Friday, January 14, 2011

Driven to violence

Subscribing, like the state, to the newsletter of transparency, I've made it abundantly cellophane my disdain for this weekend's Mr. Slate. But, on an internet already shot with explosive commentary, don't expect me to drop any bombs, just bad syntax.

The Fucking Ravens @ The Fucking Steelers: 'tis nearly a cliche to ring like choosing between Stalin & Hitler, but since I enjoy trivializing things I have absolutely no control over, 'tis like choosing between Stalin & Hitler. Which makes the other AFC gig a choice between Pol Pot & Pinochet. Mano y mano steroidial sangfroid, post-whistle steel cage monkey wrenched skulls, rustbelt throwback grime & loss. If only I were more Serious™ huh. 'cause they're at the Big Ketchup, & what the L.C. Greenwood, in a '75 clothesline timewarp, The Fucking Steelers 16-10.

Green Bay @ Atlanta: The Packers are the superior team, please don't be a moron & buy into the long-discredited notion of records in close games being an arbiter of quality. That said, America's Worst Sporting Town isn't chopped cirrhosis. Special guest star James Starks as Timmy Smith is moot, if Aaron Rodgers stays upright & unconcussed. Packers 21-17.

Seattle @ Chicago: 'tis nearly another cliche to chime the 12th man's king(dome) in Seattle but since the upstarts begin this week's combat on the road, it ends peppered by Julius. Unless Mike Martz reverts to being Mike Martz (or Jay Cutler to being Jay Cutler), always a national security threat. He'll hold off for one more week -- see, America, Matt Forte doesn't suck, only his O-line does. Bears 27-13.

The Fucking Jets @ The Fucking Patriots: Know what annoys besides authority figures & having to deal with people so my nuclear doesn't starve to death shelterless, the unavoidable (outside of brilliantly random meteor strikes & what are the odds of that start praying to the Old Ones) blasphemy that the winner of this game becomes the de facto rooting interest the following week. I'm starting to wonder if there's a Cthulhu. Spiritual crisis aside, they're at home & they're better, thus The Fucking Patriots 34-16.

The Browns, what of 'em? I considered making a Shermer/Shurmer quip, but couldn't get beyond the difficulty of linking the oeuvre of John Hughes with the local football franchise. Oh, a high school outfit, I get jokes! Once upon a time, Sean E. Payton, Super Genius, had his play calling duties ripped & torn away by Li'l Jimmy Fossil. The point: we have no fucking clue if Pat will be a saint or Old Scratch's commandant. As it's been since the Precambrian, talent. The 1-10-1 Packers had some that Lombardi whipped into 7-5, then success forever etched on one of those silver footballs. Sans skill, that's 5-7 or worse you betcha.

Receiver, receiver, draft a receiver are you receiving, Major Tom? Bah & humbug. Is A.J. Green Calvin Johnson, don't know, so I say fix the fucking lines first. Quiet, jealous Sam Bradford. Detroit can't run block, but they can pass protect, 5th in sack percentage, thus Calvinball. Check out historical AVs; higher with O- & D-linemen than receivers, but one admittedly handy number can never tell the whole story -- anyone believe Joey Galloway's better than Lance Alworth? (not that Mr. Green appears to be a slouch & Fairley'll be gone by the time we choose, grumble, etc, so he's probably the pick, though watch him be gone, too, extra grumble).

You can toss to castoffs & pieces-parts if you've a rare collection of large men; see Mr. Bundchen in Ye Olde Bah-ston whose top six hands are 1)undrafted, 2)a second rounder on his second go-round, 3)a fourth round rookie, 4)a second round rookie, 5)an undrafted midget running back & 6)a third round special teamer. Jerry Rice & John Taylor won't help if your quarterback's on his back more often than a DC politician, unless your quarterback is Joe Montana (yes, I'm conveniently ignoring the fact that McCoy ain't either slinger, but who is these days) Think I'm an obfuscatorian? Ask Tim Couch.

Help McCoy, Obi-Wan, you're our only hope.


Oh, come on, Dick, they'll be better than 2-14.


Demeur said...

