Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Doppelgangers from Outer Inner Space

Given that I'm not going to be at work for the next two days -- motherfucking hell yes praise Cthulhu with riffery, boobs and booze -- I'm having an extremely tumultuous noodle battle over posting. The half of me that wishes to put no effort into them is upset that the other half that wishes to put negative effort into them via empty electric hellfire club goateed templates currently has the upper hand and I'm no good at poker, "that's what she said," go to hell you old bastard. At least the weeds have been disinterred and the grass has been slashed and fuck I even did the goddamn laundry. Including the folding. Domesticated is sexy. C'mon ladies, back me up here.

Speaking of the weeds --

"Lemme guess. You're going to post a picture of your favorite dealer now."


Tell me a story, Mary Louise, pretty, pretty please.

"Finish yours first, lazy dreamer."

-- the front lawn was pockmarked with these devilish little buggers that looked suspiciously like marijuana if one had just taken a long drag of marijuana. Being an enemy of the sun, whose malice is directed towards me in spades and the other three suits as well, I said to myself under the influence of a nefarious tractor beam of light, 'you're a fan of medicine,' so 1)I smoked one whereby
2)I got a monstrous migraine and then 3)projectile vomited.

Only one of those three things actually happened. Guess which one and win a year's supply of projectile vomit. Hang on, I'm involuntarily imagining that the sometimes-better-half is chastising me for something that I cannot audibly discern through the torrential scowling. Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there dear. No, not tonight dear, I have to think naughty thoughts about you-don't-know-who a headache.

No one wants the prize? Fine. You all get the prize:

That'll learn ya, smartasses.


Demeur said...

Whenever I visit here I always feel like I've fallen into the rabbit hole of your mind. Gee and I didn't have to take a red or blue pill to get here either.

Holte Ender said...

I'll have what he's having.

Übermilf said...

first you get women all excited with your lurid tales of laundry folding, then you bring us crashing down with those last three pictures.

you suck, randal.

sunshine said...

Domestication is tres sex-eh! Laura loves it! ;)
And I know it's me that you're having naughty thoughts about. That's cool with me. ;) I hate to think of what's become of the picture of me and my Super Nintendo. Used for disgusting purposes no doubt.

Evil Spock is way sexier than Good Spock. Although, Evil Spock wouldn't put up with my bullshit for 2 seconds.

I'm not sure I like my "prize". I guess if I have to choose one it would be the fat fuck in the middle. He looks easy to kill. :)
Ciao for Niao!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

If you are going to smoke your goddamn lawn, you at least owe us pictures, if not, um, clippings..



Randal Graves said...

demeur, just say no to drugs.

holte, now what did I just say?

This place is crawling with the counterculture.

übermilf, I'm sorry you feel that way, especially since I fold sexfully, but no one chose, so you all pay the price.

sunshine, you make it sound like I'm some deviant perv. Telling the truth isn't healthy, but you guys have good health care.

Be wary, the Pill-Popping Pederast can severely wound with his deadly exploding ass cyst attack.

tengrain, you bastard, you know I'm poor and therefore don't own a digital camera and have you seen the price of Polaroid film these days? Maybe I should start selling weeds.

mandt said...

What's Ahnald smoking? And does that T-shirt say "Zero Uno?"

Lisa said...

What a colorful rainbow they don't make.

mandt said...

Ps. And oh, does that last trilogy refer to the three little (sic) P----oh, never mind. I get it.

Christopher said...


I love the trio pic of birther loons!

You really have to wonder what it is going to take to shut these clowns up once and for all? They yap, and yap, and yap, and apparently, it matters not one iota that what they're saying is factually wrong -- a certain segment of society laps it up and can't get enough of their village crazy.

okjimm said...

mowing the lawn and folding laundry.....dude! Do you listen to death-metal-angst rock while engaging in such domesticity?

Now I gotza go out and drink me some tequila..... you were my hero and now I find out you fold socks!!!

oh, the horror, the shame, the ignomitity, the Downey! the Tide!

say it ain't so, joe!

(of course I would fold socks if I owned any)

Ricky Shambles said...

Working from a home office has that benefit of lack of boundaries and the need to wash the dishes on lunch.

