I'm still considering how far to go in view of the fact my husband, son and a few close personal friends are my main readers. Yes, my son is older than you but would you want your mother to.. ? or should I set up a blog with no links to current ones? Just saying here at the end of a comment thread.

Be well. I love your place over here.

Mary Ellen said...


Je m'excuse, Flying Nunly, you'll find no beefcake here.


You're a cruel man, Randal. :-(

Hey, I drove through Cleveland on Thursday, did you see me wave at you? What? You missed it?!?!? You must have been blogging or reading porn or something.

I'm in sunny...well, sort of sunny...very hot, New Hampshire and heading off to the Portsmouth Chowder Festival...yippeee. I hate chowder, but I'm sure there will be some sort of scenery to look at, some cute, young guys or some old one's with money.

I'm so glad I brought my computer with me, just in case you put some real eye candy on this blog for me. Half naked women just won't do for me.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, that's what I've heard and I'm glad I never experienced it in the flesh. ;-)

susan, oh hell, I was only playing along with the Wilt 20k riff (the new version of Leisure Suit Larry? ha!). A second blog would seem like too much work! Et merci.

ME, yes, yes I am. And what the hell? You didn't even stop by for a drink? I'm hurt.

If you make friends with one of those creaky rich dudes, remember your ole pal Randal and send me some of cash. Preferably in Euros.

Half naked women are real eye candy. I can't help it if you prefer hunky dudes.

b said...

Celtics are looking GOOD!! Although, I lost it a bit towards the end of the 4th when the Lakers made a run last night! Oh, how I love to see the Lakers lose... muhahahaha!!!

By the way, could you please take that half naked photo of me off your blog? It really conflicts with my charity causes. :)

Randal Graves said...

I think people are making too much of that 4th quarter run. Where was that shooting prowess when the Celtics were going full-tilt defensively?

To answer your question, you can pry it from my cold, dead blog. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


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