Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cthulhu Bless America

Since we, the luckiest one percent of the one percent of all humans that have existed since The Lord God Smiter Of Heathen Nations first created Adam and his BBQ rib six millennia ago, are blessed to inhabit the Greatest Nation That Has Ever And Will Ever Exist And If You Disagree Unka Dick Will Come Out Of The REAL Undisclosed Location And Shoot You In The Face And Then Eat The Face Including The Buckshot Think Of It As Roughage Even Satan's Toady Wants To Be Regular, I felt it would behoove me to gallop through a celebratory list spurring on a frank and bean discussion of American Greatness and you can take that straight from the horse's mouth.

"What's with the cowboy theme? What happened to cosmic tentacles?"

You got a problem with that, pilgrim pinko?

1. Before I get started, I'd like to voice a mild public transportationista complaint. Years ago, when a driver employed by the Greater Cleveland RTA didn't show up for work for whatever reason -- sickness, oversleeping, broken alarm clock, hangover, post-freebase crash -- he or she was replaced for the day and ridership remained in sweet harmonic convergence with the road. Nowadays, that bus simply disappears off the map and you must wait for the next one. And to add insult to wounding, the fare is going up in the fall. Again.

"I hate to tell you, but it doesn't get much more American than that."

Increasingly crappy service with price hikes for the customer in this secular sleight-of-hand that will never get an influx of taxpayer cash because, well, duh, and therefore, Goldman Sachs, in its righteous indignation, would then unleash its extra-secret time machine in order to go back and purchase all of the stock actually worth anything these days before installing Barack Hussein Obama X, Thirteenth Baron of Kenya, as their Puppet King of this island earth and forcing us to round up the elderly for 1)utilizing their bodily fluids in a miracle program of unwashed mass mind control which could only lead to 2)post-haste soylent green production to fill warehouses with MREs ready to supply the soldiers of the as-yet-unannounced next war against tyrannical Tyrannosaurus tyranny?

"You bet."


2. Go fuck yourself, candy ass Norwegians. You think you've got the market cornered on fuzzy little bunny-destroying black metal? When's the last time you raped and pillaged and plundered, 1066?

Walk the talk. 2003, motherfuckers.

Frosty, rapid fire riffs, hammered downshift bludgeoning, brillo pad vocals.
'Tis a beautiful thing, sniff. Let's go kill something!

"You know no one will listen to that racket."

Are you now or have you ever been a discothequer?


3. Speaking of killing something, I will grudgingly admit to some disappointment in my fellow Real Americans®. Concerning all these health care town halls, pointing and shouting and heckling and moranizing as if you were in the front row at a Larry the Cable Guy show is fine and jim dandy, but if you truly want to get your point across,

make it hollow. Don't be like those Norwegians, and remember, guns don't kill people, health care kills people.

Except my Medicare!

That's right, gramps!


4. No, don't let me interrupt your flopping.

"But you like soccer."

Excusez-moi, effete Old European? I'll go through you like I go through goddamn coworkers.

Now that's a Man's sport, steroid flex, bulging head, myriad heath problems, disfigured flesh, death. Speaking of manly men of manliness (except for the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns), it's fantasy football time, you betcha. Send me an email and in return you receive the league ID and password, the key to future gridiron glory. The cheesehead must be dethroned!

Oh, go us and such.


Ricky Shambles said...

USA! USA! is right. Hell yeahs.

And that damned RTA. I remember when I was in high school this one kid constantly saying "RTA: For lesbos and gays." He came out of the closet in college.

Dusty said...

Isn't it sad to know that America has idiots that don't realize that Medicare is socialistic medicine? Fucking fuckwits can kiss my fucking hairy ass!

Such a post Randal..and I did not get your email kind sir..

Please resend it as the Email God ate the bitch for breakfast.

Übermilf said...

I can't help myself... I really, really like Larry Tate, office linebacker.

