Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Feeling Merovingian

You know, long haired, grimy, ready to lop someone's head off.

Show 'em what I mean, granny.

"Go on, privatize my Social Security, motherfuckers."

Don't forget government cheese. Mmm, government cheese. My grandpa, before he succumbed to smokes and booze, used to get monthly deliveries of those vaguely daffodil-hued bricks, part of his WW2 Pacific theatre anti-sub pension one presumes.

I can't recall my grandpa ever saying 'motherfucker.' Said goddamn a lot, though. And I mean a lot. A cigarette, a can of Goebel(!) and a goddamn was the omnipresent three-course when my sister and I came to visit. We got the processed milk product which actually wasn't that bad, made a decent grilled cheese sandwich. No, I'm not going to paint -- oops, Microsoft Paint® -- up more moldy bread, even though it seems my brain is currently suffering the debilitating effects of such a deviously pervasive colony of spores, after having first been run through a toxic maze of slime, vomit and machine gun abominations, all without the benefit of a roll of string.

I hope the ever-present minotaur doesn't eat my skull -- what a fine bit of English language that is, skull, a syllable of ultimately unknown but decidedly foreign origin, unless the OED was written by a bunch of liars, deceiving us ignorant fools with an initially soft sound before aurally cracking hard and fierce with a whiff of the esoteric, skull, sssskull, SKULL! -- because, speaking to the vast army of my fellow headbanger types out there -- Tom -- here's some new Alice In Chains, a sinewy, overcast monolith that's slowly growing on me like a deviously pervasive colony of spores, just the way it should be motherfuckers; the new dude ain't the eerie Layne, but who is, his rotting corpse notwithstanding?

A query, ladies and gents: who would win in a fight, Zombie Layne or Zombie Reagan?

"Those are zombie babes."

Those are Zombie Layne and Zombie Reagan, brain.

"Oh, really?"

Yes, really.

"Those are Zombie Layne and Zombie Reagan."

That's what I said. And sure, the former bag o' bones will be dehydrated and lethargic from all that smack, but I figure if he can successfully fend off the latter's perverse pincer assault of strips of decomposing flesh screaming in the melodramatic breeze and volleys of gooey, Brylcreemed clumps of hair -- which he should, in theory, be able to do since the Saint was on the wrong side of 90 when he signed up with the They Always Die In Three! fanclub -- he can stab the former pretzeldent in the marrow with one of the needles strapped around his waste like an old school heavy metal bullet belt.

And as long as Zombie Billy Mays has a ready supply of Orange Glow and Kaboom! to sell, I say let the blood flow, the putrescent flesh quiver and may the best dead, deceased corpse win.


Nunly said...

It's strange, but when I heard that Michael Jackson died, I was surprised a bit, but didn't feel that the music world lost all that much. On the other hand, when I heard Billy Mays died...geez! Who's going to fill me with the same excitement I felt when I bought my first bottle of Oxy-clean????

Christopher said...

My Zombie Pinup looks like Christmas at the Palins.

I'm sure those Wasilla Hillbillies dine on human flesh.

It's so odd how Michael Jackson and Billy Mays are gone but genuine evil like Dick Cheney and Poppy and Babs Bush will on and on and on.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, he, unlike so many others in their respective fields, is irreplaceable. Now you are among the stars, Billy Mays. Sniff.

christopher, if I was a photoshop master, I could toss some spectacles up there, but alas, I am not.

Robots and vampires never die.

puddy said...

wow! all that zombie talk and not one thriller reference. i think you get points for that. nicely done.

S.W. anderson said...

Caption for the granny pic:

"Meals on Wheels comes near me with one more slab of so-called meatloaf drowned in 10W-30 so-called gravy, with a side of white paper paste, and it's gonna get ugly."

Christopher said...


I've got some scary as shit pictures of McCandy if you need them.

We used them in the takedown during the primary to help sink her and the Old Coot's campaign.

Give me a shout out if you want them.

Frogette said...

She's like Crone-an the Barbarian. Love it!

La Belette Rouge said...

Your first quote, which I am too much of a lady to repeat, made me snort. Yes, sometimes ladies snort with laughter.

Also, I love Frogette's comment!!!LOL!

p.s. Are you saying Orange Glow will turn me into a cursing zombie?

Tom Harper said...

Hey, that's my Aunt Hazel in that top picture. I didn't know her picture was on the Internet.

She's even meaner than she looks.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

How could you leave out My Zombie Valentine?



susan said...

Hah, trying to keep everything in perspective we've been having a George Romero film festival at our house.. which reminds me of meeting George and Stephen King at a theater in Warwick, RI at the premier of Creepshow. Now that was cool.

Dr. Zaius said...

I'm not sure that I understand. Government cheese is made out of zombies and Orange-Glo?

Übermilf said...

Reagan walked around like that for years. How can you tell if he's a zombie or not?

sunshine said...

Hey Grandma! There can be ONLY one! So, gimme that sword!!!

Randal. Haven't you heard? Cheese will keep us together? You really need to move to Canada so you can see our commercials. :)


dguzman said...

They're still playing Billy Mays' commercials on Faux Nooz. It's creepy.

Maybe his brain (and head?) are being kept alive in Michael's hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

Randal Graves said...

puddy, too many fucking kids think of Jacko when it comes to zombies. George Fucking Romero, dammit.

SWA, despite her small stature, I think she could pull off that violence.

christopher, are you trying to kill me, sir?

frogette, HA!

LBR, we're at my place, not yours. You don't have to be classy here. ;-)

If you're a zombie, I'm glad you're on the left coast. See what you can do about Ah-nold.

tom, I'd never turn down a slice of Aunt Hazel's Christmas fruitcake.

tengrain, because I knew you'd pick up the slack!

susan, you did? I'm quite jealous, dammit. I'm still kicking myself for having a brain cramp a few years ago and forgetting about a local horror convention where nearly the entire primary cast of the original Dawn of the Dead was to appear. Ken Foree, dammit!

dr. zaius, shhhh! They ran out of soylent green.

übermilf, the Brylcreem is starting to lose its luster.

sunshine, you can't fool me. I still think this whole 'friendly Canadian' thing is a scam perpetrated by your government.

dguzman, I saw a Billy commercial myself this morning. And I hope you're right, because right after said commercial, was one with the Shamwow guy hawking a brand new product. I know Billy Mays, and he's no Billy Mays.

Beach Bum said...

Dammit I owe Chef Cthulhu a zombie meme. Was working it during vacation but fell out of the mood while hanging out at the beach. Damn those bikinis get smaller and smaller each year.

Dusty said...

Love the grandparent story dude!

Have a good not try to do what the idiot in Tengrains video did ok? ;p

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. My zombie pin up is the economy after Obama unleashed his regime upon it. : )