Saturday, February 28, 2009

Where Am I Now?

As I usually do Saturday mornings at work before yokeldom starts streaming in with their electro-gadgetry and questions about how to operate a copier -- yes, you push the green button embossed with the word Start -- causing me to go into apoplectic fits, and if I don't already have anything special planned --

"As if anything at this dump could ever be qualified as special."















Well, isn't that special.

-- see, even the holy rollers are on my side -- I scour the intertubes looking for something to post about because what else am I going to do? Try reading and get interrupted every 38 seconds right in the middle of a long paragraph when you know damn well that my bibliographic biorhythm isn't like others because I try to shut off, even more so than normal, the ambient dumbassery of my immediate surroundings (this is the world's loudest library; it's in Guinness, look it up. Anyone have a Guinness?) which only gives the appearance of being rude to the customers and as everyone knows, I live only to serve you, the public thirsting for knowledge, I, your master of ceremonies at the traveling freak show just passing by on your mystical journey towards enlightenment.

"You could do some work."

In this top hat and tails?

"You could study for your Monday midterm."

Pourquoi ? Je suis le maître du Français, idiot. So after scrubbing for a bit with some Spic N Span (do they still make that?) I ran across this shot from this story --














-- and contemplated making a not-even-remotely comical Where Are They Now about how one day you're playing sold-out arena shows laying down a ponderously dull bottom end for Ratt, and the next you're providing material support to Al-Qaeda, having been driven there via the rib cook off circuit, apparently one harsh mistress.

"...."

Yeah, I know. Anyway, there was also this picture:














-- and I suppose I could have gone for a Joaquin Phoenix angle, but that's dead and I don't care because I honestly couldn't tell you what he's done outside of Gladiator and I would have to draw sunglasses using Paint and that would take a far steadier hand than I possess, but then I thought, hey, Rasputin, everyone loves the Mad Monk! but then I couldn't think of even a bad joke so I decided to say hell with it and here you go, today's post, but then.

Wait, what's this? Why, it's the legend himself! Rasputin! We're all so glad you could find time out of your busy schedule to visit us!








Мое удовольствие. Я никогда нет к блогу.

And might I add, that's a wonderfully full and manly beard, much more impressive than the pubescent stubble of those ineffectual mullahs.








Вы делаете потеху меня?

Making fun? Perish the thought, I have nothing but the utmost respect for someone able to help bring down the entrenched power structure that does nothing but enrich their coffers upon the broken backs of the people.








Вы оскорбляли неправильное монах, ленивую сволочь.

Lazy? Bum? That hurts, Grigori.

45 comments:

Christopher said...

I plan on not doing a damned thing today except play on the internet and nap.

This week was one for the record book and I am totally spent.

Utah Savage said...

Ok, I don't read Russian, and I have to admit I'm a little slow, but what does they guy we've tortured and held prisoner for what, 7, 8 yeas without charges or a speedy trial have to do with...Your imaginary heavy metal band or Rasputin? I know I'm old, and on top of that I'm sick and besides that I've had a terrible week, but still man, spell it out for me, will you? I come here for enlightenment. You're a librarian, where else would I go for enlightenment? A church? Are you kidding me? No Randal, you are my go-to-guy for enlightenment. Live with that burden.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, that's what weekends are designed for, perfecting the art of slacking.

utah, I don't read Russian either, but this is what Babel Fish spit out when I typed in some stuff. I don't even recall what I typed.

A few things: Ratt was a real band, they were certainly not metal and if you think I'm qualified to explain one of my posts, you must seek enlightenment and for that, you must break out a poofy dress and I have to wear a wig and breeches.

Übermilf said...

I still want to know how Milton Berle eating soup had anything to do with the lyrics of "Round and Round."

susan said...

Poisoned, shot three times, and having been beaten with a dumbbell, Rasputin still lived. He finally drowned after having been thrown through a hole in an icy river. Are you saying our military justice system is about as efficient as the Russian aristocracy before the revolution?

Bubs said...

Your musings on Rasputin and the beards are fine, but what I found really striking was the awesome mullet in that second photo. I mean, wow.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I think it has something to do with either 1)his status as a well-endowed actor or 2)his groundbreaking role in Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?

susan, moi? Certainly not, merely that he had a cool beard.

bubs, I couldn't believe my good fortune. You simply don't find them outside the cracker NASCAR/hockey milieu these days.

Katie Schwartz said...

You are sick, dark, hilarsquared and wrong on so many levels I wouldn't know where to begin. IF YOU EVER CHANGE, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND NOSH ON YOUR BALLS WITH A CHAINSAW.

xo
cuntareena

Randal Graves said...

I think I just got a gird in my loins.

Mauigirl said...

Randal, you are some kind of genius. Your stream-of-consciousness blog posting is reminiscent of James Joyce - if he had Google Images. And the comments are equally impressive here.

Tom Harper said...

Speaking of "where are they now" -- is it true that Osama bin Laden used to be Cat Stevens' rhythm guitarist?

Beach Bum said...

...could have gone for a Joaquin Phoenix angle, but that's dead and I don't care because I honestly couldn't tell you what he's done outside of Gladiator...

I last saw Joaquin wearing an aluminum foil hat with Mel Gibson in Signs.

I'm up to my armpits in mys son's teenage friends playing X-box. I'll finish up your meme tomorrow.

Mary Ellen said...

One day, Randal, I'm going to walk into your library and start asking you some of the most inane questions you've ever heard and I'm going to keep asking them and following you around just to piss you off. You'll never recognize me in my Habit because I'll be wearing sunglasses and a fake beard. Bwahahahahaha! I'm just so smart...s-m-r-t, smart!

Randal Graves said...

mauigirl, I love all you commenters. If I was a rich, bailed-out banker, I would give each of new a crisp new dollar bill.

tom, I believe so. Did he leave in a spat because Cat wouldn't give him proper songwriting credit for the lyrics to Peace Train?

BB, I think that X-Box owns your house. Still Guitar Hero, or is there a new eardrum shredder afoot?

ME, since you just told me your disguise, I'll know, which means you'll know which means you'll change it. I'll be on the lookout for Wonder Woman!

Jang-chub Ozer said...

So that green button really dose means start? Of cource since some of the libraries have switched their copiers from coins to debit cards, it's become hopelessly complicated. I just don't bother these days. ;)

Lisa said...

And here all I could think was how mullets went from being bad hair to terrorist activity.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I know this is just story telling.

Like the Romanov's, Rasputin is just not that in to you.

Regards,

Tengrain

Randal Graves said...

jang, oh, there are card readers at some of them, but at the end of the day, one must always press the little green button. ;-)

lisa, I think Hamas adopted acid-wash jeans as part of their suicide bombing garb.

tengrain, that's fine, because I'm sure he'll die this time.

Dr. Zaius said...

...And then they served onion rings, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except the marmoset.

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