Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ye Olde Clerkes

"Verily, our employ wuld be exceptionell if not fower these cusstomers of fuckerie."

Dearest jerkface patronnes, thou with thine face markede by vareed wrynkles, straines and scars of jerkerie, furtherest thou whine, bitche and moane as if a memberr of Parliament, lesse inclyned am I to helpeth thee. I say unto thee, rejoyce in the Ways of the Lord and shew unto Him thy gratitude, fower the King's Goode Lawe doth preventeth me from implementynge the racke, a garrotynge, impaylement on a pike, or strikynge thee with a cat o' nine tails in thy face of jerkerie itselfe.

"Sheesh. Should we send them to Guanatanamo?"

Why not. Like the video store, it'll be open for awhile.

Also open for business, Bolivia.

“We know that Bolivia can become the Saudi Arabia of lithium,” said Francisco Quisbert, 64, the leader of Frutcas, a group of salt gatherers and quinoa farmers on the edge of Salar de Uyuni, the world’s largest salt flat. “We are poor, but we are not stupid peasants. The lithium may be Bolivia’s, but it is also our property.”

Nobody puts America in the corner!

Gotta go, Michael Vincent just found me a new job!


Mary Ellen said...

Looks like 'Merika is gonna have to declare Bolivia a terrorist country and use a little shock and awe on 'em. That'll git that thar lithium! Damn bastard turrists!

MRMacrum said...

Suddenly an image of a landscape covered in little pills passed behind my eyes and I was awestruck. Almost as impressed as when a child, I read a headline about some battle on The Plain of Jars in SE Asia. For prior to that I had learned the enemy often fought in barefeet. Certainly an admirable manly way to go, but how did they fare on that plain of jars I always wondered.

Anyway, always dredging up my past aren't you?

Dean Wormer said...

I'm pretty sure Chaucer never used the word "jekface" although I have to believe he would've loved to given the chance.

Sherry Peyton said...

Aha, I've figured it out.The inside of your skull is the same as my husbands! A pinball machine in action!

Christopher said...

I thought I was wadding through the beginning of Ulysses. Either that, or my screen was smudged! :-)

susan said...

Lithium is used to treat the manic episodes including hyperactivity, poor judgment, aggression, and anger. I think we have a solid customer base even without the auto industry.

Bubs said...

Wow. Was this whole thing just a setup to show a cool Nirvana video?

Randal Graves said...

ME, the hubris of Bolivia to exist above our deposits!

mrmacrum, what if those jars were full of tainted peanut butter, you might die before the battle even commenced. Where's the honor in that?

dean, you've never read The Jerkface's Tale?

sherry, are you saying I'm a mechanical construct? I'm not Cheney!

christopher, so this post needs some Amazing Translate-In-A-Bottle? ;-)

susan, an excellent point. Now, if we could only find a way to transmute junk mail into treatment of something.

bubs, hell no sir, it was a setup to tell you all about my new job! Michael Vincent can help you, too!

La Belette Rouge said...

Is Bolivia where the Bi-polar bears live?

Übermilf said...

I thought lithium was used for something else entirely.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, zing! The country's name always makes me think of botulism and liver, two things I find loathsome.

übermilf, I'd ask my wife how often she has to change the lithium batteries in her vibrator, but I'd probably end up on the couch for another week.

thatgirl said...

Haha, I almost posted a clip from this show the other day.

Tom Harper said...

Hey, I just realized. One of those guys in Clerks has the same name as you! Wow, what a coincidence :)

Yes, Bolivia has Weapons of Mass Destruction. We must take decisive action. And never forget, most of the 9/11 hijackers were from Bolivia.

Beach Bum said...

Saw President Morales on the "Daily Show" a while back and despite the propaganda about him kissing Hugo Chavez's butt I have to admit I liked the guy better than I do Bush or Cheney. Of course I love the dog shit I cleaned off my shoes yesterday when I compare it to Bush and Cheney.
I hope Morales sticks to his guns and doesn't let the rest of the world run over his country again.

Utah Savage said...

And today we have Chenney all over the fucking airwaves doing his Darth Vadar scary old bastard routine. He's staying in DC. We'll never get rid of him now.

What were you writing about?

S.W. Anderson said...

Interesting story on the Bolivian lithium. Thanks for pointing it out.

This is all the more reason why converting the bulk of our national vehicle fleet to electricity is not our best move.

What is our best move? A crash program like the Manahattan Project to convert our vehicle fleet to hydrogen fuel cell power. Might take government subsidies to make sure fueling stations would be available and people could afford hydrogen-powered cars, but it would be worth it in the long run. We would be freed from dependence on Mideast oil, the environmental benefit would be incalculable and we would be able to sell the new technology abroad for quite some time.

Good plan, that, but thanks to Bush & Co. we probably can't afford it. Our finances are so screwed up, we'd have to borrow too much of the money from abroad.

pissed off patricia said...

You have no idea how lost I am after reading this post. I think I just hurt something in my head. Hope you have a good lawyer.

Randal Graves said...

thatgirl, time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some fresh Carolina tobacco because I don't want that sheriff going after me like he is after Phelps.

tom, but of course, he became famous while I remain stuck in Cleveland. Bastard!

Cheney knows the next attack is coming from there. The sooner we go in, the better.

utah, don't worry, Unka Dick is still being talked about on the tube this morning. Which, obviously, is of far more import than the half-assed stimulus, I mean, socialist spending, bill, which is what I was talking about.

SWA, I'm glad you mentioned the colossal monkey wrench of borrowing in your otherwise quality plan. A shame we're fucked.

Hmm. Don't think China would let us borrow any more? What's a few hundred billion among friends? We can continue turning blind eyes to their spitting on civil rights and dumping crap into their environment that would make even Inhofe blush.

POP, like I could afford a lawyer. Who do I look like, David Vitter?

Anonymous said...

I felt like I just watched a re-run of Happy Days reading this post. I've seen this before. How long will it be before we recognize Bolivia's new ruling junta. After all, what were those poor folks going to do with all the lithium anyway?

Distributorcap said...

why cant you just star in a movie like Willie Wonka and the chocolat factory