The Ghost of Comments Past or, Imaginary Love Letters to French Damsels I Know That Aren't French At All Nor Imaginary

Dearest Freida of the Bees,

Once upon a time you proffered, beyond the most excellente and ryghte gifte of beauteous cones of pine, tes pensées à moi and I took them to heart, which resides beneath the rib cage, and upon my journey though the wilds of Cuyahoga County in my quest for NaBloPoMojo I encountered, unaware of its surreptitious sneaking in a manner most stealthy, the vicious Dragonne of Dordogne, who sent my heart, which resides beneath the rib cage, into fits most opposite of lame duckery!

Alas and alack, Gemini of blasphemy!

Against my girded loins dressed in the manner of a superhero -- do not ask me of such things of the future, for the Lord Our God would strike me down for my sinfull dabbling in the balled crystal arts and you for having heard it! -- I was at a loss dans mon coeur et mon esprit, but not dans ma bouche for verily I swore thy most swearfull and vulgar oaths one shant ever wish to hear in thine Christian ears against this foul creature of the blackest pit!


Verily, I stole my sword from its scabbard and thrust it into the heart of this bestial beast of the bestiary and lo, found it stuck within its ribcage! Quelle horreur ! Oh, to have been Arthur at the stone and my weapon to have been that legendary blade which long ago was lost in the lake and awaits distribution!

Alas and alack, I was not in Brittany nor Wales but amongst the Gauls in the kingdom of France, once known to our Roman forebears as Gaul. Certainly I was not, and remain not, Great King Arthur, Lord of Camelot with the sultry MILF Guenevere at his side, but the foolish, lacking in moral fibre, a few draughts short of true courage, but always dashing, Rândale, chevalier de la belle France!


Distracting the wretched visage clawing the turf and surf -- for we were near the river's edge and it gets kind of surfy s'il fait du vent or if some jackass flyes by in his motorbateau trying to impress the local damsels, who usually remained distressed -- with a precious kitten -- for even the darkest minions of the Deceiver cannot resist such fluffy cuteness -- I called upon all of my meager strength to be strengthened with the inexorable strength of all the strongest angels; the cherubim, the seraphim, the archangels, and even the janitors of their angelic palaces in Heaven; pulled the sword lodged in the ribcage of the grotesque, malodorous woe whose gaze was fixed upon that cuddly, furry thynge and lopped its unnatural, horned and fanged head right off!

The Dragonne, not the kitten.

I watched with triumphant glee as the spattering blood trailed behind on the decapitated cap's rolling passage into the surfy turf and, at last, after much rolling as if the Lord God Himself were getting ready to light up, into the river where it would float into the sea and become a snacke for sharkes or eels or lampreys or Saxons.


Oh, genoux d'abeilles ! I searched and hunted far and wide, hither and yon, tither and dither, nord, sud, est et ouest and found no gold, no diamonds, no jewel-encrusted goblets lodged in neither the layre nor the bloody carcasse of this vile beast to repay you for your most excellente and ryghte giftes of cones of pine et tes pensées. Angry at having been tricked by all the tales from time immemorial, I sulked for days on end and even nights when I wasn't sleeping and dreaming of naked, er, Marge. Je restais triste and thus, after much divination of souls and finding my liquor cabinet empty, went to party down. Luckily, I heard a wonderfull songe and though ma voix is a great failure pour l'art de la chanson, I will do my best to synge it to thee:

J'ai donné à mon amour une cerise qui n'a eu aucun noyau
J'ai donné à mon amour un poulet qui n'a eu aucun os
J'ai donné à mon amour une histoire qui n'a eu aucun fin
J'ai donné à mon --

And then some unshaven, drunken paysan, nay, a beast, dressed in the vêtements of our Roman forebears, grabbed the lute from the chanteur and smashed it upon the castle staircase! I suppose that I should get to the Latin conjugation you asked for in order to complete my taskes: video of you singing, vides of you singing, videt of you singing, videmus of you singing, videtis of you singing, vident of you singing.

I hope and pray to Jupiter, Minerva, Chewie and the Ewoks and all the other puppets that you will be most pleased with my efforts to please for I have suffered much upon my journey through the wilds of Cuyahoga County and the piles of straynge and beseeching lettres from distant l'Afrique that awaited me upon my return where time and again I discovered that I have apparentlye come into millions of pounds of silver. I further pray to Mars and Pluto that swift Mercury sees this lettre find its way into your blessed hands.

À bientôt,

Rândale, Duc de Boeuf Bourguignon