Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Quelques choses qui sucent.

1. The Indians' offense.

"Boy, we sure do suck."

Evidence? Yesterday's 7 for 32 that manufactured two measly runs against Dirty Sanchez and the San Francisco Giants, and being 16th out of 30 teams in runs scored since Opening Day. Not that bad, you say? Well, try singing this next tune.

2. The Indians' bullpen.

"Their bullpen sure does reek of the sewer."
"Like you."
"Fuck off, it's strong enough for a man."

Evidence? Yesterday's two runs allowed in 2.1 innings, wasting a solid Aaron Laffey performance, and a 4.87 ERA since Opening Day, 29th out of 30 teams. Frightening, no? I've got something even scarier.

3. The Republicans.

"The American people need to understand that turrists want to buy you ballet slippers -- dammit, Unka Dick, don't do that! Why da still have to wear a wire anyway? My speaking English is the goodest!"

Evidence? The last eight years. But wait, we already know that they're evil incarnate, so what could be the one thing that is even more disheartening, more soul-shattering, a far stronger stimulus to heavy drinking?

4. The Democrats.

"C'mon Sid n' Nancy, my strategery is workin'."
"Yes, your kingship."

Evidence? The last eight years. I trusted you man, now I don't believe in nothin' no more! I'm goin' to law school! Where oh where is our last, final, ultimate hope? Who will save us? Can you?

5. The American voter.

Evidence? The last eight years. And the next few months.

"Gawrsh, McCain has experience!"

My sentiments exactly, Dr. Smith.


Spartacus said...

Randal. Take solace in the fact that there are no baseball teams that suck worse than the Mets. However, nothing can help us with Chimpy's suckiness, except impeachment and maybe some other forms of currently outlawed forms of public execution. I'm sure Dr. Smith would agree.

Mary Ellen said...

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I spewed those same insults to my husband....especially the "Lead on you confused compass!" The guy just won't ask for directions, the dippity dunce.

I was going to write in your name for President, Randal. I figure you're State of the Union addresses would be real short, like "The State of the Union sucks because you spineless freaks in Congress won't do your job. Now, quit bothering me, I have a basketball game to watch."

---Oh, and then you can invite me over to the White House to have some chocolate cake and a couple of glasses of icy cold milk....or to smoke a joint.

Beach Bum said...

...what could be the one thing that is even more disheartening, more soul-shattering, a far stronger stimulus to heavy drinking?

Not just drinking, I keep playing around with the idea of expatirating to someplace out of the way. Like Belize or if I ever really get totally scared that the republicans will launch missiles in their War on Terror the south island of New Zealand. My reason for not going already is that I can't get my wife to move.

thatgirl said...

yeah, i was at that game last night. i genuinely felt sorry for jamey carroll. betancourt and perez looked good at least...

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, there's the Mariners. Perhaps we can take the neocons and their enablers and ship them all off to Alpha Centauri.

ME, oh, I don't know, that speech you just crafted for me is kind of long, don't you think? "The union's fucked up. Time for special brownies."

BB, if McCain gets in, I'll be happy if the dude doesn't use nukes. That's how low the bar these lunatics have set.

thatgirl, I still don't trust these guys. It has to be something mental. Sure, Baserunners Joe was garbage last year, but the other guys weren't. Probably some DHS thing.

Liberality said...

Yes, absolutely: Humans are insane!

okjimm said...

Ok...I checked the Fruit Cake Interpretation of Sports is listed as a 'kinda' sport. Only about seven weeks to FOOTBALL!

DCup said...

No wonder Lost in Space was one of my childhood favorites. It hadn't occurred to me that it predicted my adult love of British word humor.

American Hill BIlly said...

Beach Bum, I am expatrioted. It ain't hard. Ya do have to get in and find your way around cheaply. People will always take you for a ride. Belize, and alot of these countries around here speak English, but ya' better start learning the spanish; 'cause the ones that'll take you on a ride speak both.


I really liked the goofy/McCain Strategy.

Peace and Freedom

Randal Graves said...

liberality, glad someone agrees with me!

okjimm, which is why I chuckle at your disdain for hockey. Those are some crazy motherfuckers! But nothing, and I mean nothing is a finer sport than Americanized ellipsoid throwing!

dcup, I absolutely loved that show growing up. I wonder if it's even on anymore. I enjoy making my kids watch all that old crap.

