Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Broken world

Go on, capitalist proprietors,
go on and shatter my precious worldview
with merchandising clatter battering
this disturbed noodle with cold cuts of doom!

COOKE HAM is now -- COOKED HAM? No! No! No! No!
Forgive cheating verse, but this proves a terse
warning: no, not pretzeldential dung of
Palin/Queztlcoatl 2012,

Mac the Knife's napalm dreams lining hell's shelf,
Jacko's corpse rotting in the LA sun;
no, none of that grisly fun -- something worse,
far, far worse than such a devilish curse.

Conjure six billion hearses, still too few!
Origin of that quick change, businessman,
I know all too well -- as should you! The return
of the Old Ones (at least not Cheney, whew)!

Let them cover up hidden agendas
of the planet's end, their holy grail.
These horrors need help now! Why? I'm sorry,
but Cthulhu is too big to fail.


La Belette Rouge said...

So, are you saying the world is made of ham? If so, I think Israel would have to be a side dish. And, I am not a big fan of ham. Is there a vegan world? I suppose Cthulhu is an omnivore.

Is it your suspicion that MJ's death and Palin's stepping down is all part of a right wing conspiracy to turn the world into a honey baked spiral ham?

Dusty said...

I love ham. I would really love a tv that works. sigh...

Mary Ellen said...

Ham is not the curse, it's Spam. No, not the fatty, slimy oleaginous stuff that comes in a can...it's the slimy perfidious stuff that ends up sprinkled among the porn...er, important e-mails in my account. I don't care if Sarah Palin is stepping down or if Michael Jackson is burning in hell as he rots in his casket before is adoring freakzoid fans and multitudes of news media camera's, just keep the freakin' Spam out of my e-mail inbox!

How was your weekend, Randal? :-)

Christopher said...

Private Jet-gate
Banned Books-gate
Saks Fifth Avenue-gate
Rape kit-gate
Wasilla Sports Complex-gate

McCandy must've had a sled named "Gate" as a youngster growing up in Alaska.

I'm certain if you cracked McCandy's head open, in the tiny cavity where her brain should be, you would instead find a blob of Spam.

It's the only logical explanation for what made this dimwit think she was suited to one day be president.

But her crash and burn is all David Letterman's fault. Just remember that.

Mary Ellen said...

Sounds to me like somebody has a huge crush on Sarah Palin. Just can't get enough of her, eh? And here I thought your only crush was on the Pope. You need to figure out which way you're swinging, Christopher! :-D

Übermilf said...

What I understand from this: you want a threesome with Sarah Palin and that purveyor of ham, Paula Deen.

okjimm said...

Cold cuts of doom..... I gotta say, that was pretty good. But if you refrigerate them, they aren't so deadly. just saying.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, I think you know a little too much.

dusty, if you would have applied for the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, perhaps you might have won that ham.

nunly, to this day, I have never partaken of Spam The Food. And I already answered your question at your place. ;-)

christopher, when I was late with my cable bill, I tried blaming Letterman. Didn't work.

nunly, I don't like Mooselini or the Pope either! Then again, I don't really like anyone.

übermilf, I just threw up, thanks.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, I always hoped that refrigeration did more than keep the mold away. Thanks!

sunshine said...

I don't like ham. We had it for dinner last night. I didn't eat any.
Perhaps if it was wrapped in bacon I'd eat it. Everything is much better wrapped in bacon.
Maybe if Sarah Palin wrapped herself in bacon she could win the presidency.


Christopher said...

Mary Ellen - Count your blessing Randal lets you come here and make a fool of yourself. There aren't too many blogs left who are willing to tolerate you. If you only knew what people say about you behind your back. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- I left a couple of suggestions at my blog on how to deal with your redneck neighbors. Hopefully the first one will work so you won't have to resort to the second one. :-)

It's ok not to like the Pope or Palin...at least you don't obsess over what they're wearing or what color lipstick they have on that day. (I think the Pope wears Loreal's "Summertime Pink"--but don't quote me on that, that's Christopher's job). ;-)

Randal Graves said...

I'd tell you two kids to kiss and make up, but that'd be like asking Thatcher and Gorbachev to do so. (Don't worry, this place will never turn into some asinine Shakesville-style 'safe' place, but I'm too fucking busy surfing for porn to police you fuckers, so clean up the blood yourselves when you're done, thanks!)

Mary Ellen said...

Christopher- Oh gee, I'm so worried what a bunch of Obot's say about me "behind my back". Boo hoo. I guess it's a hard pill for guys like you to swallow after you sent Obama all that cash and he threw you under the bus. Maybe that's why you're such an angry guy. Do yourself a favor and relax with a nice cold beer as you write hate letters to Palin and the Pope. That should make you feel better. :-D

Besides, Randal would miss me too much if I weren't around, I supply him with all the Wonder Woman porn his little heart desires.

Tom Harper said...

"but Cthulhu is too big to fail."

