Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What is this puckery?

I know that's how a preponderance of you wankers feel when I post yet again about sports. Good. Embrace the pain, build some character.

The worst American side against one of the world's best, even if it'll be their B-team? We'll still need the A to stave off the ass-whuppin' bounty our pitied fools shall receive. But at least it'll provide a comic (perhaps not for this guy) palliative for post-semester decompression.

See, this is why I need photoshop, so I can show Mr. T firing one past Troy Perkins. The following will have to suffice. Je suis désolé.

Now, for the world's least in-depth Jimmy the Greeking, on the rocks:

Washington vs. Montreal: One team has Alexander Ovechkin and Mike Green and the other does not. Capitals in five.

Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa: One team has Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin and the other does not. Penguins in five.

New Jersey vs. Philadelphia: I don't trust Ilya. I do trust Martin. Devils in six.

As if you wouldn't vote for this guy over a career politician. Right.

Buffalo vs. Boston:
Watching the Bruins' offensive ineptitude this season, I was gently reminded of a local gridiron squadron. Oh, and the higher seed has Ryan Miller, he of the olympian Olympics. Sabres in six.

San Jose vs. Colorado: Californistan never chokes until the second round. Sharks in five.

Phoenix vs. Detroit: A clash between the inexplicable and the explicable. If the inexplicable wins, explain that. Red Wings in six.

Chicago vs. Nashville: Barry Trotz is a god. He simply doesn't have enough power at his disposal, his Sweet Zombie Jesus combating Chicago's Zeus. Ever see JC wield bolts of lightning? Blackhawks in five.

Vancouver vs. Los Angeles: If I had faith in Jonathan Quick, the young Kings would be the choice. Not that Robbie the Robot isn't likely to blow a circuit. Canucks in seven. I guess. I don't know.


Holte Ender said...

The American team with the most Canadians will win the Stanley Cup.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

When you talk to me about ice, I expect the phrase "Shaken, not stirred," to be uttered.



PS - Eat at Roy's!

La Belette Rouge said...

OMG. That guy's face. Was there a picture of what it looked like after?
Can I pick the wins for you?
Washington(because I was born there).
The Penguins(because they are cute).
New Jersey(because that is where Tony Soprano is from).
Boston(Boston is better).
San Jose(because that is where the software is from).
Detroit(because it is hot in Phoenix).
Chicago(for obvious reasons).
L.A.(for reasons I can't explain).

BDR said...

Heh, I'll giggle! And at least we're not being banished to FedEx like we were last year for the fucking Real Madrid game.

Shame they disabled the embed for the speedwalker vid.

Demeur said...

Oh good grief Randal I have enough problems keeping up with the baseball and football failures in Seattle Cleveland and Detroit. Now you expect me to keep up with this?

Oh hell maybe I will just eat at Ray's and get it over with.

David Barber said...

I thought yo were going to talk aout a real sport with you main photo. ;-)

You've said wanker twice today, one on my blog and now on yours. You seem to be getting angrier young man. Roll on 12th June.

okjimm said...

HOCKEY!!!! Aw, gimmee a break or gimmee a beer! Aw, shit&whiskers..... that stuff is worse than Death Metal RockRattle&Roll!

Eat At Ray's.

Otherwise have a good day!

Randal Graves said...

holte, that's not very patriotic of you. I'm reporting you to HUAC.

tengrain, Bond was suave, I am not. You've got some strange expectations, hippie.

LBR, how can you not root for Buffalo, a city perhaps less interesting than even here!

BDR, you all didn't have to stroll past a solid gold statue of Dan Snyder, did you?

demeur, if you're gonna go, go with a (cannibal) smile.

david, I love joga bonito, but hockey counts, you provincial wanker #3.

Why can't we play you guys in the knockout stage? Then we'd have a chance. ;-)

okjimm, you know you can't wait for the Stanley Cup to be liveblogged.

susan said...

I grew up in Canada. Have you ever seen a hockey player's smile?

Liberality said...

Oh, that picture! Oh, that poor guy's face! Oh my god, why am I not surprized by another post about sports? :D

Tom Harper said...

That top picture reminds me of the cover photo on Pantera's 2nd CD, "Vulgar Display of Power."

Übermilf said...

When did Nashville get a hockey team?

Beach Bum said...

You know Columbia,South Carolina has a hockey team, not that anyone ever goes but we do have one. Somehow we even have ice, which comes in handy when the players slide around hitting each other with the hockey sticks.

Randal Graves said...

susan, Canada isn't Colgate's strongest market.

liberality, I can do another post on death metal if you wish. ;-)

tom, what, their goofy and awful glam days don't count anymore? Revisionist historian!

übermilf, Nashville has had a hockey team as long as we've been at war with Eastasia.

BB, please tell me the team's nickname is the Sanfords.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I just learned San Jose has a hockey team. Why didn't you tell me?



PS - Eat at Ray's! - it's all the rage with the toothless set.

Dr. Zaius said...

I love the video! It's amazing how much more watchable Mr. T has become over the years. :o)