Pffft! You actually think this is about glory and honor and sportsmanship? Tis about semolians, rupees, shekels, bucks my man. The question isn't about who's better but who can pull in the most ad revenue. Signing bonuses don't come cheap ya know. Though you were smarter than that.

Randal Graves said...

The frumpiest frump of frumpery could do blow on the 50-yard line, wipe his nose with an American flag, cheat on his spouse with the mayor's wife, spit on children as they hopalong to school & toss buckshot in neighborhood pets while reciting Marx, but if he brought a Super Bowl title to Cleveland, they'd statuefy him. Or we can draft Cam Newton *and* win those two games.

Jim H. said...

You're wrong re Poes v. Local Shop Stewards. It'll be 16-9. The team which usurped the city of THE Colts will not score a TD (unless it's on defense, then you could be right)

Even wronger re Dirty Birds v. Sausage Grinders. ATL scores 34 @ home in the Dome. Crowd limits the Pack to 23.

Monsters of the Midway in not a rout. Somehow Pete inspires a surprising start for the Gulls, but da Bears win it in the 4th. Weather & conditioning, no?

Yeah re the Pats.

Sorry about the Pauls.

Liberality said...

Some fucking team will win some fucking game that grown fucking men play betwixt themselves and I don't fucking care who wins ;~P

Randal--when will you throw off this library gig and become a full fledged poet?

Sherry Peyton said...

I'm like totally unclear why you aren't Football Commissioner. Or an odds maker in Vegas, or working a hotdog cart in NYC. All seem perfectly suited to your talents. You really should do something with your writing. It's too understandable to me today. That means your phoning it in Randall. ;/

Randal Graves said...

jim, 16-9, 16-10, picky picky, don't discount the possibility of two FGs and two safeties.

Wait, *thirty-four* on that defense? The most they gave up all year was 31 to The Fucking Patriots, 26 to Detroit(!), nine times holding opponents to 17 or less. A Falcon win wouldn't shock me, but no way they score that many. Which means they'll put up 41, heh.

Really can't get a read on that Bears game. Their o-line truly is shit (28th in FO's adjusted line years, 32nd in sack percentage) but I can see their defense throwing multiple wrenches in the Hawks' machine. On the flip side, these are probably the two worst overall teams remaining.

Dear Roger, please reseed after each round, thank you.

liberality, and give up this life of luxury?

sherry, did you really have to go there? Everyone knows that I was once commissioner of hotdog carts before the shareholders voted me out for embezzlement. Sniff.

okjimm said...

good picks. Mike McCarthy has the players doing well considering he has lost over a shitload of starters through the year. I think I'd go with The brown over Tammy Faye Baker, though, see as see is already dead and everything.

Tom Harper said...

Nice sounds. So Black Sabbath is back, with a new name. Cool.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

How nice for you, Randal.

I had to walk uphill to violence. Both ways!

susan said...

'chopped cirrhosis'
I can well see that nothing sets your muse on fire better than a good old-fashioned sports post.

For the record, my money's on the Yellowstone super volcano. It's only 20k years overdue. Where else would Old scratch make his entrance from?

S.W. Anderson said...

That gent with hand on forehead, he's you're focus group for this post, right?

Just remember, people will little note nor long remember all the mano y mano steroidial sangfroid, post-whistle steel cage monkey wrenched skulls, rustbelt throwback grime & loss of these sporting events.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, McCarthy's in Andy Reid's class as a 2-minute bungler, but if they can strike a balance the rest of the way, they're the best threat the NFC has.

tom, highly recommend snagging their entire catalog. Sludgy, slimy riff grotesquerie.

if, you think it's easy picking off pedestrians while rumbling down a road cratered with chuckholes?

susan, & people scoff at Ohio. Sure, the lack of sunlight will give us all scurvy, but at least we won't get blowed up real good.

SWA, in comparison to what? Sporting events carry memorable moments whereas, for example, politicians reuse the same Mad Libs template, leaving everything in a blur.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I can't disagree. :)

okjimm said...

whoa.... Rodgers 31-36? PACKERS DO NOT PUNT! Most striking play off game I've seen in long time!