Thursday, July 23, 2009

Bedtime stories

No, there's nothing sexual about this post despite me remaining ever sexy in that 'get away from me you creep' kind of way, though, as is my wont, there might be a photo of a scantily-clad lady in good time if I'm not too lazy to use The Google.

"The title is misleading. It's not the evening, dumbass."

Then pretend the bedtime story is a soap opera.

"But your life is boring."

Why must you be so -- so -- cruel?

Am I the only one that hears the cheesy organ? Probably tinnitus from decades of HEAVY FUCKING METAL SATAN BLEAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH.

Speaking of instruments with keys, cruelty might be giving this slice of Alkan to some unsuspecting yokel at their first lesson:

Looks as coherent and legible as the shit I pen when I'm drunk. Of course, mine remains waste whereas, in the hands of a master, the above rightfully earns accolades such as 'fucking hell, that's good."

Hussein X is in town today, ostensibly to sell Dr. Obama's Universal Tincture -- my advice: a top hat, twirly moustache, bikini babes and fire-breathing midgets -- but thankfully he's on the east side of Thieveland so the motorcade of sunglassed earpieces won't fuck up this afternoon's Tales From the Wheelie Bus. En plus, a Dum circus is never as entertaining as a wingnut one.

"Maybe Vader's kid will show up, leading a moran of birthers."

A man can dream, brain, a man can dream.

"You promised scantily-clad ladies."

Here's a shot from a recent blood sacrifice. What, you thought I was relying on my charm to achieve world nation household domination? I tried that, and ended up at the library, which speaks voluminously.


Christopher said...

All the people on that magazine have devil eyes.

Damn, now I wish I hadn't rammed my cross up Father Stephen's ass when he tried to molest me in that cramped confessional 20 years ago.

Demeur said...

Darn I was expecting bikini clad babes like something out of Sports Illustrated and what do I get? Something out of the etchings of Hieronymus Bosch.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, you know, they do carry a bit of the Mephistopheles, don't they.

The power of Ryan's Hope compels you!

demeur, c'mon, actual 21st century bikini babes would've been too obvious.

S.W. anderson said...

Demeur, Randal's eclectic taste in music is well known. His taste in the erotic is . . . erratic, possibly a result of fumes inhaled on the wheelie bus. A scandalously revealing image of that Sam Jason is said on the mag cover to be dumping would've filled the bill nicely. But no, we get 15th-century cheesecake drizzled with human blood.


Ricky Shambles said...

Don't know about Bosch, but it reminds me of the sexy prints that were in Boccaccio's The Decameron. Hotter than bikini babe bimbos any day.

Beach Bum said...

bikini babes and fire-breathing midgets

Just imagining Nancy Pelsoi in a bikini....I believe that excites me.

As for the midgets, well most republicans are not housebroken.

Christopher said...

Just imagining Nancy Pelsoi in a bikini....I believe that excites me.

Go to South Beach. Just like Speaker Botox, all the grannies have the faces of forty year olds but their tits hang down to their knees.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

At last, back off your meds and onto the google sauce!

All the Timbertoes rejoice.



sunshine said...

Yes, that piece of music looks tres difficult! I believe I could play it though. (no I couldn't... not even in my dreams!)

I don't know about anybody else but I thought these blog entries WERE your drunk writings... Hmmm, sorry bout that man. ;)

What the hell? Is that "scantily clad lady" at the top of the picture riding a goat?? While plucking a pot hanging from a tree??

I need to start watching soaps! That guy from The Y&R looks hot!


Tom Harper said...

You mean that Kenya-born non-citizen socialist is in Cleveland? Watch out, he's trying to sell that snake-oil Socialized Medicine, which will be the ruin of this great nation.

Tinnitus from heavy metal? That explains it. I've had Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption" guitar solo reverberating in my left ear since 1978.

Hill said...

"Maybe Vader's kid will show up, leading a moran of birthers."

Most hilarious thing I've read today.


Thank you, Randal.

BTW, that piece of sheet music with all those flats & sharps would definitely be a tad difficult to play.


Übermilf said...

Can't sleep. Birthers will get me.

susan said...

Dr. Obama's Universal Tincture just about perfectly describes what I've read of the health care non-plan. When mediocrity is all that's expected the meritocracy will deliver just that.

Randal Graves said...

SWA, I use to be fetish-free until that pumpkin n' smokes lady nuked half of my grey matter.

ricky, that depends on the bikini babe. Though most are far too beanpoley for my tastes, says the homely dude.

BB, what the hell is wrong with you? Now I'm going to have to vomit twice.

christopher, now I'm even more glad that I've never been to South Beach.

tengrain, they won't be rejoicing when Goofus fucks them up old school.

sunshine, I only blog at work and I'm completely sober. And hey, even Satan likes a toke now and then. Evilizin' is hard work!

tom, well, I need something for this pain I've had since I ate that trail jerky that I don't think was made from cow.

Hell, 30 years later and that EVH piece still fucking rules.

hill, geese have flocks, birthers/wingnuts/Murkans have morans. ;-)

übermilf, maybe you're simply afraid they'll find out that you were born in Kajikistan.

susan, I figured it would be severely watered down, but now that they're caving in the face of wignut vapors, I wouldn't be surprised if they come back from vacation ready to shelve the entire project. Plus ça change, yabba dabba doo.

Dr. Zaius said...

In the motorcade the earpieces don't literally wear sunglasses, you know.

Randal Graves said...

If Chimpy can construct his own reality, so can I. First amendment!