Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Scrambled eggs

Not merely a homage to that greatest of meals, breakfast -- unless beef stew is involved, then prepare the arena for shattered shells, cracked bottles of Real Maple Syrup®, carrots bearing swords, dismembered potatoes and bloody cow parts -- but an extremely clever metaphor of my brain. But not on drugs. Just say no, unless you say yes and it leads to some funky creative output. Don't simply get baked and watch the telly. You can do that shit while sober.

Art, motherfuckers, non panem et circenses, art. Unless the Cavs are on.

One of the multitude of things I do the half-assed American way to "earn" my paycheck is process sexy new periodicals and something that I've noticed in the various literary journals such as the Georgia, Iowa and Goofy Gopher Review is that none of the poets -- ever -- use a traditional form. Ever. I'm not against free as a bird verse, I use the junk myself when warranted, but never never never never do I see it in others, nevermore. In every other field of creation there seems to have been at least a one-night-stand with something retro, a neo-classicism, a garage rock revival. Not poetry. Damn postmodernist hipsters.

I mean






Go sonnets.

Anyway, it's becoming more and more difficult, really difficult, to come up with crap for this dump. I don't know how you non-political fuckers do it post after post, day after day. And you political fuckers are your own special category in the DSM-IV, so I understand completely. Seek help.

Maybe I should start having special scrambled eggs for breakfast. It's not as if I drive to work.

For no one's listening pleasure but my own, here's some

That'll scramble your brain. Good times.

One last thing, the Blue Jackets finally made the goddamn playoffs. Figures they'd be up against Detroit. Oh well, getting your ass kicked builds angry characters. At least my cable company gets Versus at last so I can watch the Red Wings dispatch in 5.

And what all you sports haters have been waiting for, the rest:
Boston over Montreal in 6. The Bruins won't choke until at least round two.
Pittsburgh over Philadelphia in 6. Hard to beat a team that has two of the three best players on the planet.
Washington over New York in 6. Too much offense vs. pop-gun offense.
New Jersey over Carolina in 7. Sure, the Hurricanes are hotter, but Martin Brodeur has, unlike last year, actual scoring threats in front of him.
San Jose over Anaheim in 6. See Boston/Montreal.
Chicago over Calgary in 5. Man, the Flames look like shit. Does Iginla have malaria? And when did Kiprusoff start playing goal while high?
Vancouver over St. Louis in 5. Plucky Blues won't get past a world-class goalie.

On my signal, unleash bacon and French toast!


Übermilf said...

I want to hear about your high school prom. You could blog about that. In poem form, even.

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

ah scrambled eggs. love them every morning. Now in france they are even better - first because my chickens give me free-range fresh eggs every day and second because france has "allumenttes" small sliced up fresh bacon bits, fry these up and then add the eggs, oh man!
my blog is about france and biking and I'm sure it gets a bit dull sometimes, but I don't post everyday like most people. I'm amazed people can come up with stuff, interesting stuff even.
would love to hear about what you have for lunch maybe or dinner, why only breakfast!

Lemmy Caution said...

Was happy to see that Columbus finally made the playoffs as well. Good luck to them.....although not so much luck that they make it further than the Pens.

Just sayin.

Mary Ellen said...

Breakfast is my favorite meal, in fact, sometimes I have it for dinner.

Sounds to me like you're hitting some serious blog burnout. The best way to counteract that is to say (to yourself) you're going to close down your blog. That's when the ideas of what to write about come falling on you like manna from heaven.

...but don't close down your blog because I need something to read everyday. :-)

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You talk about breakfast and leave out the coffee?Damn socialist,



Tom Harper said...

I hope this comment isn't off topic, since you did have a heavy metal video on this post:

Are you into Mastodon at all? In the last issue of Rolling Stone, this writer was just swooning over them, saying "they're so far ahead of every other metal band, nobody else even comes close." WTF???

I think they're good, just based on a few YouTube videos I've seen of theirs. But I can think of a shitload of metal groups that aren't exactly gonna go slinking off the stage. Anyway, just wondering what you thought of them.

S.W. anderson said...

Bushes come and Bushes go,
the worse for wear they leave us.

