Wednesday, January 12, 2011


There's a gli- gli- gli- glitch that sti- sti- icky -icks.

A craw, a craw, my kingdom for an oblivious craw.

Last three in PER for our *cough* stalwarts, minimum of 500 minutes played:
Antawn Jamison 20.6 to 17.3 to 16.2, coulda needs a contendah.
Anthony Parker 12.1 to 9.9 to 10.1, sweet merciful crap, just stay hurt.
Anderson Varejao 14.6 to 15.8 to 15.4 + Defender + out for the year = ARGH.
Mo Williams 17.2 to 16.1 to 14.3, if there's a sack with a dollar sign, you take it.
Boobie Gibson 10.1 to 11.3 to 15.1, always one kid who listens -- & gets hurt.
J.J. Hickson 12.5 to 15.2 to 11.4, a walking brain cramp.
Ramon Sessions 17.6 to 12.9 to 16.9, out-of-control turnover machine.
Jamario Moon 13.3 to 12.6 to 8.9, why is he not cleaning Cheney's cage?

The sad part is, aside from Old Man Antawn still being owed 28+ milion through the Year of Quetzalcoatl, the only contracts off the books this offseason are Parker's 2.8 million & Leon Powe's 900k. Moonpie's 3.19 million team option will not be picked up or I'll walk from here to Californistan to toss eggs at Tengrain's house. Throw in the fact that the odds of lottery numero uno ain't swanky (we already lucked out once, one more than Cleveland, per the basketball gods, should be allowed) & thus, it's a black matter for the font & us.

Look, when you're offensively inept, you play D. If you don't play D, you're these guys. I'll admit I might have been smoking something out of a dime store vending machine -- remember those NFL helmets for a quarter? -- when I penciled these jokers in for 35 wins & an 8th seed, but fuck man, 1992-93 Mavericks bad, that's a nigh unattainable realm of suck only spoken of in hushed tones. Terry Davis! Mike Iuzzolino! Sean Rooks! The immortal Walter Bond! How Derek Harper didn't commit center court seppuku remains a mystery Eleusinian.

Can someone clear all the knives out of Sideshow Bob's house? Merci.

Sigh. At least they're not the amoral denizens of the Sunday morning talking hairpiece roundtable nation & goddammit, that's something.


Mary Ellen/Nunly said...

The trouble with Cleveland is their uniforms. Black knee socks with shorts? They should walk with their heads hung low. Sheesh. Where are the fashion police when you need them?

Randal Graves said...

What's wrong with those threads? Now this is a Mr. Blackwell cringer.

Mary Ellen/Nunly said...


Every man should have a pair of red shoes....

If your guys had shoes like that, they would be winners. :-)

David Barber said...

Mate, I'm just totally lost when it comes to American sports! Well, apart from soccer but thats not classed as one of your "major" sports is it? Although I know you watch it!

Anyhow, just wanted to comment so you know I'm still popping round. Been a bit busy recently, mate.

Cheers, dude!!

Randal Graves said...

nunly, bah, I want them outfitted with those hats. Can't help but add some defense around the rim.

david, this year's Cavs share a little with 2007-08 Derby County. Yes, nearly *that* bad. What did they win, one or two games?

Dude, you work too much! You need to get a real fake job like I've got.

Mary Ellen/Nunly said...

It would be good if they could carry one of those sticks with the hook on the end. They can trip up a few players on the way to the net, or just use the hook to yank their arms down before they shoot the ball. At least the game would be more fun to watch.

Tom Harper said...

Hey, whatddya got against those "amoral denizens of the Sunday morning talking hairpiece roundtable nation" anyway? Hmmm?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I have to agree with Mary E/N:

If the Cavs got to use sticks with hooks on them when they played, it would definitely improve their defense (as long as the other side didn't get sticks as well).

Demeur said...

Well there's your problem Sparky. Black dress knee highs and bowling shoes? No wonder they can't win.

susan said...

I managed to find all the knives but I may have missed the pointed sticks he was saving for the talking hairpieces.

Lisa said...

All these guys playing with balls for a lot of money. I should've skipped college and gotten myself some red shoes and black knee socks.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, at this point, they should be willing to try anything. How about those July 4 popper things you toss on the ground? Scare the hell out of a drive to the basket.

tom, for starters their amorality isn't as amoral as my amorality.

if, we can paint the sticks so they appear identical, but theirs will be made of balsa wood.

demeur, but bowling is the sport of kings.

susan, did you check for chopsticks?

lisa, and you dare made snide comments about my sporty posts. No loot for playing with balls for you.

Freida Bee said...

I like #15's duds alright, but you know how when people start talking about math, their eyes glaze over? That's how I am with professional sports.