Friday, February 20, 2009

"May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"

"I hate those spammers."

Besides having to deal with punks, troublemakers, n'er-do-wells, never-will-bes and the rambunctious ghost of John Belushi, Dean Wormer is also saddled with the additional

and not the kind that exotic Hawaiian Monty Python fans enjoy, but stringy, bland dishes cooked up by internets robots grilling in China or swilling in Russia whose culinary power is so effective, we're all but forced to buy things in mass quantities to fund the bulk purchase of WD-40 for said robots. No one wants a squeaky The Google.

Why should you buy things wholesale?
It's the discerning consumer's holy grail,
like a film crew avoiding Christian Bale.
Imagine a surplus stock for your lunch pail,
or when imitating Jesus, an extra nail --
carpentry, sheesh! Don't send me to jail
because of one very important detail
and that is lack of access to email.
Hey, Nigerian riches don't come via snail --
though it would be safer than hunting quail
with you-know-who. Remember that tale?
Wonder what passes for his white whale.
Probably not a gay romp o'er hill and dale,
but lady justice's big ole -- cover those up! -- scale.
One more thing, is it me, or is this bread stale?
That's what I get for buying wholesale.


Dean Wormer said...

1) You win the bet and the marbles.

2) Hey, Nigerian riches don't come via snail --

though it would be safer than hunting quail.

The pop culture and poltical stuff you're able to wrap into your poems never cease to amaze me. You have a singular gift and

4)(Because 3 is on a smoke break) I'm going to swear off any more Randal dares for the time being. I have to head down to Costco anyway. I suddenly have wholesale on the mind.

Übermilf said...

You're weird.

The PTA ladies would never let you in the door, let alone actually play Bunco.

Of course, they DO enjoy talking about shopping

susan said...

Very nice recovery on that pass. A definite 3 pointer on the delivery.

I got one of those and just deleted it. Shows my lack of humor and creativity.

Randal Graves said...

dean, if anyone should be distributing praise or swords from ponds, it is I, for you thought up a post so I wouldn't have to.

Don't forget the 50 lb. bag of sugar and six-gallon tub of mayo or Mrs. Wormer will have your head!

übermilf, they wouldn't? Not even if I wore assless chaps à la David Lee Roth?

I enjoy shopping for books.

susan, I never get spam or trolls, which is why I had to go to someone else's place for such things to be thrown in my face.

Liberality said...

I bow down to your powers of poetic license. That's a whole lot of _____!

S.W. Anderson said...

Wholesale, Costco, oh yes. Great buys on two half-gallon jugs of shampoo lashed together for the ages by a vinyl harness designed to hold up to assaults with an acetylene torch.

How about an eight-pound hemisphere of Swiss cheese? And, would you believe, a six-pack of of 42-inch LCD TV's for less than the down payment, should you buy a recently foreclosed no-tell motel?

Or, you could go with the 18-pound frozen lasagna/six 24-inch pizzas combo deal and get a coupon good for half price on two kegs of Miller Lite — for the weight conscious, of course. And don't forget the 850-tablet bottle of Tums.

Better hurry, though, because word has it the repo guys have been combing the parking lot again, and they're traveling in packs. No sense hauling your industrial cart laden with 800 lbs. of merchandise all the way out there only to discover your SUV's long gone.

Utah Savage said...

Now I bet Dean Wormer is in love with you. Your wife should be jealous.

Dr. Zaius said...

What does Captain Ahab have to do with Nigerian spammers?

Tom Harper said...

Speaking of spam, whatever happened to all those comments that went like:

Hi! You have a great blog here! I hope you'll stop by my website and see the great deals I can get for you on ________________.

Beach Bum said...

I haven't gotten too many spammers or trolls but I'm up to my armpits in rich Nigerian widows, disgraced Nigerian politicians, and elderly missionaries in some other African country sending me emails to help them get their money out of the continent.

Mauigirl said...

An excellent poem about wholesale! Well done, and thanks to Dean Wormer for inspiring, er, I mean, daring you to do it.

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

that's the nice thing about where we live now. No Coscto, no q-tips that will last a couple 5 years. It's all fresh, small quantities, shop local, shop everyday. Plus people here don't have huge fridges, cabinets, store all that crap!

Randal Graves said...

liberality, bullshit? ;-)

SWA, stop Stop STOP! You're going to make us all want to rent one of those extra-large U-Hauls and go on a shopping frenzy!

utah, I assure you that it's purely platonic. Though he IS my favorite Oregonian now that the wanker Greg Oden got hurt again.

dr. zaius, hey, those seafaring voyages ain't cheap. You can make some good scratch from employing Nigerian spammers.

tom, I've wondered that myself. Spam is usually much more abstract than it used to be. Even the criminals are getting all postmodern.

BB, I'm just glad I found out that this Scotch/German/Polish dude has so many blood relatives in Nigeria. I never would have guessed!

mauigirl, that's about the extent of any dares. I'll leave the jumping off a roof to the professionals!

NVJ, I don't know, that sounds kind of socialist to me. What if you need a q-tip in 2012, ever think of that?

Distributorcap said...

can you come clean up my spam?

Anonymous said...

Imagine a surplus stock for your lunch pail,
or when imitating Jesus, an extra nail

Dude, after reading this line, I'm going to run out and buy the marbles wholesale on Broadway and 29th Street. Just tell me where to send them.