Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A wonderful, magical animal

No, this post isn't about pork chops, bacon or ham, though the last could and should be considered the catalyst of this ramble for, each morning and evening, Tuesday through Saturday, I pass one particular convenient store of an endless number of convenient stores -- perhaps they will be the HQ of our societal downfall, that or the legalization of the ultimate gateway drug which will eventually create a mellow army of heroin addicts easily controlled but what about the cokeheads for they can get crazy and violent betcha didn't think about that I hope you're happy you filthy hippies -- boldly stating that COOKE HAM is for sale. Not VIRGINIA nor MAPLE nor SMOKED, but COOKE.

Was there a person with the surname of Cooke who, through ancient culinary techniques long lost to us head-in-the-sand moderns enslaved by the microwave and its invisible radioactive mind control rays, created this delicacy? Or, more plausibly, did the D simply fall, like David Bowie, to earth, never to be replaced because the manager of the store is of course a lazy American?

Cooke, in my wandering mind fueled by the morning sky whose oppressive, pallid mixture of cobalt and slate grey, pregnant with rain, inevitably led to Crookes, one William Crookes, inventor of the Crookes tube, an item that failed to defeat The Hideous Evil Elbow® in H.P. Lovecraft's The Shunned House, but something else did and thus a happy family now lives there, free of any horror from beyond. Why? They're crazy and violent cokeheads, and that'll scare the hell out of even cosmic terrors, duh.

The moral of this frightening tale? That we should start selling cocaine at your local convenient store.

Keep watching the skies in your mirrors!


Übermilf said...

Can you stop talking about poetry for once?


Mary Ellen said...

Sheesh...I keep forgetting to smoke a joint before I come over here.

Why would anyone want to eat portions of a pig anyway? I don't get it. They are dirty, smelly animals, not unlike politicians.

Liberality said...

I hope you're happy you filthy hippies
No, but keep trying and we might get there...;~)

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, jamais!

nunly, there was nothing unclear or psychedelic about this straightforward post.

Um, because bacon, unlike politicians, I assume, not being a cannibal and if ever forced to I'll find someone else to eat, is tasty.


liberality, yeah, good luck with that. ;-)

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I've read that to really get the most out of a party, you need to be on the same drugs as the guy controlling the music.

Could you at least share before you write something like that?



Lisa said...

Look at that poodle! I like mine dipped in garlic butter. Like escargot.

Chef Cthulhu said...

Coulda' been worse...it could have read "VIRGINA" or "MALE" ham.

I suppose you didn't purchase any and it therefore was "The Shunned Ham".

Beach Bum said...

...of an endless number of convenient storesYeah, all those "Speedy Marts" bug the shit out of me but with all the jobs going to China where are Americans suppose to work? We can't all flip hamburgers for McDonald's or sweep floors at Wal-Mart.

As for "D" falling off to earth our any number of other typos I profess to probably have done it myself.

susan said...

Remember, what you see in your rearview mirror is both larger and closer than it appears to be.

Tom Harper said...

Ah, the Chain Sisters -- Daisy and Food.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

who needs blow when there is french wine?

Dean Wormer said...

I don't know what's more scary- the fact that you write this stuff or the fact that I'm beginning to understand it.

Hold on -- I have to fight off a hideous evil elbow.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, sharing means caring. Who do I look like, Barney?

lisa, I don't know, poodle can get a bit gamey. You don't find that with vampire bat.

chef, if there was ever an HPL-themed comedy tour, you would be the headliner.

BB, I can't believe you've forgotten about that time-honored American tradition of workmanship, panhandling.

susan, so I should speed up and slow down?

tom, don't forget Fools.

jnrr, I would like some blow, but I usually just get whine.

dean, if you understand it when I don't, now I'm really scared.

Spartacus said...

I think it's time for you to join the Army of Discontent.

Randal Graves said...

Can't it wait until after I tell everyone what I had for breakfast?

Dr. Zaius said...

Uh, what ARE you rattling on about?