Saturday, November 1, 2008

Won't someone please think of the children lazy?

I was horribly axe murdered last night so I'm writing this post from beyond the grave. You're welcome.

Before I go any further, bonne anniversaire, Louis the Stammerer.
Louis not pictured above with Agent Harvey Manfrenjensen.

Anyway, among internets circles, angry loners, the unemployable, esoteric cults of the tubes, and various and sundry pseudo-literati beholden to a dystopian vision of anarchy, November is more than turkey, cranberry sauce and Ohio State/Michigan games. Something Important® is supposedly happening next week, but I'm not referring to that claptrap. I'm talking about something far more hideous.

Sure, there's this blasphemy as well, but only lunatics and worshippers of the Old Ones would dare participate in such an unholy blight upon Odin's creation.

"You're both a lunatic and a worthless acolyte of Cthulhu."

That's right, brain! I knew there was a reason I kept you around instead of trying to sew something Frankensteinian. So, putting aside that piece of French Fried trash, here's what I've got so far for NanoMojo.

It was the best of a dark and stormy night, it was the worst of a dark and stormy night. Leon "Paddy" Czolgosz, the town's Irishman, stepped out of The Daughters of the Bohemian Yugoslavs underneath a dry sky. Oh sure, there was lightning, spooky, spooky lightning, but facing such an empty threat, Leon boldly reached into his jacket, one of those cheap, mass-produced faux-leather bombers that became such a hit during the war that was still raging with no sign of ending in what would probably be a rage, and pulled out a pack of American cigarettes, Winston-Salems. He tried to understand why a Yankee company would have a racecar-driving witch as its mascot, but there weren't any Yankees living in the Kingdom to ask and holding overseas contraband would get you an appointment before the town elders and being circumscribed by the fiery gaze of a gaggle of assassins is something you didn't want, especially if you were the only Irishman in Belgrade.

"Fuck," said Leon, catching the attention of passers-by and the stray rat that scurried for cover in one of the multitude of run-down or abandoned buildings strewn as far as smiling Irish eyes could see. Upon placing the cigarette between his lips, a stark revelation of minor annoyance cast its long shadow over the purple and orange twilight.

Throwing the unlit tobacco product on the ground to stomp it out as if it had been lit, which it wasn't because he had no lighter which was the source of his minor annoyance that had immediately expanded into a major one the very second he realized he would have to reenter The Daughters of the Bohemian Yugoslavs and ask someone for a light, he understood that he would indeed have to do his grave duty if he was to advance the cause of cancer which he didn't care about but stepping back through that portal in the form of a door was something he did because that meant game after game of whist and he was terrible at whist.
Well, time to use The Google to find future fun with captions so I'll have thirty days worth of posts. What else am I gonna do with November, something constructive? Don't be such a Yugoslav.


Freida Bee said...

You had me 'til "whist." WTF is "whist?" I refuse to look it up.

Ok, I looked it up. It's a game. Was this your kind of way to make this a sports posts.

For Nanoproblemo may I recommend more of the following:

Snarky imaginary conversations between fictional characters and soon-to-be lame ducks named W.

Love letters to me.

Videos of yourself singing.

More kittens. I love kittens.

New meme's that make one want to say, "muwahahaha."

Randal Graves said...

FB, why does everyone bag on the sports? You make up for it with your initial idea. I'll have to turn my brain on high. 350° at 20 minutes should do it.

Can I write the love letters en français? Even bad French grammar sounds hot. I haven't put a shot of the real me up here, so singing is out of the question.

Funny you should mention kittens, we've got another stray floating about. Tiniest little thing, ate like a horse since it probably hadn't eaten in forever.

New memes sound like work. Better turn it up to 400°.

Mauigirl said...

Go Randal, great first NaBloPoMo post. I'm in too...expect lots of Haiku!!!

Utah Savage said...

I used to play whist with my dad. Well, yes, now that you ask, I am old. So what. Fuck off, you ageist bastards.

Tom Harper said...

Whist, is that anything like peenuckel? (I do know how to spell it correctly; I just didn't wanna.)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

RG: I like Bid Whist. Get in touch with me when you're bored at work and we'll play on Yahoo games.

Beach Bum said...

30 posts for 30 days? Damn, that would be a little hard for me. Damn near impossible honestly.

susan said...

I think I managed 30 posts in my first year of blogging. It works for me but since you do seem to manage such prolific levels of bloggy entertainment I come by to visit daily. That works for me too.. even caption posts are well worth opening the commentaires to read.

S.W. Anderson said...

"I was horribly axe murdered last night so I'm writing this post from beyond the grave."

Randal, Randal, Randal, don't ever start off like that. Nothing blows a writer's credibility like admitting up front he/she is croakers.

Face it, stiffs have zero credibility. People see you're a goner and they move right along. Bad vibes, on top of the credibility thing.

S.W. Anderson said...

For Frieda Bee's edification, whist is an old card game.

anita said...

randal, so here i am early this november morning (the day i get an extra hour!! yay!!) and i've decided to put my tiny toes back into the chilly randal graves pool, and what do i find? a case of Yogoslav bashing!!!

as a croatian-american, i take extreme personal offense at your demeaning of the "Yogoslav" race.

but hey, so be it. i for one know that we're ALL insane, the croats, the serbs, the kosovars, et al.

so go ahead.

i'll still be back. i'm just glad you don't have "word verification" ... my yugoslavian brain is rebelling against it (sorry utah!).


Randal Graves said...

mauigirl, thanks and don't be surprised if I steal your haiku idea!

utah, would you have felt better if I said poker? Ain't my fault the young ones don't enjoy the whist anymore!

tom, I took the time to find the proper spelling for the obscure 'whist,' the least you could do is the same for peanutknuckles.

kelso, will do, but it's been years, and I mean years, since I've played whist. I'm as bad as Leon, so gimme some time to work up my skills.

BB, hence the lovely crutch of fun with captions. Come up with one bad line and let everyone else do the work.

susan, oh hell, the comments are far better than the post most of the time. I think of a post as a way to get everyone's fingers rolling.

SWA, you mean you all aren't impressed with my spectral typing skills?

And hey, Reagan takes exception to your stiffs comment. Landslide in '84, my man.

anita, oh great, another Balkan War, this time on my blog. You Croats are always trying to keep us Scots down.

I'll never have word verification. Half the time I can't make it out, my eyesight is so bad. ;-)

Utah Savage said...

I swear it just appeared one day. I didn't invite word verification since I too am blind. Really one day no verification and then there it was. Quelle mystery!

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, meant to add what a wickedly good headline tops this post.

S.W. Anderson said...

Drat, too fast on the commenting. My previous was supposed to go on the next post, showing Palin and JTP. I will put it there. Feel free to delete this one and the one above, if you're so inclinged. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Yoguslavs saying fuck. Oh, my Randal you have totally outdone yourself mixing Charlie Brown with Charlie Dickens. I'm curious to know: since you were on your Charlie Horse with this post, how come no YouTube video of Charlie Daniels?

spyderkl said...

I'm going to ignore the NaNoWriMo jab, seeing as how it's going to be yet another year of procrastination for me.

"Hey, here's a really great idea!"
"Aw, I'll do it tomorrow. You know, December 1st."

3 times, ended just like that...