Friday, January 7, 2011

Like putting rouge on a corpse

If labor issues wipe out 2011, at least the Browns aren't Super Bowl calibre.

See, I don't always think the glass is 15/16 empty.

The 30th anniversary of a monster greedily savaging the hypothalamus into prolonged inverse catatonia passed by this week & yes, I was present for this laying of the foundation upon which bricks of sweat & bit fingernails fired in the oven of superheated screams at the teevee are still being piled sport after sport, season after season, this Tower of Misery whose top now touches the black above the clouds.


Li'l Randal, mom, pop & the late, great uncle Mick.

Sports may indeed be a garish part of the spectacle, a diabolical trap that lures the unwashed masses into a sense of unwarranted belonging, of validity, but at least Brian Sipe never launched a drone. Just a duck.

C'mon, The Man, one bone in the shape of silver football, woof, woof.

New Orleans @ Seattle AKA the Julius Jones Revenge Game: What, why, huff n' puff n' stuff seven of and nine Sid n' Marty Krofft! Looks, ladies & germs, lockout or no, when the No Fun unless you're Brett Favre wink nudge League returns with 18 & Life, betcha they expand the playoffs even further. When the battle's between integrity & an extra wheelbarrow full of stogie kindling, the winner's clear. Oh, the game. The Saints are down to the aforementioned Gold Julius, rusty Reggie Bush, street retread DeShawn Wynn & an unretired Dalton Hilliard, but fucking hell, if they lose, Malcolm Jenkins or no (ed. note: no) to a statistical sack of vomit, they deserve the unyielding scorn. Saints 34-20.

N.Y. Jets @ Indianapolis: Captain Advertisement's getting comfortable with his rubber band & chewing gum receiver corps, the run's fun again & Dirty Sanchez's hurt. Sure, scoff, the Jets may be hard knock rush, bluster & foot fetishists, but watch the turnovers flow into home cooking. Colts 26-14.

Baltimore @ Kansas City: Fucking hell I fucking hate Baltimore that fucking Super Bowl trophy should be fucking ours, Jesus H. Cthulhu on a stick, fuck you you fucking motherfuckers I'll burn your fucking house to ash. Doesn't always work, this primal blog therapy. Flacco's O is 25th in sack percentage & if they can't block Tamba Hali -- & Haley Joel Todd actually gives the ball to Jamaal Charles more than 15 times -- 6.4 bub, 6.4 -- the Chiefs have a wonderful opportunity to bring me temporary joy. Thus, 23 carries by dessicated Thomas Jones & Ravens, 24-14.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia: Norm Van Brocklin leading the City of Hate to its last title, 4th & 26 & now I Like Mike, all good times. I also like son of Clay (who should be in Canton, you dumb bastards) leading the top D this side of Pittsburgh & the best quarterback -- or at worst, the less-sacked -- if not the best story, in this game. Sorry, Philly, but maybe you'll get lucky & there'll be icy snowballs to whip at little children. Packers 27-24.


MRMacrum said...

As a sports fan who has over the years suffered the curse of always rooting for the losing side, I find it almost uncomfortable to Rah Rah Sis KumBah the decade long success of the Pats and to a lesser degree the BoSox. Not being able to nestle up with some team of lousy play makes me squirm as if my shorts have ridden up. And my teams being hated by so many almost (note I said almost) almost makes me feel for the Yankee fans. Something in between always victorious and always losing would be a whole lot easier to deal with.

So I do feel your pain, just not right at the moment.

Like you I root for the Chiefs. The thugs from Charm City are staining the rep of my favorite city in the great US of A.

Randal Graves said...

Go fuck yourself, spoiled Pats fan!

Now that we've got the requisite unpleasantries out of the way, there's something to be said, if one is blessed with the DNA for it, for clinging to almosts & could've-beens, the failed hero, all that jazz. A better story than a four, five, six-time SB champ. Though I'll take the latter.

As for the Chiefs, they're a natural fallback for a Browns fan: started in a rival league, midwestern team, haven't won in ages yet have a number of agonizing losses to hang their hats on, & finally, the head of so many of those agonizing losses, Martyball.

Jim H. said...

Do I understand this right? You're not much of a Ravens fan?

I'll take Indy, and the 14 you gave the reigning champs, KC covers your spread, and you nailed GB/Philly (the game of the week) in OT (even w/ the new rule).

Hey, the Falcons have gotten my attention this year. They seem almost too good to be true, though. The Holy Ones exposed them @ home 2 weeks ago. I hear you saying there'll be a re-match; a game that might be worth watching.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

See, I don't always think the glass is 15/16 empty.

