Saturday, August 8, 2009

Ace of Spades

I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm busy mulling over lucrative offers from both Blackwater Xe and the Obama Administration. Both have their pros and cons, so perhaps you all can help me choose:

Blackwater Xe: sure, their contracts are ostensibly being phased out, and it's now millions instead of billions, but that's still prime taxpayer scratch. Plus good work never goes unnoticed by the next federally-employed wetwork outfit.
Hussein X Death Panel: it's a civil service job. 'nuff said.
EDGE: Blackwater Xe

Blackwater Xe: the blistering heat of Iraq.
Hussein X Death Panel: the blistering heat of DC in the summer.
EDGE: a wash.

Blackwater Xe: Handiwipes to get rid of the spattered blood and entrails of your victims.
Hussein X Death Panel: Cold cut tray in the green room.
EDGE: Hussein X Death Panel.

Playing the grim reaper:
Blackwater Xe: a thousand rounds shattering flesh and bone, blazing powder burns and screams over in mere seconds.
Hussein X Death Panel: the megalomaniacal thrill of mixing it up in a twisted mélange of Blofeld, Heydrich and Drs. Evil and Doom.
EDGE: Hussein X Death Panel, by the skin of my nose.

THE WINNER: Seems like a no-brainer to me. Oh, secretary? Ring up the Carebear. Tell him to deal me in.


themom said...

I just hate when decisions that have to be made are that close! I think you have chosen well here. Downside - the heat is everywhere!

Übermilf said...

Whose pleas for mercy would be the most amusing to watch and the most satisfying to deny? Did you consider that?

Dr. Zaius said...

Do they serve cake? Or ice cream? You should consider these important points first.

Randal Graves said...

themom, true, but DC has AC, whereas in Iraq, I might get electrocuted when I turn it on.

übermilf, I consider that on a daily basis, thus, was an unspoken component of I'm the Grim Reaper Goo Goo Gajoob.

dr. zaius, if I eat too much cake and ice cream, I'll get expensive diseases then I'll have to appear before the Death Panel then I'll have to condemn myself and that would be suicide and I like me which is why I stick with healthy foods like stacks of hot buttered pancakes and wheelbarrows full of sausage links. And maple syrup.

Mauigirl said...

Decisions, decisions! Glad you are looking at this all logically and made the right one.

Mauigirl said...

Decisions, decisions! Glad you are looking at this all logically and made the right one.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You never considered uniforms.

Xe easily wins, hands down in this category. In your camo, you'll make Tatum Channing look like a Ken Doll.

The Carebear would have you in a blue suit with a red tie. And Florsheims. The horror, the horror.

You can thank me for saving you from the Heart of Darkness later.



Anonymous said...

Had it been me, I'd have flipped a coin and let God decide. He's on the side of truth, justice and the American way. oh, no, that's Superman. retract the above and resume your normal broadcasting.

Christopher said...

The GOP and the insurance lobby is hiring rightwing mob participants to disrupt healthcare meetings.

Probably pays $6 an hour and no benefits.

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

Call it the army influence in me but I have always been partial to napalm and high explosives. Throw in a couple of thousand rounds of .50 caliber and a Barrett sniper rifle and let the fun begin.

susan said...

It won't be long til Bxxxxxxx Xe is contracting back in the good ole USSA so maybe you should reconsider that offer. Back in the USSR, you don't know how lucky you are, Boiee..

Holte Ender said...

When a decision of this magnitude is being made, you should ask Lemmy.

Randal Graves said...

mauigirl, I hope so. Murder should be taken seriously, dammit.

tengrain, you bastard, since I never put any thought into fashion, I never put any thought into fashion. You just might have saved me from neckties, Colombian or otherwise. Next round's on me.

sherry, Superman? C'mon, like I'd ask him over Batman or Wolverine.

christopher, and you have to supply your own posters, cheap bastards.

BB, a sniper rifle? That would entail not moving for vast amounts of time. Even when couch potatoing I have to move to reach my drink.

susan, then I can crusade against my fellow countrymen. The Fourth never did have a proper sequel.

holte, that's a good point. This is the Word of the Lord. Praise be to Lemmy.

Utah Savage said...

I bet the Hussein X Death Panel its own private chef. Cake, check. Ice-cream, check. That kind of tips the scales doesn't it?

Utah Savage said...

Oh my, I've been calling the wrong man "you bastard!" It's really Tengrain!

Distributorcap said...

hey where are the jobs???

Tom Harper said...

Both of those jobs sound so tempting. Torturing and killing a bunch of swarthy Arabs, or mixing poisons to kill off some useless elderly people...

Damn! What to do. Could I take both jobs?

S.W. Anderson said...

Maybe I missed, something, Randal, but I don't see you actually killing people. Maybe welding the doors shut on a wheelie bus, trapping some malodorous regular riders so they're forced to steep in their own stench until dangerously dehydrated from barfing. But not spraying a crowd of Mideast attitude cases with hot lead.

Despite occasional flights of demonic fantasy, you've got your humanitarian side, right? I mean, your annoying neighbor is still alive and in one piece, right?

Randal Graves said...

utah, it's only a death panel, nothing as important as a professional lobbyist. They're the ones who get wined and dined, not the run-of-the-mill federal employee.

dcap, India.

tom, multitasking is so passé. Specialize, man!

SWA, that's part of the reason I went with the Death Panel; I don't actually have to pull the trigger, I can merely tilt my chair back and laugh while petting my white cat.

Oh, the redneck is still alive. I'm no good at coming up with alibis and I don't think they permit DVDs in the slammer.

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