Wednesday, November 26, 2008

First prayer

I vaguely recall that back in the doggy days of August, a lot of you fine humans were hitting the proverbial wall inscribed with various proverbs, one of which was, verily the man that cannot think of shit to post should give it up give it up give it up now.

I don't know anyone named Jack but I do know I still can't think of shit to post, which normally wouldn't be a problem since I'd be stretched out on the couch watching my Cavs fuck up yet another opponent, but I remain nattily-clad at work -- only four hours left! -- the evening before National Heart Attack Day and thus have to do something besides stare at the walls --

"You could begin working on your final paper for class."

-- so here's an aural photograph I took of my brain:

"You bastard, I'm not that weird. You are."

Since you no doubt didn't enjoy that one bit if you dared endure the entire piece -- congratulations if you did, you win nothing -- though it was a prayer, you fundie Jesus wackos; if done by a black metal band -- Satan! -- from France -- I sincerely hope you meat eaters enjoy instead the charred flesh of the traditional egg-laying vertebrate tomorrow; you weirdo vegetarians your tofu-based products; or human muscle, those of you that are closet cannibals, all while celebrating our nation's genocidal foundation through gravy, stuffing and televised images of Jerry Jones' plastic surgery. God Bless America.

As for me, I'll be off to see the in-laws who originally hail from West Virginia yet are staunch lie-bruls, then my side of the family who grew up in a blue county yet love them some Ronnie Raygun.

With all that confusion, maybe I'll just stay home.

Quel dilemme ! This is quite a stern test of my faith, weary as it is from countless trials and tribulations, both tangibly overt and stealthily hidden the way devious abstractions often conceal themselves, but I understand what I must do, and it certainly doesn't include --

"Get on with it already."

O Great Old One, I pray to thy interstellar tentacles that my internets are no longer broken, that my tubular pals don't rupture their collective gut from too much chowing down and that none of them are arrested on charges of first degree murder for the assassination of any out-of-state wingnut relatives because they might not get to blog all that much while in jail. Amen! Cthulhu Fhtagn!

Put a sock in it, bub. You may scoff at the Great and Powerful Oz Cthulhu, but I'll be treading the earth via my triumphant stride long after you've become nothing but a dusty memory. Don't believe me? Just ask these scienticians.

Almost forgot. I wanted to close with a shot that encapsulated everything bloody and gluttonous about tomorrow, so I typed dead turkey into The Google and unsurprisingly, this was the first hit:

Happy Thanksgiving you loons.


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hill said...

And what a turkey she is!

Happy Bird Day!

Utah Savage said...

I am not a loon, I am a swan. You think you are any more likely to avoid the gut busting tomorrow. You are a bigger sucker than I thought.

I am the sweet little shut-in who gets multiple plates of thanksgiving whatever from my neighbors--one more day I won't die of starvation.

Anonymous said...

Blech to Sarah the Bloody.

Dusty said...

I am a loon and damn proud of it! ;p

I do love that Palin came up under dead turkey...if only saying it were so for some folks that will go unnamed.

Enjoy da sports Randal, I know I will in spite of having to cook all friggin day. ;)

Distributorcap said...

i wonder if sarah is grandma sarah yet

Mauigirl said...

Happy Thanksgiving Randal! Enjoy whatever feast you partake of tomorrow!

susan said...

I read somewhere the average Thanksgiving meal takes 12 hours of preparation and 12 minutes to eat. That's why half time lasts 12 minutes.

I love being free of forced traditions. Yog-Sothoth!

S.W. Anderson said...

That guy in the swamp — Dick Cheney in his undisclosed location, without makeup.

Re: overeating on Thanksgiving. C'mon, get into the spirit of the thing. I'm a fool for dressing with gravy. Mmmm.

And finally, the Palin "pardoning" gaffe. What prescient irony that she even said something to the effect they will probably come up with some way to find fault with this too. Almost as rich as if George W. Bush were to throw up his hands in frustration and declare:

I don't know what more y'all want. I've tried everything I know to make people happy. Everybody's just too persnickitous.

anita said...

my brother has been calling me a loon since i don't know when. so does that in and of itself MAKE me a loon? or just looney?

there's a great john prine song called 'crazy as a loon' ... not sure if that's the actual NAME of the song, but that's what he sings about.

on that, as well, i can relate to the laments of john prine.


happy happy gobble gobble randal!!

Utah Savage said...

Happy Thanksgiving Randal.

Beach Bum said...

Stumbling around in a turkey induced haze. Happy Thanksgiving Randal.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

not a turkey in sight here in Francey-pants. well at least not the edible variety.

I notice you never write about work. Must be scads of material looming there. For next time you get stuck. just sayin'...

Border Explorer said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Randal!

I'm grateful that Nov. 4 minimized my having to confront the visage of that Queen of Dead Turkeys. And I'm grateful for L'ennui mélodieux.

Anonymous said...

You may grouse all you wish, but if you cooked as fantastically as I do, you would know the sublime wonder of succulent turkey basted gloriously in a tastebud exploding gravy. Kissed with the most juicy flavor-smacking dressing yet to be devised by mere mortals. I could go on, but I know you are sad now. And guess what? It may take but a few minutes to consume, but we eat it at least 3 days running and wallow in the deliciousness anew each time. Na na na na!~

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

long live the playtapus lol

Übermilf said...

Is your brain still talking to you after you were so rude to him?

Tom Harper said...

OK, I did it. I endured that entire 5 minute 43 seconds of that awful satanic heavy metal. Now, what did you say I'd win if I listened to the whole thing? Let me look again...

Oh. Nothing.

Oh well. Enjoy your charred bird and your in-laws (uh, not in the same way, let me rephrase that).

Betty C. said...

Oh, Sarah, she never ceases to amaze.

I saw the video when it came out and wondered if the poor turkey had to die hearing Pain talk about "this great country or ours."

Poor bird.

I also like the quizzical expressions of the worker -- like something out of a Monty Python skit.

Of course, I have to say this maybe was all the media's fault!

Liquid said... that video is just funny! Dead turkeys and Palin.

Randal Graves said...

To all, hope you had tasty food and managed to avoid the stupidity of others. If not, then I hope you drank heavily to compensate!

Anonymous said...

Randal.. went to NJ where we filled our gas tank up for $24 ($1.67 a gallon) and filled our bellies up with arroz con gandules and roasted turkey and pig carcass. I'm still wondering how we made the trip back to Long Island under a food coma. Maybe there is a Cthulhu after all.

Mimi Von Huffnsnort said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Freida Bee said...

Oh, you know what's funny. At my work I cannot watch YouTube and I thought you had just posted a blank white "picture" to say what was contained in your brain. It would have been apropos as well, no?

I had me some placenta and you knew it. Don't ask whose.