But through it all we sufferers pay,
letting bygones be bygones, by Jeebus.

There! And a steaming pile of crispy hashbrowns to you, sir. ;)

Beach Bum said...

The world is always better after pancakes with bacon. As for crap for my dump, yeah I'm getting tired as well.

Utah Savage said...

Well, if you'd left it at poetry, I'd have a comment, but no, you had to drag in all that music and hockey crap. Now I'm just pissed and wanting scrambled eggs. You swine. I'm OUT OF EGGS! But does that make me want to burn my house down?

Chef Cthulhu said...

Pancakes encore pancakes et toujours pancakes...

Dude, if this is what you come up with when you can't think of shit, I wouldn't worry.

Even when I have something to blog about, my head feels full of cement. Hell, it took me 20 minutes to write this reply.

Bruins. Fuck the rest of them. Hey, I hear the Indians won a game.

La Belette Rouge said...

I bet you could do a fierce postmodern poem on scrambled eggs. Be sure to use some DSM-IV codes in your poems and you will be in the hip lit journals before you know it.
p.s. I am really pick about my scrambled eggs and poetry. Your eggs look good and your poetry is always brilliantly satisfying.

darkblack said...

When you use iambic pentameter, the terrorists win.


Randal Graves said...

übermilf, the prom? An odd request, but alright. I'll see what I can come up with.

NVJ, and these are real bacon bits, not the processed soy crap they sell back here? Lunch = more coffee. Maybe I will come up with a post on dinner. "Last night we had delectable bowls of corn flakes!"

lemmy, I can see the Penguins making the finals. The Blue Jackets, not so much, unless Nash gets possessed by the ghost of Mike Bossy.

nunly, I'm closing down my blog.


Alright, where are all these bloody brilliant ideas? You lied to me! ;-)

tengrain, given that I all but have a caffeine IV, talking about coffee is redundant. It'd be like mentioning the breathing done in between sentences. ;-)

tom, good sir, this ain't no chump A-list site, nothing is off topic.

I read that article myself and there are two things you should come away with:

1)it was really bizarre fawning over a band that cannot, for a multitude of reasons, have the same impact as a Black Sabbath or a Metallica and

2)Mastodon is really good. Their first album, Remission, is their heaviest, this neo-sludge riff monster and the new one is that fucked-up psycho prog workout creamed on in the article, but it's worth it. I really should review the damn thing. Just give them a few spins to sink in.

SWA, *sniff* that was beautiful, man.

I love hashbrowns!

BB, but after a gap of not posting, you usually have a great story for us that shows some actual effort. Thus, don't shut down your blog or we'll send all the goopers from our states down there.

utah, if you plan to burn down your house, do so during winter so you can at least keep warm for a bit until the fire fizzles out and you turn into a human icicle.

Time to post more hockey!

chef, I understand the cement thing, but as I keep telling myself, cement is useful so perhaps after the blog crashes and burns, I can be the cornerstone for a shiny, new office building.

You know your Bruins will falter at some point but, unlike the horrible Indians, at least they made the playoffs.

LBR, but then I wouldn't have written another cheesy love sonnet!
Although, I might actually go with your idea and see if it works.

Whenever I get around to purchasing a digital camera, the first shot I toss up here should be one of my actual breakfast. ;-)

darkblack, HA!

Snave said...

"hips terse" indeed!

I am not a hockey fan enough to care who wins the Stanley Cup. I don't even really understand the rules of the sport except that there is a blue line, there's something called high-sticking, and hockey has a penalty box.

Nonetheless, I had four Yahoo! Fantasy hockey teams this year, and out of four ten-team leagues I finished 2nd in two, and 5th in the other two. So I guess I know which players are good but I have no idea what they have to do to be considered good.

Now if it's the NBA we're talking about, I'll go with the Blazers, Greg Oden notwithstanding, over the Houston Rockets in seven games.

And look for the stench of Cthulhu's Feces to rise and permeate Sweet Zombie Jesus! 8-)

Snave said...

Also, "amen, brother" to the last sentence of your excellent post!

Dr. Zaius said...

French toast? Did someone say something about french toast?

Lisa said...

I'm feeling totally scrambled by this.