Randal Graves said...

ricky, funny how the most virulent homophobes end up either coming out of the closet or run for office as a Republican.

dusty, sadly, America specializes in idiocy. And I just sent the email again. If you don't get it, snail mail!

übermilf, and you shouldn't because it's stupid, but so do I. Maybe there's a 12-stepper for it.

Holte Ender said...

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer says hi.

Christopher said...

Between the Birthers and the anti-national healthcare loons, I'm beginning to think the USA really has reached the twilight of its existence and very likely won't be around in its current form in another 25 years.

I posted a Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator yesterday so we can all join President Obama and be happy Kenyans together.

Who wants to be an American by right of birth when you can be a Kenyan by right of kook?

sunshine said...

Perhaps I'll forego the Cat-o-nine tails and just keep Terry Tate (is it Terry or Larry??) in my employment. I would love to see a-holes taken down in such a demeaning manner!

Love the picture of the old man at the Town Hall health care debate. Of course it's from Fox news.

I only last 1min 46 seconds into the 'Death Metal'. It sounds too much like what's already going on in my head for me to truly enjoy. (oh yeah, we Canadian's are BADASSES!! Mmmm hmmm)

My mild transportation complaint for the day is that in our town, they are getting rid of about one third of the stops. So much for convience! Old people, handicapped, people with small children, go fuck yourselves. You'll need to walk a couple of extra blocks to catch a ride.

OMG.. I just looked out my back window and Cheech is running around like a maniac! He's soooooo cute!!! (I mean, when he's not biting someones hand off. )

Ciao For Niao!!

Liberality said...

It is no surprise to me that our propaganda media darlings, who are just doing it for the $ ya know, can convince at least 30% of the people in this country that socialized anything is scary, very scary, and unamererican too.

I have to listen to discordant music at very low volume until I can adjust to its' chaos. And I thought I was ate up with the music!

themom said...

I expect that Palin person to show up shouting at "a town hall near you" in the future. No socialization for her - she will take your medicare, health care and underwear. What a bunch of cretins.

Randal Graves said...

holte, you tell that bastard not to eat all the lutefisk.

christopher, oh, there's always room for improvement. I think we can do much worse as a nation. Aim for the abyss!

sunshine, life sure would be easier if each of us had our own Terry Tate.

1:46? I'm impressed. Canada has some stamina, unless you wuss Murkans.

We magically have billions for blowing the fuck out of people and bailing out legalized thuggery, but public transportation is a waste of money. I can afford the fare hike (doesn't mean I won't bitch), and I'm on a line that isn't getting cut, but others aren't so lucky.

See, you don't need a linebacker, you have a crazy dog!

liberality, if the media weren't the M/I C puppets, the Stewart/Kristol exchange would've gotten far more commentary.

I'm glad you enjoyed the easy listening!

themom, but I need my underwear. Gotta have something to take off when stripping for health care dollars.

Beach Bum said...

I say we all head up to Sunshine's house and escape the coming Second American Civil War and Suicide Attempt and pile in on her and Seb.

S.W. Anderson said...

I hear faint echoes of Charlie, who long ago refused to pay a fare increase on Boston's MTA. He rode forever 'neath the streets of Boston; he's the man who never returned.

There's a better approach. Maybe you, Randal, could buy a surplus bus somewhere and start your own better service for the people. You could be the Jet Blue of city bus lines, putting the existing one out of business.

Hey, you could even have first-class seating for those who pay more and bother with hygiene. They get intact upholstery, piped-in heavy-metal rock, trays of crepes de Alpo and mini cups of cafe au latex.

The riff-raff go to the back, where you spin them to with well-timed jackrabbit starts. Rear seating would be beneath a sprinkler system rigged to douse riders with a mist of Mitchum every few minutes.

MRMacrum said...

It only seems fair to raise the bus fare. Supply and demand. Cut buses and jack up the prices. OPEC has taught the USA well.

Fantasy football? Yeah I guess that's about all you got in Cleveland now. Beats a blank I guess.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Don't you realize that in the real America, patriots drive Hummers? Even down to the corner store to buy some smokes. Even down to the mailbox at the end of the driveway.