And that image - my mind will be in a constant state of projectile vomiting for the next 3 hours. Thanks.

Beach Bum said...

"torrential scowling"?
I feel your pain dude! I try and tell my wife that such a facial position will eventual freeze on her to the point that not even botox will help the situation.

And laundry as well, sometimes I wish we could go back to at least one segment of the Good Old Days down here in thee South and only do laundry on Saturdays. I often feel the stuff has to be reproducing like mold since the pile never really goes away.

Saturday night laundry though should not to be confused with an even earlier segment of Southern life of only taking a bath on Saturday night. Electricity and indoor plumbing took care of that issue.

themom said...

I'm sorry, I feel the prize of projectile vomit is just tooo good for these pricks. Passage on whatever new Titanic is being built - is more appropriate. Now as to the lawn...I'll help you smoke the infestation away if you need help!

Tom Harper said...

That picture at the bottom: I'd call them the Three Stooges, but that would be a huge insult to Moe, Larry and Curly.

sunshine said...

Maybe the gam shot was to bring out your inner "Evil Spock".
Guess it worked. ;)

La Belette Rouge said...

To your last picture I say:Sees evil. Speaks evil. Smiles like a simpering baboon.

S.W. anderson said...

If you're going to smoke something from off the ground, Randal, go looking for it at the curb and gutter. There's bound to be a used but still serviceable Marlboro or Kool butt out there. Grubby, sure, but probably less unhealthy than some anonymous, uncured lawn weed.

As for that last trio of mug shots, I'm thinking evilized, wrinkly variations on the Pillsbury Doughboy theme.

Liberality said...

Domesticated is sexy.


Utah Savage said...

Randal dear, I have a tiny morsel for you at my place. Why? You ask why? The girls seem to understand why and some even make claims to know....

Mauigirl said...

Even Evil Spock was a man of honor, if you are you, Randal!

I have to confess I once tried smoking catnip - it worked for the cat, why not for me? Sadly, it had no effect.

susan said...

You just reminded me of the 'wheat' crop we had growing in our back yard. The front yard had mushrooms that made a delightful compliment to the bread we smoked.

As for those clowns.. When I heard about 'birthers' I thought they were just anti-abortion fanatics. How could anyone in their right mind... never mind.

Dr. Zaius said...

As a prize, I have a feeling that a year's supply of projectile vomit is probably highly overrated.

Randal Graves said...

mandt, Ahnold is smoking all of California's loot!

lisa, Someday they'll find it
The Wingnut Connection
The birthers, the pillpoppers and Beckie

christopher, what really pisses me off is that I can't use the phrase "they're acting like children" any longer because that's an insult to every child that I've ever met.

okjimm, death metal is very mellowing. Imagine folding laundry to Manilow, I'd end up going on a three-state killing spree.

ricky, sorry about that, but that's the price of working at home, you have to clean up the projectile vomit yourself.

BB, I try to do at least one load every few days so I don't end up doing it all on Sunday or Monday. Now, how close are you guys to the ocean? Free baths!

themom, if you don't mind the projectile vomiting, toke all you wish! (I wonder if I can market this as an environmentally-friendly way to eliminate weeds.)

tom, sir, I'm going to pretend that you didn't even mention such blasphemy. RIP, Mighty Stooges. Amen.

sunshine, I don't have pointy ears, though, nor a bowl chop. But I like Star Trek, so that should compensate.

LBR, The International Society of Baboons called and is demanding an apology.

SWA, hell, if that's the case, I can go next door to the bowling alley's parking lot. Probably a few half-empty cans of Busch, too.

liberality, now I feel both hunky and dory.

utah, whatever anyone said is a dirty lie. But I'll take the free food.

mauigirl, that doesn't bode well for a pot-smoking cat; they might be stoned for months on end.

susan, please, do not try and understand them without hallucinogens.

dr. zaius, yes, the '84 Reagan was much heartier.

Dean Wormer said...

Maryjane is bad for you, randal. Especially if you lose your screen and are sucking in burning ashes or are on a diet that doesn't include potato chips.

Randal Graves said...

This bag is empty so I think you stole my chips.