Friday, February 6, 2009

Love is for suckers

As I tried and failed last year, and tried and failed many years before that, I plan on trying and failing to win fabulous prizes via the local classical radio station's Valentine's Day poetry contest again this year.

Think the following has a shot?


Did you even read it?

"Why? I know you wrote it."


Dearest wife! a gift, you crazy loon?
The money'll run out with a quickness, and soon,
for th'economy, yours n' mine, lies in shambles;
I feel like we've sprinted through brambles,
our skin slashed and torn open wide,
carried off on the blood-dimmed tide --
yeah, I thieved that bit, what's it to you?
Don't make me toss my tattered shoe
because, radiowaves, we're just about through.

Every year you wankers pick some chump
whose verse is worse than a thing that goes bump
in the bowl of my toilet after a pot of beans,
you goddamn weenies; it certainly seems
that you have no poesy in your bones.
Oh, I've tried melodrama, dulcet tones,
comedy and such -- grumble, I'm beside myself.
Might as well steal from that Ronsard on the shelf.
Sigh. Unka Dick, line? Go fuck yourself.


okjimm said...

//Go fuck yourself.//

Break me up. Especially the last line. Bound it impress ANY judge of quality poetry. IN FACT!!! Iffen I were da judge, I would award you an all expenses* paid vacation at
Refrigerators/Microwaves/Coffee pots in all rooms
Heated Outdoor Swimming Pool
Wireless Internet
Continental Breakfast
Fire Pit
Charcoal Grills
Snowmobile from parking lot
ATV trails nearby
Hiking/Canoeing Nearby
Restaurants Nearby

So, if you are nearby... on 2/14 only.... stop for your all expenses* paid getaway!!!

All Rooms Newly Remodeled
Call for Trucker and Construction Rates.

*you pay all the expenses.

Anonymous said...

Damn it Randal. Send me an email address to that damn radio station. They need to hear from me about knowing talent when they see it. Oh and BTW.... did you give this to your wife with a red rose and some lingerie?

Mary Ellen said...

Oh wow...I can't understand why they would turn that poem down, it has it all...spirit, passion, anger, sex--"Go fuck yourself" counts for sex, right?

Really, you made my heart go piddy-pat with that poem, it's a sure winner.

Maybe you need to stick to the basic, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue kinda thing.

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
If you don't pick my poem
It's cement shoes for you

(That's the Chicago way to win a contest)

MRMacrum said...

Sure, I say go for it.
If they didn't like your wit
Maybe they'll like your lip.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, you had me at coffee pots and I'm choosing that the you refers to someone else that isn't me. You don't think so? But you do. You sure do, you.

spartacus, do plastic roses and g-strings count?

Actually, I didn't send this one is and I'm not sure the tone is conducive to victory.

ME, if 'go fuck yourself' counts for sex, then was Cheney coming on to Leahy? Shudder!

I thought you guys brought out tommy guns. ;-)

mrmacrum, and then they'll ban my IP.

Dean Wormer said...

Working "wankers" into a poem = genius.

Mary Ellen said...

Maybe I'll enter the contest. It will be just my luck that I'll win even if I couldn't write poetry or prose if my life depended on it. If I win, randal, I'll give you and your wife the prize cuz I don't want to drive to Cleveland just to sleep with my husband, when I could save the gas money and do it here.

Übermilf said...

If you really need to know what love is, perhaps you should check here.

You're welcome.

Randal Graves said...

dean, thanks, I'm pretty proud of that myself. I'm convinced that if Shakespeare were alive, he'd use it as well.

ME, oh shit, if I won, I'd have to sleep with my wife. You just saved me some misery. Thanks!

Oh, wife, I kid, I kid.

übermilf, I now know what vomiting is. How sappy do you think I am?

Utah Savage said...

Well, aside form the costly divorce, I'm pretty sure you've got a lock on winning the contest this year.

susan said...

So where's the 'Viagra-saturated, pill-popping senior comedian' poem you promised last year? Has something changed?

I'll return to check out your next attempt but this one really does show promise. I like the part about sprinting through the brambles.

Tom Harper said...

A heartwarming poem. Go for it.

Bull said...

You know, if the station didn't pick the poem you wrote last year, then fuck 'em they aren't worth the effort.

The second verse - with it's transition from fecal metaphors to literary devices to auto-copulation is beautiful. Abandoning the traditional cri du coeur for a sort of enfant terrible au jus and other French sounding stuff...cuz I know you dig that shit.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

randal, how do I love thee? t'is impossible to count the many ways. the breadth and depth of thy poesie, nay the vicissitude with which thee compose thy prose ... perchance it is thy witty, scathing humour, thine intellect, thy weakness for the sport... or mayhaps thy bad taste in music?

in every way thy writing is a balm to my spirit, a soothing refreshment for my soul. t'is thee who are my blogger valentine.

(mais oui, a mon avis ... l'amour n'existe pas ... sauf par l'internet!)

Distributorcap said...

if you dont win, send them to me

Randal Graves said...

utah, neither of us have any loot, so it'll be a real cheap one.

susan, I thought pill-popping was too ubiquitous, so I went with an IV theme, but then there were too many lines about bodily fluids, quite grisly and unlovable.

tom, you can never go wrong with a little Cheney on Valentine's Day.

bull, I figured why not add a little Rabelaisian spice. Though I should probably translate 'fuck' into French so I don't get tossed in the garbage.

JNRR, verily, I shall ignore thy aspersions caste at my musick but only for your kinde wordes. A ton avis, l'amour n'existe que si l'on est fait d'électrons ? L'humanité ne peut pas aimer, mais un ordinateur, ou un robot peut-il ? See, scoffers at my use of Cheney!

dcap, too bad they don't take anything longer than fourteen lines, I could have sent them one of your movie scripts. Anything with Condi and Pickles is a sure winner.

Betty C. said...

No so sure about the poem, but the photo is great. Did you add the caption?

Randal Graves said...

How can you dislike a poem with such lovely imagery? I was going to add a caption, but through the magic of Bush, there those words appeared!