Damn right. What's good for Cthulhu is good for the country.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

At last some sort of poem about cannibalism, have you no shame, sir, have you no shame?



Beach Bum said...

Palin/Queztlcoatl 2012
Damn Randal, are you connecting Palin to the 2012 Mayan doomsday prophecy?

Shit, I knew that woman was trouble.

S.W. anderson said...

Randal, okjimm's right. That "cold cuts of doom" reference is inspired.

You belong in Hollywood, City of Industry or wherever they produce cult blockbusters like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes." You've got the imagination, the spark, the . . . twisted joie de vivre

Plus, you're damned good with a French's mustard bottle full of Day-Glo green paint. It's just that Microsoft already used that visual gimmick in a commercial. Remember all the people on the subway getting their yellow outlines? That was because Microsoft went with the real thing: yellow mustard!

So the moral is, next time use the real deal instead of cheaping out with green poster paint. Heaven knows, authenticity is highly valued on the Internets. :)

S.W. anderson said...

"No, not the fatty, slimy oleaginous stuff that comes in a can."

Is no American institution sacred? Please, let's show a little respect.

susan said...

Gee, I thought you'd done a nice Al Franken kind of job with a contiguous line drawing of the united states around that ham. Do people understand just how Big Cthulu actually is?

Christopher said...

Poor Mary Ellen.

Still a PUMA.

Still a racist.

Still a homophobe.

Still smarting over my busting her sorry ass for making Klan-worthy, racist remarks about candidate Obama during the primaries over a year ago.

Mary Ellen is 60 going on 14 and isn't very pretty. In fact, she's firmly in Baby Jane Hudson territory.

okjimm said...

I used to have a homophobe when I was a kid.... then I upgraded to stereo.

okjimm said...

oh, it was a monotone, not a homophone.... I get easily confused. never mind.

okjimm said...

But I still like homogenized milk........ not the pasture-ized stuff

okjimm said...

Boy, and speaking of milk.... anybody gotz any cookies?

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, Everything is much better wrapped in bacon is probably my most favoritist comment ever uttered at this shithole. Don't be giving Mooselini any ideas, though.

tom, how is Cthulhu supposed to devour us all if we don't fund him with taxpayer dollars?

tengrain, cannibalism? Did you just call everyone a Mayan ham? That hurts.

BB, I sure did, gosh darnit!

SWA, now I've got the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes theme in my head. That should be our new national anthem, much shorter than the one we've got now, giving Red Sox fans ample time to shake the dew off the lily.

Hey man, I'm lo-tech. I like to kick it old school. No Photoshop for me. ;-)

susan, no, which is why I tried finding a picture of a ham a few hundred stories high, but alas, genetic engineering has yet to breed a pig that large. Lazy scientists.

Oh, christopher and nunly, I had hoped you kids would make it. Alas, I must drown my sorrows in milk and cookies. okjimm, don't bogart the oatmeal raisin.

Mary Ellen said...

Wow Christoper! The so-called "facts" you have about me are about as accurate as the "facts" you have of Palin!

First of all...if I'm 60 years old, I sure missed out on a lot of birthday cake that was served at the birthdays I never had. Damn! I love cake, especially chocolate. Wait...is it ok for a racist to prefer chocolate cake to white cake? Does that mean I have to get rid of my chocolate lab and trade her in on a yellow lab?

And if my not voting for a black guy makes me a racist, well...I guess you got me there. I also didn't vote for a bunch of white guys in the past, so what does that make me? Oh yeah...once, when I was walking down the street, I bumped into a Jewish guy by accident, so I guess that makes me an anti-Semite!

As far as being a homophobe...oh my! Just because I dislike one gay (that would be you) that must make me a homophobe! Isn't it funny how that works out? I guess it's the same standard you use for racism.

And I'm a PUMA? Gee, I wish I had signed onto that because it seems like the PUMA's had their facts right about Obama. I just became a plain old Independent. Maybe when I turn 60, though, I'll become a Cougar because it sounds like they have a lot of fun.

It's really been fun sparring with you Christopher, but I have to end it with this comment. I don't want to miss any more breaking news stories on CNN telling me that Michael Jackson is still dead.

Randal- I promise, this is my last comment on this issue....Christopher made my day, thanks for the forum!!! :-D

Dean Wormer said...

You know what I do with my kids when they fight? Shaving cream war!

(Outside in the yard of course.)

Randal Graves said...

You don't give them M-80s? What kind of a father are you.

okjimm said...

Ya, Dean, What Randal said..... gees, at least some sharp pointy sticks!

Dr. Zaius said...

Your ham has an unhealthy green tinge to it. Is that a pork-related money tinge?

Dean Wormer said...

Are you kidding? You could put an eye out with an M-80. Not so with shaving cream.

(of course when I was a kid we used to have regular bottle rocket fights.)

Christopher said...

Mary Ellen,

See next post.