Once again, a Cleveland sports team's final game is a loss. Old habits don't merely die hard, they are immortal like that dude from Transylvania. Anyone got a fucking stake? Oh well, pass the booze instead. When does football season start? But on the bright side, we actually didn't trade our first round pick this year for Jiri Welsch, a future conditional second rounder, a hoagie and a six-pack.
Boston vs. Detroit: The brutal, defensive-minded basketball you saw in the Cavs-Celtics series isn't going away. Neither of these teams starting five is relentlessly athletic like the Nuggets (they're not a collection on knuckleheads like them, either) -- the price to be paid when you're on the wrong side of 30 -- so expect a bunch of epic, 82-79 Somme-esque clashes. But one of these teams has proven that it can win on the road. The other hasn't. Can you guess which one? Pistons in six.
L.A. Lakers vs. San Antonio: The defending champs gutted out a victory against The Man Who Dare Not Be Fouled. I don't know how many times I watched both LeBron James and Paul Pierce go into the paint and get hacked, all to the tune of tra-la-la-la I swallowed my whistle. The refereeing across the entire hardwood landscape has been bizarre. Witness The Fucking Lakers shooting about 752 more free throws a game than the Jazz. Didn't help that Carlos the Traitor never showed up. Pau Gasol, unlike Tyson Chandler, cannot guard Tim Duncan. Pau Gasol, unlike Tyson Chandler, has an NBA-quality offensive game. These teams, like nearly all the second round matchups, are evenly matched. The Fucking Lakers get one more home game. La -- must. not. type. oh. the. pain. -- kers in seven.