Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Amazing Translate-In-A-Bottle!

Hi, Billy Mays here! Are you tired of scrubbing your brain trying to understand exactly what the soundbites of talking hairpieces and politicians actually mean?

Fear these hairballs no more, for with The Amazing Translate-In-A-Bottle, you too can make sense of what these jokers blurt out, all from the comfort of your own home!

Simply spray your television screen with our award-winning formula, and by the time you pop open a cold one, The Translate-In-A-Bottle will already be done!

Just watch!

"Bling blang blung, zabba yabba dabba doo piddly poo. Zingus stingus Tom Daschle wingus dingus. Bargle fargle President Obama boogle foogle. Clanky danky hanky panky Wall Street greet beet peat moss hoss Lou Dobbs. Lou?

"Middle class gas grass ass razzle dazzle, Wolf. Mexcans paint cans candy corn maize injuns engines! Goober ploober Main Street toilet seat --"


"Iran stan flim flam man jihad Pequod rod grod flod General Zod!"

"Rod grod flod General Zod?"

" Zod, America, Zod!"



And if you call within the next ten minutes, and we'll add a second bottle, free! That's a $39.95 value! Those nasty politicians and paid shills aren't going away any time soon, but now the power will be in your hands when your finger is on the trigger of The Amazing Translate-In-A-Bottle! Call now!"


Mary Ellen said...

I thought I heard Wolf say, "Bling blang blung, zabba yabba dabba doo piddly poo.", but I wasn't sure. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Randal. A bottle of that stuff and a big ol' roll of ShamWow to clean up the puke after listening to these guys and I'll be set for the rest of the year!

Joss Albért said...

I love CNN and Fox. But I heard a terrible rumour they were news networks. How I laughed from my belly!

Bubs said...

I don't think I could handle the truth like that. He'll have to keep the bottle.

Randal Graves said...

ME, just send me 39.95 and you too can have all of Wolf's phlegm cleared up!

joss, it's only a rumor. They're on par with E! and other tabloid television networks, only with more expensive suits.

bubs, but only the truth can set you free, at least until your dealer returns your calls.

susan said...

If you buy 2 bottles you can leave the tv set off. Just mix it with some Jim Beam for all the pundit clarity you'll ever need.

Liberality said...

What clever salesmanship there Randall. It's just that you forgot that good old red blooded Americans like the crap on a shingle they are being served.

Beach Bum said...

Billy Mays for president. He has an answer for everything.

Christopher said...


You want to make some money, come up with a blocking strip to place at the bottom of your TV screen to obscure that damned news crawl that started after 9/11.

I was thinking, solid black plastic, cut to fit the size of your TV screen and attach with some non-glue substance that won't mess-up the plastic surface.

Everyone I know and I suspect even people I don't know detest that fucking news crawl.

Patent it, manufacture it Guatemala where the labor costs are low and then sell it on TV.

Dean Wormer said...

I'll take a bottle.

On a side note- I never could figure how Zod got to be a general. What, do they have fluffy black blouse brigades on Krypton?

Bull said...

This is such a better idea than the snuggie.

Mainstream media - an institution that would make Goebbels proud.

Randal Graves said...

susan, that's a good idea. You truly cannot go wrong with a little bourbon and polysyllabic chemicals.

liberality, shhh! I'm hoping they're too stupid to realize that and buy my product anyway.

BB, plus, National Beard Appreciation Day would become a paid holiday.

christopher, normally I'd support that excellent idea, but then how will we know when the terrorists are up to and whether AMEX is down a quarter of a point?

dean, did you just call General Zod the MC Hammer of Krypton?

bull, achtung! I didn't know what a snuggie was for the longest time, now I see that damn commercial in my sleep. Bastards.

Utah Savage said...

Can you spray it in your bong? Maybe then I could stand more than a half a second of Lou Dobbs before I start throwing shoes at my TV. The minute I see that man's face I start screaming "You are an illegal immigrant you stupid motherfucker!" Will spraying it make me nicer, less of a potty mouth?

S.W. Anderson said...

I wonder, if you were to spray some of that stuff directly on Blitzer and the rest, if maybe they would start making sense, dispensing news that is news, carrying less water for their favored party and partisans, etc.? Might be worth a try.

And if that works, maybe spraying some on Billy Mays would cause him to speak instead of using his super-powerful diaphragm, voluminous lungs and castrati-soprano voice to shout every word, driving me flippin' nuts every time he comes on the tube, at extra-generous volume, thanks to DirecTV, BTW.

Suzi Riot said...

I think I'd prefer to live in linguistic ignorance in this case.

Lisa said...

I think maybe Billy had a nip or two of it. That would explain a lot.

pissed off patricia said...

Will I need a sham-wow with that? Will Billy Mays ever go away? Can I spray that stuff on my brain to take out the shit that was put in there over the last eight years? I got questions man.

MRMacrum said...

Why is it Billy never offers me something I need. Seems I have his tarnslator in a can already implanted. That's what I hear everytime.

What we really need is the guy selling those super duper sponge mats to offer up body bag sized ones for us to use instead of the translater in a can. One just hides the crap, the other might wipe it up. Problem is though we would need an endless supply. There is always more crap-meisters waiting in the wings. Do they go to a special college or something?

Randal Graves said...

utah, of course not. For that problem, you need our Swear-Away Mouthwash! Mmmm, minty fresh!

SWA, I'm not sure the technology is that advanced yet. But you can purchase our Inviso-Spray! Just a few squirts on the offending teevee personality and voila, instant rendition from the space-time continuum!

It's certainly bad enough that commercials are louder than the shows but BILLY MAYS MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE. BILLY MAYS HERE, BUY MY BILLY-CLEAN!

suzi, bleegle blargle bloogle?

lisa, well it is lethal in small doses. And please, good ventilation is a must.

POP, and I have the answers, for only three payments of $29.95!

mrmacrum, and then there's the problem of storage. Granted, crap is a bit more biodegradable than nuclear waste and makes fine compost, but isn't most of the soil contaminated already?

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

man, if only it were scratch and sniff, I might be tempted...

S.W. Anderson said...

MrMacrum wrote: "There is always more crap-meisters waiting in the wings. Do they go to a special college or something?"

Yes, a whole bunch of colleges: the (give-'em-the) business schools that turn out MBA's the way Yugo turned out really awful cars. For example, Yale, where George W. Bush got an MBA.

Anonymous said...

Put me down for a few bottles. That's the magic elixir I've been looking for. Ever consider a career in snake oil sales?

Dr. Zaius said...

I shall see your Translate-In-A-Bottle, and raise you a Sham-WOW!