Saturday, July 25, 2009

You're special

You're so special you could be a Presidents Day sale hawking leprosy with success. And unique. You're so unique, you could be one of those porcelain dolls on HSN that old ladies waste their "fixed income" on. My income ain't going up either, bluehair, but you don't see me buying worthless dust collectors. And exceptional. You're so exceptional, you jump rope with loopholes and never trip due to your superhero dexterity. And uncommon. You're so uncommon, the genius love children of Newton and Ptolemy are as ubiquitous and welcome as the mosquito in August, so smash them, smash them with your specially unique and uncommon exceptionalism!

This unworthy pond scum completely understands that the burden of being a special, uncommon, uniquely exceptional paragon of extraordinaryosity would keep you, enlightened and unparalleled guru of singularity, from brushing your fucking teeth.

But as for the rest of you?

Second fellow public transportationista? Brush your fucking teeth.

Old patron? Brush your fucking teeth you should know better.

Young patron? Brush your fucking teeth and get off my lawn.

Seriously, there's gotta be some TARP scratch left over to buy 300 million toothbrushes and tubes of Crest to curb this ever-widening tide of plaque and halitosis that will surely kill us all before the zombie apocalypse even has a chance of biting into one measly skull. That would be extraordinary. Perhaps, in time, even special.

Goldman Sachs just ate the rest?

Fine. Enjoy your new smile, smelly fuck.

If you need me, I'll be vomiting in the corner.


Christopher said...


That picture made me throw up a little in my mouth. So wrong.

Speaking of leprosy, CNN's Lou Dobbs, who was finally forced by his boss, Jon Klein, to stop pushing the birther bullshit, is back to blaming the Mexicans for bringing leprosy into the USA.

Dobbs needs a good ass whopping followed by a pink slip. I hear FIXED Noise is always ready to hire CNN's leftovers.

sunshine said...

Oh Randal. That's horrible. I just sucked back a "Big Mac" and now I don't feel so hot.
You are too good at describing things my friend. (because it couldn't be the Big Mac making me sick.. oh no!)
I seriously don't know why some people refuse to keep groomed. Even the basics such as brushing ones teeth seems to be a chore for some. I mean really. Are we THAT lazy??
Ewwwww! I can still see the picture.

P.S. I thought you loved my sap! It's soooo sweet! ;p

Tom Harper said...

Hey, how'd you get ahold of my photo (the bottom one of course). I didn't know my picture was on the Internet. At least you got my good side.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, a beautiful smile, no?

Funny you should mention that as I didn't see this coming, of course not, nosireebob.

sunshine, don't worry, according to the site where I swiped that shot, it's from too much meth, which I don't believe is an ingredient in a Big Mac. The apple pie, maybe.

You'd also be surprised how many dudes feel that cologne for Right Guard is an equal exchange.

As for sap, do I get pancakes with that?

Randal Graves said...

tom, you must be a big hit at parties.

Moxie said...

I recommend the tartar control chews.

Also, no matter how difficult it is to resist, one mustn't actually eat rotting meat or another animal's leavings. Not even your own!

Sniffing is okay, though.

Utah Savage said...

You stole my dental records you bastard!

susan said...

Now I might have to put off eating dinner for at least another hour while I recover.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

The Queen has a lovely smile, don't defame your betters.



themom said...

GROSSSSSSS! What a great way to start my morning, thanks bunches! LOL

spyderkl said...

Hi Randal.

I think I should have had some coffee before I read that. I definitely should have had some coffee before I saw that picture. *shudder* Off to fix that.

sunshine said...

Believe me, I'm not suprised about the cologne for Right Guard thing.
People are pigs!

Now, about those pancakes and sap. I'll provide those if you bring the sausage. Tee Hee.

Snave said...

Scheise... what a horrorshow picture...

That guy has had too much coffee, has smoked too many cigarettes, and has probably done too much meth during his life. And all without the aid of a toothbrush!

So there! See what a worthless tool a toothbrush is?

Now that I know what I can accomplish by not brushing, which I still haven't done today, I think I will not brush today or tomorrow or next week and see what happens.

Can you smell the breath of Cthulhu yet?

Beach Bum said...

Randal you have surely lost your marbles. If you expect the highly educated financial suits responsible for the meltdown of the economy to surrender one cent of taxpayer dollars for any socialistic nonsense like toothbrushes much less actual health care for those who can't see a doctor or a dentist I have a bridge on eBay to sell.

Those paragons of greed, gluttony, sloth, lust, and capitalistic over indulgence have factories to move out of the country, their sixth or seventh house to buy, and absolutely have to but that seventy foot yacht so their twenty-something trophy wives won't be embarrassed to have to sunbath on that dinky forty footer.

We have to get our priorities in a proper order.

Mauigirl said...

Randal....eeeewwwww. Such a yucky picture, where do you get these things!

Kvatch said...

Well that last picture certainly ruined my evening. ;-)

I think I need to go and floss now.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, hie thee to an Army surplus store. Pick up a gas mask. Wear the mask when you ride the wheelie bus.

If anyone asks what the mask is for, whip out a printout of that toxic toothscape, noting there are riders aboard whose breath smells like that photo looks. The pass the photo around.

Couldn't hurt, might help.

Liberality said...

I second this commandment. It's not so damn hard to brush your teeth. And that picture, shudder, if that doesn't convince them, NOTHING will!

Randal Graves said...

moxie, do they still make liver snaps?

utah, don't worry, healthy universalism will soon be giving you teeth of gold! Of course, that will be at the expense of the F-22, so I hope you enjoy your meals knowing that the Axle of Evil is plotting against your plate.

susan, if you smash the corn into a fine paste, you can have all the meth you want.

tengrain, I came to this country for dental freedom, you Tory bastard!

themom, anything to promote dry heaving.

spyderkl, adding some whiskey to your beans will help.

sunshine, there's a batter-dipped sausage joke in here, but I'm too much of a gentleman.

snave, imagine how often you'd get your way in line at the grocery store, the bank, the movie theatre.

BB, sniff, that was beautiful. You should run for office. God Bless America.

mauigirl, ancient Chinese secret.

kvatch, don't forget the swig of Listerine!

SWA, that's not a bad idea, especially the part concerning the gas mask, given that I fully expect toxic retaliation.

liberality, we ARE talking about Americans. If there's a lazier nation, I haven't heard of it.

Hill said...

Can I say fucking yucky here on your blog?

Thank you.

Well, not for the picture, but for allowing me to express my reaction to it....


Randal Graves said...

You can say whatever the fuck you want, as long as it's not clean.

Dr. Zaius said...

When did your blog become a PSA? I mean, a really, really gross PSA?

Randal Graves said...

Hey, unlike some lobotomizing primates, I care about everyone.

mandt said...

Does she brush her hair with the same brush?

Dr. Zaius said...