Friday, February 27, 2009

Is everyone fucking stupid today?

Minions, bring me one of these --



"Holy fuck, that album came out twenty years ago. And you, of all people, certainly wouldn't have minions."

Shut up, brain, I'm trying to make an important point. Yes, one of those for all of you below.













Do you have, like, books?
What's, like, the something something? I need it for class.
Are there, like, computers?

Huff n' puff, sure, I'll be more than ecstatic to gird my loins and suffer the twenty-seven agonizing minutes of you, O vigorous recusant, conducting Her Majesty's Business with that most continental iImplant MySpace Robot Phone, knowing the sweet, sweet bounty of your perfumed queries awaits this humble soul. No, please, I beg of thee, complete your final 738 keystrokes, each one of far more import than anything I could possibly imagine in my feeble mind, as I'm still getting paid, undeserving as I am, by the shilling, though the other nobles behind you in line might succumb to a particularly robust case of the blood boils. Oh, they're also with the Borg delegation? Uh, yeah, RIFF RIFF RIFF like, um, like you see, BEAT BEAT BEAT like, hey man, like BASS BASS BASS where are hang on a sec GLOSSY HOOK GLOSSY HOOK GLOSSY HOOK oh yeah um your PROCESSED VOCALS PROCESSED VOCALS PROCESSED VOCALS those word things, books?

Sorry, the shiny object distracted me from giving a damn.

"You're really enjoying your ascent into curmudgeon-hood."

Oh, hell yeah.

Two things wrong with that picture: 1) I'm not a chick and 2) I don't smile.

Two things right with this post: 1) It kept me from having to lay more bad verse on you folks and 2) I like complaining about work because it often inspires others to complain about their jobs and if America is in short supply of anything, it's jobs courtesy complaining.














Being inspirational is my calling. Amen.

19 comments:

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

(I've decided I'm going to start all comments to you with that phrase, it has a nice ring to it, methinks.)

As a fresh member of the unemployed set, I have no job to complain about. Do you have an entitlement program in the works for me to complain about other people's jobs, perhaps?

How can I participate?

What about the children?

Regards,

Tengrain

Bull said...

I don't know if anyone who hasn't been there really understands how many fucking idiots actually ask that question...or state, "I'm looking for a book".

Really? Well shit we carry about 100000000 of them...have at it.

Mary Ellen said...

Gee, and here I was coming to your blog to ask you if you ever heard of that book...you know, the one about the guy who talked to that other guy? You know which one I'm talking about, don't you? It's the book that everyone is reading, the one with the red cover on it....or is it blue? Anyway, when you figure out the name of the book, let me know. After all, you don't have anything else to think about today, right?

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, I agree and hope that you continue to use it.

Well, we do have an internship, and if you show promise in your bitchery, then perhaps one day you too can find employment with us.

Of course, we have need of a chef at the library, 'cause bookin' makes one hungry.

As for the children, I'm sick of thinking about them.

bull, "you know, THAT book, duh." Cuts across all possible lines, whipper snappers, old bastards, dudes, chicks, black, white, yellow, green, purple, brown, magenta, Jesushead, Laveyan, radical atheist, Sufi, pothead.

ME, no no no! It was one guy who talked to one guy, but then talked to a girl who talked to the first guy. No, I have nothing else to think about except why you and everyone else comes here woefully unprepared. This ain't CPAC and I ain't the hired help.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, hassles caused you by electronics call for an electronic solution. I'm thinking one very large, powerful electromagnet behind and under the reception desk.

When Miss Totally Connected steps up with an iPod pumping rhythm to her brain or is too busy texting on her cell phone to conduct her business with you in an expeditious way, hit the button and point to a sign that says:

"You are in an Electronic Gadget Neutralization Zone. All resistance is futile. State your business, then move away. Your electronics should work again. However, YMMV.

"Have a nice day."


Of course, if you want to be sporting about this approach you'll need to post a warning AHEAD of the Electronic Gadget Neutralization Zone directing elderly patrons who have a pacemaker to an information desk just for them.

The Storialist said...

Hilarious.

Have you ever seen Carol of Little Britain(youtube please!), speaking of love for customers? Her famous line to customers is a weary, "oh...computer says no."