Bus service, indeed.

If we have done nothing since the Reagan years, it is to prove that there is not enough profit in anything to continue to make a product or to offer a service. We'll be living in mud huts before you know it, when the corporations finally complete the Ultimate Solution and by law own us. You won't be a resident of Cleveland (hahahaha), you'll be a serf of Sherwin-Williams until they kill you.



Tom Harper said...

Public transportation, ain't it great? I remember that same shit from my bus-riding days. A driver doesn't show up for work one day and Golden Gate Transit goes into a tailspin. Reduced service at higher prices -- been there, done that.

My favorite memories were when the air conditioner broke down, always when it's 110 degrees outside. And you couldn't open the windows in those modern new improved buses.

Ah, nostalgia.

sunshine said...

Beach Bum's right. I AM fixing up that shitty spare room downstairs.
Hmmmm... I'll knock out a few walls..... pull out a few dresser drawers for children to sleep in... buy some extra towels.... get a KFC Family meal or two and Voila!
All your problems solved. :)
Hehehe.... I'll start making up your Health Cards tonght. Free Health Care for all!!!!

Utah Savage said...

Sunshine, you think you're joking. We will be stanpeding north as soon as healthcare reform fails and then the economy really hits the skids.

And for all the rest of it--What Tengrain said, you bastard.

Oh, and I have a favor to ask. Wouldn't you know it? I've written my first query letter. First draft and fully editable. Not edible mind you, but since you are so very smart and a writer and all I thought you might take a look for me. I'll owe you something. Maybe stop referring to you as Randal you bastard.

susan said...

In spite of raising the price of postage every other week now the Post Master General wants to close 600 post offices and cut deliveries to 5 days a week. Then how will we get our Netflix on time?

I made it 35 seconds into the death metal.. see? I'm getting better :-)

okjimm said...

Dude..per the football... my Ringer graduated and he is really hunkering, hankering to leave the CheeseBurger State of Grace....without him I am shit-toast. We should have it figured out soon.

Randal Graves said...

BB, that's a good idea, plus just think of all that free health care and Canadian bacon.

SWA, your plans often sound like too much work, and frankly, aren't very American. How about I get someone else to do all the work while I reap the profits of such a lucrative enterprise?

mrmacrum, I think Saudi Arabia bought a stake in the bus line. And that was a low blow. With a few a whopping five games.

tengrain, hahahaha all you want, minion of Ahnold, for while you all are still destroying your state via another round of ludicrous, out-of-state-funded ballot initiatives, I'll be escaping reality by getting high through sniffing cans of paint. Advantage: Randal.

tom, ha ha, completely forgot about the rarely-opening windows. Those are the days when the bus truly has a Dantesque odor.

sunshine, I'll bring my SNES games!

utah, Randal the bastard doesn't bother me, but what does is the fact that you think I have the chops to help you with that letter. I will take a look, however. Of course, if you become rich and famous, I want a cut.

susan, it's black metal. Not the same thing. Don't overlook the nuance. ;-)

There are about a dozen or so slated to get chopped in our county. Maybe the USPS can ask Wall Street for a bailout. The mail is too big to fail. Catchy, no?

okjimm, then it would be sweet justice for you to sign up anyway so we can have a few cheap wins. I'm still bitter about the fact that my entire team was on the road in that title game, grumble, etc.

Dean Wormer said...

It's funny that rates continue to go up even though wages and service remains stagnant or is declining. Not to mention the price of gasoline is nowhere where it was last year.

Where does the money go? Hmmm?

Randal Graves said...

I could tell you, but then Wall Street would have to kill you.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I have no rebuttal.

Cleveland you say?



Randal Graves said...

Once again, unnatural highs win the day.

Dr. Zaius said...

I am saving my cosmic tentacles for the weekend, thank you very much.

Distributorcap said...

i think you lost me

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