Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Totally tubular!

And you all scoffed at convicted felon --

"NO! I still have all my appeals!"

-- damn right you do! Go, you separatist Alaskans, go! And after your good name is cleared, we'll all rejoice. Now that's a country I wanna live in, the United States of Stevens. Wait, we'd have to replace all the logos of the military-industrial-entertainment complex. How about the United Stevens of America? God Bless Stevens!

Anyway, my tubes were tied yesterday and because they weren't working from dawn to dusk, and I, as a general rule, tend to refuse to watch the talking hairpiece brigade on my days off, I watched instead some light British comedy. And given the results of yesterday's election, I'm more convinced than ever that if I had been able to post, the following sonnet -- I use the term loosely -- completed Monday evening, would've been enough to launch the one true candidate over the top, far beyond both McFossil and Socialist Barack Hussein X.

Some demand we all vote for dead commies.
I know folks planning to cast a line for Nader;
still others wanna vote for their mommies --
hey, it's Palin, you gooper masturbator!

Soon the shit will stop for a short, brief, miniscule moment --
here's our chance! pass the berry Metamucil!
Yippee, the Return of the Perpetual Advertisement.
Oh sure, there's the brother or the fossil;

the former an imperialist, the latter insane.
I'm sure some porn star is running, if that's your gig.
As for me, there's really only one campaign
worth a damn and we don't ever deign to rig.

So pull the lever for Diva or she'll fuck your shit up
so bad you'll be stuck the rest of your days peeing in a cup.
I was further dismayed on the generally half brother, half cracker bus this morning. Aside from not seeing any rioting outside -- don't let the police chiefs of Murka fool you. Win or lose, they riot, you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge -- all those followers of Farrakhan looked the same way they do every morning with their dour masks of despair, knowing full well that another day of toiling for The Man awaits them.

Why are you sad? You all run the world now! You can't fool me, I saw that glimmer of mischievous hope in the corner of your eyes as you prepare to enact Hussein's cracker roundup plan for enslavement and socialist reedumacation in the ways of the Koran.


Übermilf said...

That rioting thing ... all Chicago area emergency responders were on standby for that.

Ha ha. Made you look. We're not barbarians after all!

dguzman said...

Can't get anything past you, can we, Randal!?

Border Explorer said...

Carry a Koran on the bus home for protection in the cracker roundup. If an aged felon wins Alaska, may Allah help us all.

Jood campaign officially over now? It was nice working for you, Boss.

susan said...

I'm still smiling this morning - just can't help it.. one long sigh of relief before the next shit storm.

Christopher said...

Finally, the tyranny of eight years of Bush/Cheney has come to a close.

The promise of America was renewed with the election of Barack Obama.

Now, the clean up can get underway.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

they were on their way to their SECRET meeting, RG...they had to play it cool and not cause suspicion...

Bubs said...

"You all run the world now! You can't fool me, I saw that glimmer of mischievous hope in the corner of your eyes as you prepare to enact Hussein's cracker roundup plan for enslavement and socialist reedumacation in the ways of the Koran."

Hah. I got a couple of emails from some conservative associates this morning that sounded almost exactly like this. Have you been ghost-writing?

Utah Savage said...

Thank god you're not dead yet, Randal. I thought we'd lost you yesterday. I too was lost. But now I'm found. And aren't you just a little proud to be from Ohio now?

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I don't believe you! Look at how your city burned to the ground after the Bears won the Super Bowl!

dguzman, me reel smrt!

BE, I guess the Murkan people aren't ready for our commie pinko messaging. Oh well.

susan, oh yeah, this is Murka, there will be all kinds of funky crap to wade through.

christopher, clean up from these yokels? That'll take a few pretzeldencies.

JNRR, ah, say no more. I'll remain vigilant, nonetheless!

bubs, I, um, you see, have to go.

utah, no, I ain't dead yet, just my internets at home, temporarily. I was shocked that Hussein took Ohio given how many crackers reside here.

okjimm said...

Now if only the 'other' Ohio rizednets (Browns) could perform like the voters there, well, gosh darn WOULD be in the SuperBowl!

OHIO 11/5/08
No Bad
No Ugly
Pretty Darn Good!!!!

Dean Wormer said...

This might sound naive but things are going to get better.

Not perfect. But not stuck in the crapper either.

Übermilf said...

I also forgot to tell you, as an Ohio resident, thank you.

Dr. Zaius said...

Ack! We have lost! Who is this O'Bammer fellow anyway? What an upstart!

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, I think the DNC slipped something in the water. Ohioans usually vote for the obvious loon.

dean, oh you kids and your crazy idealism!

übermilf, don't thank me, thank the moon's gravitational pull.

Randal Graves said...

dr. zaius, I told you that the African Coalition of Angry Muslim Law Professorizing Bombers had an ace up their sleeves!

FranIAm said...

And just who will you complain about now, mon ami?

I'm sure you'll find someone, something or whatever.

You still hate America, I can tell.

Randal Graves said...

fran, ma chère chrétienne, there's always something or someone to complain about. Especially in Murka.

Snave said...

Border Explorer says "If an aged felon wins Alaska, may Allah help us all."

That's true. Now that Hot Hockey Mom is headed back to Alaska to be governor some more, golly, she can appoint herself to Stevens' senate seat when he has to resign! Ya betcha!! Too bad the people of that state were so stupid as to re-elect Stevens. I don't quite believe it's official yet, but Stevens was leading Mark Begich at last count.

Randal, you are great! I've been looking for a rhyme for "Metamucil" most of my adult life, and you have found a rhyme that works! It works better than Steve Miller's use of "Texas", "taxes" and "facts is" is "Take the Money and Run", anyway.

Randal Graves said...

snave, going from a felon to Cheney in a skirt? Yikes. Only in Murka would we find a way to elect a black dude to be the next pretzeldent and send a convicted felon back to Congress.

Don't forget the little-known codicil, once famously uttered by the dean of Faber!

DivaJood said...

Did I lose? I don't remember conceeding.