Thanks for the comment on my poem today!

Liberality said...

in our neck of the woods we look down on chat. sort of. and cell phones too. hell, we hates the technogadgitswhatthefuckaretheydoingnow stuff just cuz. it's two teenagers chatting with each other side by side on the computers--they can't like talk to each other face to face ya know. and the obnoxious patron who is discussing their love life on their cell phone for everyone to hear--whether we want to hear it or not and then said patron getting upset when I ask them to take their private conversation out into the foyer. ugh! it's all the people on their myspace, blogger, facebook, twitter, texting blackberries that are driving me to drink I tell ya ;)

Lisa said...

You are a very funny man. I'm sure the coeds especially appreciate your sense of humor because they have such a fond appreciation for cultural things.

Okay, all seriousness aside, do a bitch a favor and increase the point size of your posts because my eyes are fucking failing me these days.

Pretty please?

Dr. Zaius said...

You are not yet a full fledged Curmudgeon, young Jedi. You are only a Junior Curmudgeon. You are a Cursmudgeon.

Beach Bum said...

If "normal people" asking for a book in a library gets to you come down here to good old South Carolina where we have sections devoted to deer hunting. Standing in line with someone dressed in full camo looking over the illustrate manual on how to properly field dress a deer is surreal.

okjimm said...

What Libs said. Driving to drink. It is the designated driver later that was always the problem. I can drive there just fine thamk you!

S.W. Anderson said...

Lisa, if your browser is Firefox, go to the View menu (at top), go down to Zoom and click on zoom in. Alternatively, hit Ctrl ++.

If you're using Internet Explorer, go to the View menu and look for (I think) Text Size and click the larger-size option.

I'm sure Safari and other browsers offer the same capability, if you check out the menus or help function. They all have a reset, zoom out or some such to undo the enlargement.

Omnipotent Poobah said...

Of course they're stupid. Why would today be any different from any other day?

Tom Harper said...

I was looking for a blog, you know, the one about, uh, well, you know, somebody writing and posting about stuff. You know the one I mean.

susan said...

Strolling hand in hand,
on a blue sky warm spring day,
engaged in fervent conversation, isolated.

She, on her cell phone,
He, on his.

There, now you have some bad poetry in your comments so all is not lost.

okjimm said...

Hey, what Tengrain said..

“Graves, you swine..”
I like it. It has a certain panache..
Anyways,youse guys gotz any drunken cracker heads in dis libriy?

Randal Graves said...

SWA, that's an excellent idea. I will pass that on to administration. Perhaps those with pacemakers and other essential gadgets, such as an on-call world-class neurosurgeon's Crackberry, can rent out anti-EM shielding. I know they didn't have any when Snake Plissken ended everything, but that was last century.

storialist, computers, computers everywhere, so I'll have to steal that line!

liberality, I was heading up the stairs the other day and this woman was sitting there blabbing on her cell, all sprawled out as if she was at home, making no attempt to move for the people going up or down.

Ah, the very intimate personal conversation played at maximum volume. Aren't those entertaining?

Look, technology is great, but really, turn it off for five seconds. It won't kill ya. ;-)

lisa, don't get me started on those damn young people.

You want me to decrease the font? Is that what you asked? I'm sorry, my eyesight is going bad.

dr. zaius, you ask the impossible!

BB, you know, as tempting as that sounds, I think I'll pass. I'd hate to get shot if we don't have the May 1978 issue of Field and Stream.

okjimm, this is why bars should have cots set up. What if your designated driver ends up drunk and all the phones were busted in the last mob brawl and you live miles from home?

OP, sometimes when you wake up with a hangover, you start hallucinating about a better world with magical ponies and marijuana vending machines.

tom, isn't that where Irish highwaymen bury their victims?

susan, I wouldn't say it's bad, but the imagery is certainly as disturbing as a dinner party with Chimpy and Pickles.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, I've often thought about keeping a small flask in my desk. For medicinal purposes.

Jang-chub Ozer said...

"Is everyone fucking stupid today?"

D'uh is that like a trick question, 'cause i'm not good at those. Punktuation neither.