Saturday, April 17, 2010

Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future

Wait 'til next year, a Cleveland tradition since 1965.

Really? All of us? Even that one guy who sucks?

Oh, alright, fuck tradition.

Cleveland vs. Chicago:
I know, I know, the Clash of les cheveux is quite compelling intrigue, but don't you think Mr. James has forged the last year out of crystal, a clarity of such exquisiteness that verily we all blindeth shall be? 38-8-8 is great, and it rhymes, too, but even the best need a hand (in the face of a wing) or a made three (cough, Mo Williams, cough) or it's 38-8-8 and a series loss. I'd wager they got the message. Cavs in five.

Boston vs. Miami: Grumpy Old Men meet the Lone Ranger. Contrary to certain segments of the philosophical community and wackadoo Buddhists, more is more. Celtics in seven.

Orlando vs. Charlotte: The team with the most generic aesthetics (I guess Wildcats was taken) in the entire NBA are a veritable hornets (how ironically ironic!) nest on defense. On the downside, especially if you're a certain ex-baller with a flaccid executive record and a penchant for gambling, Dwight Howard is 75 feet tall. Imagine how frightening he'd be if he had a bit of the Hakeem sang froid assassin flair. Magic in five.

Atlanta vs. Milwaukee: The Hawks are the new Bucks, vintage 1980s, a fantastic team destined to never take the floor 'round the summer solstice. Lack of Vegemite hurts the upset chances, though. Hawks in six.

The Fucking Lakers vs. Oklahoma City: Please go Kissinger and LeMay, Scoring Champ Kevin Durant, and bomb my prognostication into the stone age, pretty please? The Fucking Lakers in six.

Denver vs. Utah: Kenyon Martin is hurt. So is Carlos the Traitor (and their commie defensive wiz) but the former is hurt worse, though two is greater than one, conundrums, conundrums. Wait, Deron Williams is a motherfucking mofo. Plus they've got Magic Underpants Nation in their corner and who dare draw the blade against that army of wives? Jazz in six. Maybe.

Dallas vs. San Antonio: Riverwalk is a bit healthier this time around (thank you, socialized medicine!), the existence of Dajuan Blair means The Big Fundamental doesn't have to play 48 minutes on one leg, Richard Jefferson is a useful pieces-part at last (Popovich is the real Zen Master) and believe you me, Dallas won a lot of close games against a convoy of scrubs, so don't buy the second seed too much. Spurs in six.

Phoenix vs. Portland: Poor Rip City. Oden, Przybilla, myriad other nicks and cuts and tears and now their best player's meniscus is on the couch stuffing its face with Funyons. The fact that Amare is surprisingly interested for once (gee, must be a contract year) doesn't help matters. Suns in six.


Holte Ender said...

The team with the most Lebron James' will win it all.

sunshine said...

Yawn... huh?
Oh! Hello!
Have you finished speaking about sports??
I'm thinking perhaps if Usher wrote and sang some kind of inspirational song for the team, they'd have a great shot!

Onto other news.. my jeans are officially "too big" for me now.. size 8 here I come!!!! :P


Übermilf said...

I thought 38-8-8 were Barbie's proportions.

David Barber said...

I don't know what you're on about. United just won the Manchester derby, so I'm happy!

Randal Graves said...

holte, that's what we thought last year.

sunshine, if Usher wrote an inspirational song for the team, I would vomit in disgust.

Yeah, yeah, size 8, great, where are the cheesecake shots, dammit?

übermilf, zing!

david, I had to follow the sucker online. What the hell, a goal with, what, five seconds left before the whistle?

David Barber said...

Randal, who do you use to watch it online. I'm just watching Spurs v Chelsea on It's a great picture but every now and again it stops to catch up with itself. Worth a look though. :-)

Demeur said...

The Cavs will never win. That town doesn't have enough money to pay off the refs.

Tom Harper said...

"A tradition since 1965." Sort of like that river near Cleveland that used to catch fire.

S.W. Anderson said...

Another photo featuring armpits — male armpits at that. I'm beginning to suspect posts on basketballery are cover for a fetish, Randal.

Christopher said...

Basketball was invented for fans unable or incapable of following MLB rules.

Dribble, dribble toss ball through the ring.


susan said...

What ever happened to tossing the caber? Now that's something you don't see much of anymore.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

So the question then remains: does Ray's run the concession stands? I'm so hopin' the answer is yes.



Beach Bum said...

Dwight Howard is 75 feet tall. Imagine how frightening he'd be if he had a bit of the Hakeem sang froid assassin flair.

From some damn story I found on the internet:
Before he was drafted in 2004, Howard said that he wanted to use his NBA career and Christian faith to "raise the name of God within the league and throughout the world".

Just play freaking basketball dude! Jesus doesn't know a foul shot from a three pointer.

Liberality said...

Well you got one thing right:

The fucking Lakers...

MRMacrum said...

Love Baseball. Lave Football. Would love to love Lacrosse if it was given it's due. But watching tall guys jump up and down has never done it for me. Add in the messiah complex most seem to have and I think I'd rather watch NASCAR.

No, that is a lie. I'd rather do anything other than watch NASCAR. Yes, even watch basketball. The Celtics I understand will run out of Geritol before they can win it all.

Randal Graves said...

david, I just followed the running commentary at the Guardian, but hell, if I can actually watch the sucker, I'm there. Thanks for the tip!

demeur, oh, but you forget about our lucrative cannibal receipts.

tom, hey now, we haven't had a fire there in a long time.

SWA, what's with all the hoops hate? You're all terrible.

christopher, seriously? When NL managers are lauded as Nobel Prize winners in Physics for having mastered the arcane art of the double switch?

"Strawberry! Hit a home run! I told him to do that."
"Brilliant strategy, sir."

susan, I'm still waiting for soccer to bring back kicking around human heads.

tengrain, come to Cleveland and find out! Our hot dogs are made with 100% pure Joakim Noah.

BB, oh yeah, once he stated that the NBA logo should replace Jerry West with a cross.

liberality, I knew you were a closet sports fan!

mrmacrum, NASCAR isn't a sport, nor is bowling, pool, darts both bar and lawn or golf, which is why we don't discuss such monstrosities in a sports post.

Dr. Zaius said...

I thought that there was going to be sandwiches served... Aw, shoot.

Snave said...

Blucccch! Funyons!

Karl Malone is my least-favorite NBA player of all time... and Amare Stoudamire is the New Karl Malone.

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