AHB, McCain should adopt Goofy as his mascot and start speaking in Disney-ese. It'll probably help his campaign even more.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Fab! I need to make my own insult reel.

You inspire me RG!

okjimm said...

re: football..done&done, brother!!!

Dean Wormer said...

I really need to photoshop that Daily Mirror so Bush is doing the Vulcan live long and prosper thingy with his hand.

Randal Graves said...

UC, I feel like one of the Old Masters! Minus the 'master.'

okjimm, I can't wait to go to church every Sunday on my couch!

dean, ha! "How can 59,054,087 Romulans be so DUMB?"

DivaJood said...

How did you get me to watch all 9 minutes of that insult reel? All of it. "This is the gayest resort you've ever seen" indeed.

GWB: "Laura, I got me an idear. Wen I'm dun been teh Presdint, I wanna by me unuther baseball teem ta ruin. How bout them Injuns frum Cleevlun?"

Laura: "As long as no child is left behind, dear."

Angie said...

Silence, you bubble-headed boobies! Not you Randal. The other guys of course. I feel immensely better after watching the video. Now that's my kind of profanity.:)

susan said...

I'll agree with all the rest but I'm pretty sure the Mariners are officially the worst team in baseball.

pissed off patricia said...

Baseball, right? None for me, thanks.

Anita said...

Dr. Smith --- ALLITERATION!!!

I, too, forgot how much I loved Lost in Space.

My long-time crush was Major Don West.

So where is he (Mark Goddard) now?:

"Mark finished college after thirty years and went on to receive his Masters Degree in education. He is currently a special education teacher at the F.L. Chamberlain School in Middleboro, Massachusetts." (from Wiki)

Randal Graves said...

diva, you watched all nine minutes? You're my hero. That was a great reel!

The Indians ever get sold to Bush, well, I don't know exactly what I'd do, but it wouldn't be pretty.

angie, it takes a certain skill to be so ruthlessly insulting and brutal without resorting to the standard vulgarity. All hail Dr. Smith!

susan, they are, on nearly every front. Plus that poor town is going to lose their basketball team, and they got jobbed in the Super Bowl. They're approaching Cleveland levels of misery.

POP, I suppose you hate apple pie, too. Commie.

anita, I might have to resort to some DVD renting in order to watch it once again. Angela Cartwright was the one for me on that show.

susan said...

Yeah, but at least they're close enough to the Canadian border they get early dibs on BC Bud.

Randal Graves said...

Good point.

Dusty said...

Oh friggin Padres are the dregs of the National League..and have been all year. Recently their fucking record was twice as many losses as is up with that?

Our GM Kevin "George Hamilton tanned" Towers is a rube and a tool. He only goes after the guys that are on they are some kinda priceless coin he found in the sand at the beach with his friggin metal detector.

I hate Kevin Towers and I swear the sumbitch has pictures of the owner, John "tightass" Moores fucking the neighbors dog or something. Its the only way to explain how this fuckwit keeps his job.

Tom Harper said...

Well this post sure brightened up my morning. Neocons, spineless Democrats who keep bending over for them, and millions of stupid voters who might actually vote for McCain because of his "experience."

It's too early in the day to start drinking. Ahh, fuck it, the sun is over the yardarm somewhere (I think that's how that expression goes).

Randal Graves said...

dusty, yeah, what's up with that spray-on tan? What's frustrating for a Padres fan is that they've had enough talent to be playing in October, but if they had only spent a little bit more for one big bat. Of course, given their state now, you figure Peavy will walk (not sure exactly when he's a free agent).

tom, it's never too early to start drinking. And hey, ever take a look at your blog? Ain't exactly sunshine and happy fun candy!

Dusty said...

Peavy will be a FA at the end of 09 I think..and there is talk out there that Towers will trade him the year prior..which is a classic friggin Padres move.

DivaJood said...

Well, the Cubs are 4.5 games ahead of St. Louis, they don't suck at all, and I am taking up tap dancing. So there.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, for a AA pitcher and a A catcher, I bet.

diva, you might need to use that tap dancing in some magical ritual to help them end the curse.