Thursday, April 30, 2009

Of course this post has nothing to do with sports, don't be silly

Ha ha, Utah, fooled you.

Boston vs. Carolina: Sweet Zombie Jesus how the fuck the Devils gave up the game-tying and game-losing goal in the last 90 seconds I'll never know because I'm currently sober and therefore not as open to transdimensional cosmic theories as much as I'd like. Sure, rooting for a devastating natural force such as a hurricane is a get-the-juices-flowing quite alright gig, but it doesn't get the BLOOOOOD 'A CHAINSAW SPATTERIN' BLEEARRRRGH! like cheering for the Unholy Master of the Black Pit. Back on this island earth full of tasty swine just dying to be part of my next BLT, Boston owns Carolina this year, 4-0 with a goal aggregate of 18-6. Yeah, small sample size, but maybe this is the year they finally exorcise the rookie ghost of Ken Dryden, the apparition of Ray Bourque and the poltergeist of Don Cherry's wardrobe. Bruins in six.

Washington vs. Pittsburgh: What a ratings bonanza! I predict a 3.2 share, good for 198th. People, Alex Fucking Ovechkin, Evgeni Fucking Malkin, Sidney Fucking Crosby. What more do you want?

Dear Hockey Gods,

Please let this series go seven, with at least four overtime games.

Make it five.

Love, Randal.

Speaking of Don Cherry a few paragraphs, albeit small ones, later, I hope Ovechkin scores and celebrates with ostentatious Louis XIV aplomb about 752 times, which should be enough to give that Canucklehead a legendary apoplectic fit on camera. Penguins in seven.

Detroit vs. Anaheim: The 2006 Oilers, also seeded eighth, made it to game seven of the Stanley Cup. Anaheim, despite having a dumber nickname -- go to Guantanamo, descendants of the Anti-Semitic Corpse of Walt Disney -- has more talent than those guys. Of course, conventional wisdom says the Red Wings should win, but I'm not a fan of conventions (too crowded and the freebies are always cheap trinkets) nor of wisdom (requires brain illumination). I still ain't picking the Ducks. I don't care what he did in the quarterfinals: do you trust the funny Jonas brother? Red Wings in six.

Vancouver vs. Chicago: No one, outside of Roberto Luongo's mom or an inebriated Blackhawks fan -- but I repeat myself -- saw this semifinal matchup coming way back in October. It's all about the goalies and before you tell me that the Bulin Wall has won a cup whereas Robbie the Robot (I have no idea if he has such a nickname in British Columbia, or if he's even a mechanical man, but he does have a lifetime playoff GAA of 1.63 in 16 starts) hasn't, I'll tell you that Havlat/Kane/Toews isn't St.Louis/Lecavalier/Stillman. Yet. Canucks in seven.


Übermilf said...

There are more people of Polish descent living in Chicago than in any other city in the world outside of Warsaw.

Is this another anti-Polish slam?

Have you ever been smacked in the face with a kielbasa?

Mary Ellen said...

Ubermilf- LOL! I love your comments.

Randal- I can only say one thing...Go White Sox. That's all I got.

Dean Wormer said...


Have you ever been smacked in the face with a kielbasa?I have. But it was in college, so that sort of experimentation is normal.

Dusty said... are Da Bomb!!!

Randal..when the commenters get more applause than the's time to get your Shite together ain't it?

Just kidding..when do the Cav's start again?

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, are you coming on to me?

For the record, I love Chopin and Szymanowski and kielbasa, whereas I bet you have a poster of Ivan Putski in your house.

nunly, hell with the White Sox!

dean, I bet you've got all kinds of stories.

dusty, getting my shit together would severely cut into my leisure time.

Beach Bum said...

Carolina has a hockey team?1?! I swear the last thing anyone wants is a bunch of Southern rednecks slip-sliding on ice waving big damn sticks. It ain't natural.

Lemmy Caution said...

Can't wait for the Pens series to start Saturday.

I have to disagree with you wanting it to go seven games....

That would put game seven on the same night as the two hour Lost finale. We can't have that.

Chef Cthulhu said...
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Chef Cthulhu said...

How the best goaltender the game has seen gives up 2 in the last 90 seconds like that is unbelievable. I guess he is human.

I've said it before I'll say it again. Anaheim should not be allowed to have professional sports teams. The names invariably SUCK.

Yeah, BB - you have a hockey team. They've even won the Stanley Cup once. Which is more than we can say for the Bruins in the last...OOOoohhh...forever.

Randal Graves said...

BB, add in some beer and I don't think that plexiglass would be sturdy enough to protect the paying customer.

lemmy, I don't watch Lost, so let it go seven. ;-)

chef, hell of a time to be human, though Roy gave up 7 or 8 back in a Western final a few years back, no?

The only thing the LA area really cares about anyway is the Lakers.

I'm starting to come around to the Bruins. Sure, their depth is much younger than, say, Detroit's, but there are some players there, and hey, maybe Thomas is simply a late bloomer. Better than being a facade like Jim Carey.

Anonymous said...

I only came to read this post because you said it wasn't about sports. You lie, brigand! And of course the Redwings will win. It's sacriledge to think otherwise. Hmmmph!

Suzi Riot said...

Hockey? I have nothing to contribute, except this pointless comment.

susan said...

I'm a bad Canadian.. gave up watching hockey when I moved to the west coast the first time and the games started at 5pm.. and it wasn't freezing cold and dark.. and I could go outside searching for magic mushrooms.

Westcoast Walker said...

Hey Randal - it seems that your otherwise erudite and astute fellow bloggers are a little weak in the hockey department.

First of all, as an official Vancouverite I can inform you that Luongo is frequently referred to "Louie" for a nickname, or is subject to the ubiquitous call of "Looooooo" by the charged up and frequently inebriated fans at GM Place.

Your assessment of the 2nd round is fairly spot on, and I agree that the Penguins-Capitals series is going to be sweet.

Of course I am one of the many Canuckleheads caught up in the fervor that is the quest for Lord Stanley's Cup, and my otherwise chilled out Pacific Northwestern paradise has become a hotbed of rapid hockey radicalism.

Even my 2 year-old daughter can shout "he shoots, he scores!" with great authority and gusto. They even have the games broadcast in Punjabi here to satisfy the South Asian community's thirst for our national obsession.

Of course Susan should be careful about admitting to hockey indifference, as a Canadian this is considered high treason in some circles.

P.S. "Go Canucks Go!"

Westcoast Walker said...
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Steve Harkonnen said...
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Randal Graves said...

afd, that's what we brigands do, lie, so the rest of our gang can steal your whiskey and gold!

suzi, why does everyone hate hockey?

susan, I'm telling Dudley Do-Right on you.

WW, I know. I love these yokels, but they sure do test the patience with their disdain of glorious hockey.

I imagine your place went psycho in 1994, and though one can't predict such game 7-ery, Luongo is far better than whomever you guys had in net back then, so you never know. Plus it's good when a Canadian team wins the thing, much better than when, say, Dallas does. Or Anaheim a couple of years back.

You should write a letter to the PM about susan.

susan said...

Oh, please not Dudley!

Distributorcap said...

hockey is the bane of my existence.