Thursday, July 16, 2009

THIS? THIS IS A VENDING MACHINE.

















YOU PUT YOUR MONEY IN AND PRESS THE BUTTONS THAT CORRESPOND TO THE PRODUCT YOU WANT THEN STICK YOUR HAND IN THE SLOT WHEREBY IT GETS BITTEN OFF LEAVING YOU TO BLEED TO DEATH ON THE CARPET AS I STAND MAJESTICALLY ABOVE LAUGHING BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD YOU IT WAS A MONSTER VENDING MACHINE HA HA HA.

16 comments:

Christopher said...

I shutter to think where the slot is located to deposit a coin.

sunshine said...

My Gawd! It's true.
You are a genius!!!

Got a band aid handy?
Anybody??
......
Please?

((Hugs))
Laura

Übermilf said...

That's why I always wear an iron fist.

Take that, monster vending machine!

Tom Harper said...

That reminds me of that urban legend from a few years ago, about HIV-infected needles being placed in the coin return slot. You reach in to get your change, and Poke! You have AIDS.

At least I assume it was just an urban legend.

Ricky Shambles said...

Dang. Good thing I carry my pocket-cauterization torch with me. I should've known when it wouldn't let me pick the Ding Dongs in the upper corners - they were its eyes!

Randal Graves said...

christopher, I've seen many people take their sweet ole time deciding what processed crap to buy, but this person was manifestly confused about how to operate the fucking thing.

sunshine, a little fire'll fix that wound.

übermilf, I always had you pegged as a Motörhead groupie.

tom, that's certainly an urban legend. The needles I found were always heroin-filled and shrinkwrapped.

ricky, good thing you have that, for Ding Dongs are the advance guard of our future masters from beyond the stars.

okjimm said...

Hmmmm ... does the machine give "Change I Can Believe In" ?

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, sorry, it had to bail out the potato chip company.

S.W. anderson said...

A killer vending machine — diabolical indeed. But how are you going to drum up "business" once you've got a bleeding stiff on the floor in front of it? I mean, even after the deceased has departed you've got a residual blood stain and lots of bad word-of-mouth to overcome before the next customer/victim.

What you're plan lacks is some sort of coordinated trap door in front of the machine. Then, no muss, no fuss . . . "next?"

susan said...

I always loved those stories about people getting into fights with vending machines and losing. Imagine getting pressed flat under one just because it gave you a coke and no cup. An ignominious end indeed.

Beach Bum said...

TOLD YOU IT WAS A MONSTER VENDING MACHINE

It must have been a Decepticon, someone should alert Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots. Hell, someone at least call Megan Fox, please!

Distributorcap said...

dont buy from vending machines - the stuff is so old anyway

Nunly said...

My oldest brother had a summer job loading vending machines and after he told me about the wormy candy bars, I never bought anything from a machine again. Besides, aren't vending machines the work of the devil or something? I think I saw that in the Bible. ;-)

anita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Randal Graves said...

SWA, I see you've conveniently forgotten about my rampaging horde of zombies. They take care of the corpses, Billy Mays cleaning products takes care of the rest.

susan, I won't lie, I was hoping for an outcome worthy of the Darwin Awards, but alas, the fool lives to purchase another day, assuming he can figure out how to operate the thing.

BB, you just want Miss Fox to meet more than your eye.

dcap, so it's like buying Babs the Impaler? Yikes.

nunly, oh, everything good is the work of the devil according to that crazy book. ;-)

Dr. Zaius said...

This is only the first step in the vending machine plan for world domination! (Use exact change.)