I'm guessing the nearly empty glass had booze in it. Am I right?



Laura said...

Look at you! Your hair was so short back then.
I think I see the sun reflecting off of your oh so cool glasses!
Love the sticker initials on the corner of them... nice late 70's, early 80's touch.
A bit feminine though... isn't it?


okjimm said...

picks look good to me. Word is GB defense is gonna blitz Vick....he's been less than helathy and less than MVP last few games. I think we are gonna throw him to the dogs.

Randal Graves said...

jim, ask me about Art.

There's a small part of me that thinks Seattle can make a game of it - not because they're any good of course; they truly are awful - but every now and then you get one of those wacky games, New England inexplicably falling apart last year, Arizona waxing Carolina, the Bucs outgaining Washington by about 300 yards and still losing.

Mike Smith's doing something down there: 11 wins, then 9, now this, and by every metric I've seen, Ryan's the real deal. Too bad Atlanta's such an undeserving sports town, heh.

tengrain, spring water, duh.

laura, you dare question *my* fashion sense?

okjimm, if only the Pack had an NFL-calibre running game, they'd be easy co-favorites with New England. Given that the Packers aren't owned by some rich stooge, they really should be everyone's second favorite team, Chicago, Detroit and Minnesota fans excepted.

Tom Harper said...

Nice picture of you and your family sitting in the bleachers. But you weren't wearing that nice watch that your Uncle Leo bought you. Tisk Tisk.

Demeur said...

I must say the Seapigs surprised even me. I predict Matt on his back counting stars on more than one occasion and if Carrol is smart he'll pull him early then we might have a chance. Saints by 3 but then again the pigs never cease to amaze.

A plus they're predicting snow here Saturday.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I grew up a Skins fan in D.C., so my best football memories are of the Joe Gibbs Super Bowls (I did see the George Allen Skins lose to the fish 14-7 in one of the most boring games evuh!).

Now we are cursed by the evil incompetence of Dan Snyder, forever, it seems.

susan said...

'Rouge on a corpse' reminded me of one of my most favorite movies from last year - Departures. Maybe you'd enjoy watching it once football season ends.

S.W. Anderson said...

You've got to take a long view. Every dog has it's day. The worm turns. The Browns will have a winning season.

The operative question is, how old are you?

Cormac Brown said...

I'm with you pretty much, except I worry that Green Bay doesn't have enough healthy D-linemen to stop Leshawn (sp?) McCoy and the run. Peyton cannot, repeat, cannot bird-dog his receivers the way he has all season. He's been averaging, what, 2.5 interceptions a game?

Most of 2010's nationally televised Colts games have been repeats of the Super Bowl, with the defenders following his Manning's eyes to the ball. Somebody put blinders on him, or make him stop doing those stupid Sony ads. Actually, just make him stop doing those Sony ads.

La Belette Rouge said...

If only you could get passionate about football. Your heart just doesn't seem in the game. Perhaps another sport where you could get seats that didn't cause nosebleeds. Maybe table tennis is a better sport for you. I have a hunch it wouldn't ever inspire such primal blog therapy.

La Belette Rouge said...

p.s Putting Rouge on a Corpse is the title of my upcoming book.;-)

Distributorcap said...

so is it go jets???

Demeur said...

Well miracles of miracles the Seapigs pulled off a victory. I did mention they amaze me sometimes. Cinderella lives!

Lisa said...

I love when you write about water polo! It totally speaks to me.

Randal Graves said...

tom, aside from Red Right 88, that was a good year, got the Lego Alpha 1 Rocket Base for Xmas.

demeur, WTF? I wasn't a fan of the playoff setup way back in 2002 when they realigned, so I'm hoping they & the Packers win, thus the NFC title game at 7-9 Seattle.

if, I'm a bit disappointed in Danny Boy, I miss those spending sprees on over-the-hill FAs.

susan, Departures, is that about the hope of Cleveland sports fans?

SWA, old enough to be dead before that happens here.

cormac, one thing we definitely learned from that game is that Caldwell is even shittier a coach than we had all assumed.

LBR, I can't wait to read the multiple chapters covering your love of sports!

dcap, the Fucking Ravens, the Fucking Steelers, the Fucking Patriots & the Fucking Jets. What a crime against morality.

lisa, sure beats that overrated handball jazz.

Cormac Brown said...

"one thing we definitely learned from that game is that Caldwell is even shittier a coach than we had all assumed."