Thursday, July 2, 2009

Easy, like Sunday morning

As usual -- officially measured at 76% of the time by the American Statistical Association -- I've got nothing. That other 24%? Merely the illusory ramblings of a brain-dead cracker. Upon realizing this realization, I realized that I had to decide to steal a bit from Splotchy, but instead of offering a 60-second doodle of the first commenter's suggestion, I would offer instead to wax stupid poetic on the first commenter's topic of choice. Then I remembered that we're closed tomorrow and Saturday so I wouldn't get to it until Tuesday at the earliest, then I decided that that's a stupid reason financially speaking in these difficult financial times and I further decided -- who's the real Decider, italics, motherfucker -- to steal from the WaPo.

$25k to create a post advancing YOUR personal agenda!

Take advantage of my vast resources!

Nearly a dozen readers daily!

No personal checks! Canned goods are fine! No creamed corn!

When you're off patriotically blowing stuff up, make sure your fingers aren't part of the carnage. I can't keep the internets pointless all by myself.

Dammit, Canucklehead Day was yesterday.

Hmmm, Captain America doesn't look too happy. Oh well, if I get patriotically blowed up, it's been nice knowing you. Fight Whitey.


Christopher said...

You know, speaking of Canuckleland, I used to dig Canada. All that open space, splendid cities like Toronto and Vancouver and Montreal.

And cheapo seats at the Roger Centre to watch the Yanks lose to the Blue Jays.

Then I learned they're still slaughtering baby Harp seals for their skins and I just got turned off to Canuckland.

In fact, we're not even going to the Roger Centre this summer -- which will be our final summer living in the northeast.

Übermilf said...

I could really piss off Canadians here. What exactly are they celebrating? "Yay! The British signed a piece of paper that said we're SOMEBODY!"

Randal Graves said...

christopher, did you ever think that perhaps Canada realizes the Grave Threat that baby seals can be to national security?

übermilf, you and I both know Canada will be laughing last once the Murkan Empire collapses, so you better get hip to hockey.

Suzan said...

Turns out, Randal,

In the jobless days ahead, this could be seen as a bargain!

$25k to create a post advancing YOUR personal agenda!

Thanks for the free publicity!

Who says WaPo isn't still a leader in the news game?


Utah Savage said...

Well I see that little has changed in my absence. This is comforting. How sick is that!

Dean Wormer said...

Is that gentleman in the photo wearing a cut-off shirt?


Randal Graves said...

suzan, who said anything about free? Where's my twenty-five grand?

utah, what, I was going to turn into some literate polymath of high culture? Lay off the acid.

dean, always gotta look your sexiest.

Tom Harper said...

Happy July 4th. Enjoy blowing stuff up as our Founding Fathers intended. And be sure to attend a July 4th tea party near you, so we can direct our fury at that commie in the White House.

S.W. anderson said...

O, Canada!

OK, Randal, how much did some enterprising travel/tourist interest north of the border pay you promote heading in that direction to enjoy the . . . sights?

Just one problem. Ms. Comehitherlook appears to have had her delightful picture taken well south of the border, at a location where palm trees grow.

sunshine said...

Excuse me! Excuse me! People please! Move back! Miss Canada coming through. :)
Randal! I want ... no I DEMAND to know how you got that picture of me.
(sorry... I just had to do it)

Christopher has hit upon an ugly thing. Poor Baby Seals. :(
Christopher, I hope you know that many Canadians are equally appalled as you are about this. They are working tirelessly to try to end this practice. For the first time ever, this year, a Canadian Senator introduced legislation to try to amend The Fisheries Act so as to end commercial seal hunting.
Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully... it will end soon. I believe that with many countries banning Canadian Seal skins, it's only a matter of time.
It makes me sad to think that you have been totally turned off of my country because of this. I hope that someday you'll feel like you want to come back. I don't live too far from the Rogers Center. Look me up! I'll buy you and your partner a beer. ;D

Sorry I hijacked your blog Randal!!
You kind of deserved it after your terrible pun on my blog though. :)
Ciao for Niao!

themom said...

You really won't be concerned as to how I get the $25K - will you??? I may be worn out and it may take awhile, takes time to case a bank and get out with the loot.

S.W. anderson said...

themom, thanks for the best laugh of the day.

jin said...

I'll pay the 25k to see photos of you wearing the bikini AND the face painting simultaneously.

(The k means karrots, right? As in 25 karrot kakes? Cause you know I got that... & MORE!)

susan said...

So did somebody smuggle you in a supply of those Mexican fireworks they pack in cornmeal bags? Which reminds me of the guy who'd had enough of it all blocking the doors and windows of his trailer and turning on the gas. Then he got bored with waiting and lit a cigarette..

Have a safe and happy 4th.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

One of my friends says, with a straight face no less, that he is 1/4 Canadian.

Canadian Club is more like it. Bunch of alcoholics, as bad as the russians, but with better beer, probably distilled from the blood of those Harp seals.



Liberality said...

I hope that all you dumb asses who do blow things up just for the hell of it DO get your fingers blown off. We could use a respite from the stupid pollution and patriotism you asses perpetrate! ;~))

Utah Savage said...

What Lib said! And lay off my acid habit.

Beach Bum said...

Canada needs to watch out, if we get another Bush in the White House with our finical power spent saving asswipe bankers and investors that screwed America in the first place they are the next in line for needing democracy.

I'm back from vacation and already need another.

Dusty said...

Holy fuckamoly..I live in an area of town full of idiots that try to alter their fireworks so they can blow things up.

I just hope one of them blows their nuts they can no longer procreate..we have enough stupid here on earth.

Happy 4th Randal my love! ;)

Distributorcap said...

randal - one beer too many huh?

Snave said...

Scheisse... That last picture turned the level of my indigestion up about two notches. Thanks, man! Heh!

Randal Graves said...

tom, I drank some tea, that counts as protesting, right?

SWA, are you saying palm trees won't grow in the Yukon? Why do you hate Canada?

sunshine, if that's you, got any more? ;-) Go on and hijack the blog, the comments from you yokels are better than my post 97.6% of the time.

themom, I hope you don't mean what I think you mean. If you do mean that, I will pray for your soul that it avoids the eternal fires of hell, amen.

jin, I could really use 25k, but you have to sign a waiver that absolves me of all legal responsibility if you go blind from horror.

And nice capitalist touch. ;-)

susan, holy shit, that's terrible! How dare those Mexcans corner the market on stupidity. That's our gig!

tengrain, are you suggesting we all get plastered with Canadian spirits, 'cause that's what I read into it.

liberality, you know, for someone who supposedly supports peace and yoga and all that jazz, you sure can be bloodthirsty. ;-)

utah, take all the acid you wish, I won't judge.

BB, plus, since no one likes Canada, we'll actually have the entire free world on our side this time!

dusty, so, any local reports of knuckleheads offing themselves? Entertain us!

dcap, I don't like beer.

snave, I take it you didn't dress up like that at your local tea party?

Dr. Zaius said...

As far as keeping the internets pointless, I think that you have plenty of help on that particular task. ;o)

Anonymous said...