Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Damn hell ass kings

Having an extra day away from work and purposely cutting oneself off from the world, including the internets, is quite liberating and solitary in the richest, most joyful sense of the word because most everything and everyone is full of shit, except you of course, you're the best, you bastards. Aside from the missing regalia, the purple trappings of empire, and actual power over the miserable lives of your subjects, I'm sure it's quite similar to being royalty.

Which got me thinking on the bus this morning on multiple things, two of which carried great import, the rest being the daily dose of silent aspersions and barbs thrown at various and sundry, required for the upkeep of my sanity: I had, as on most days, no post at the ready and no access to livestock, thus haruspicy as an aide was out of the question. Plus, they'd probably make me clean up all the blood and subsequent vomit from the other passengers. Secondly, are we denizens of the internets not already royalty? Within the legendary, mythic cycles of all the great civilizations, must not the hero make a perilous descent into and through the underworld, the ineffable darkness, a hell that cleanses the soul of fear and guilt, preparing it for the monumental tasks that loom ahead, its shadow consuming every step?

Do we not, crawling into the Stevens Tubes, mimic Odysseus and Beowulf and Frodo and Bill Kristol as we trudge through the murky depths of hardcore pornography and RSS feeds? Are we not mythic heroes?

So embrace your destiny, grab your sword, and chop someone's head off.


MRMacrum said...

The fact that you had no livestock handy on the bus is proof the situation is not hopeless. Or maybe it is. But no livestock, not even a chicken or two indicates that we do not exist in a 3rd World country. Be grateful and next time grab another passenger and close your eyes. Imagine fur instead of liver spots and you will do just fine.

Christopher said...

Are we royalty?

Nah. At least I hope not. I think the world's remaining royals should be eaten or used for medical science.

Along with the rich.

Is that wrong?

Dusty said...

Billy Fucking Kristol? You compare us to that bag of batshit?

Dude..we are better than that...much better.

Mary Ellen said...

I've already fulfilled by quota of heads to be chopped, however, I will take the title of royalty. Now...where the hell did I put my tiara, and where are my loyal subjects? I'm still waiting for my fucking royal breakfast!

okjimm said...

Boy.... //we trudge through the murky depths of hardcore pornography .............grab your sword// ????

Whatta you do on your extra day off? hmmmmmmmmm

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, given the way things are going, we all might be wading through livestock sooner rather than later, though I believe I will take you up on your suggestion.

christopher, it's not wrong, but even with teriyaki sauce, I can't imagine humans taste very good.

Any cannibals out there that can answer that for us?

dusty, that sounds like something you'd say, commie!

nunly, if there's Wonder Woman hotpants, I'll bring you some corn flakes.

okjimm, what I always do. Read Scripture. Amen.

Lisa said...

So when you say "grab your sword," you really mean sword or are you euphemising?

I just don't want to grab the wrong thing......

Christopher said...


Speak for yourself. My partner Jim tastes perfectly delicious.

Christopher said...

So when you say "grab your sword," you really mean sword or are you euphemising?

Lisa, I just got it! FOFLMAO! :-)

Mathman6293 said...

Hey Randall, I have not been around lately. So even though I did not actually read your post, I thought I would say hello. "Hello"

Dean Wormer said...

Thank you for making spanking the monkey to internet porn sound majestic.

I think the bard was talking about internet porn when he wrote:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.

Übermilf said...

I thought the band Rush wrote those lines, Dean.

I don't think I'm royalty so much as I suffer from delusions of grandeur.

Utah Savage said...

Livestock on the bus is the dead giveaway that we have become a third world country. But we have had many high flying examples of this third world thing coming in with birds taped to legs and eggs in undies. Isn't that proof of some kind?

And I too want to know what you do on a day off. I'm betting internet porn and wrestling with your wife prior to WWI or whatever it's called.

Anonymous said...

So Randal... um.. uh.... nothing new about the Cavaliers or Indians? Some A-Rod hate mail? I'm just sayin...

Snave said...

Ahhh, the legendary Tubes of Stevens... Is that a pornographic thought? Gawd forbid! I need to keep from regurgitating my lunch across my keyboard!

Randal Graves said...

lisa, I think you all have your mind in the gutter. I was honestly suggesting a nationwide rash of beheadings. We don't have guillotines like those wimpy frogs, thus, swords.

christopher, I'll have to take your word for it!

mathman, you didn't miss anything good, believe me.

dean, now what did I just say? This is why America needs more Jesus, you heathen pervs.

Good thing there wasn't an internets back then, Shakespeare and Marlowe and the gang wouldn't have written anything with all those swanky Elizabethan collar porn to ogle.

übermilf, but through those delusions you can project a royalness upon your surroundings.

And if anyone dares question your authority, the sword. Spitballs work as well if you don't have access to bladed weapons, but make sure you put little rocks inside or they won't hurt as much.

utah, birds taped to legs? Is that some weird David Vitter sexaholism thing?

Tell you what I do on my days off? And reveal the extent of just how boring I truly am?

spartacus, I do indeed loathe A-Fraud, but I'm hoping my Cavs do something. Too bad the fucking Wizards backed out of a Jamison-Szczerbiak trade. They want to see what they do when Arenas and Haywood get back. Yeah, it's called 45-37 and a first round exit. Fuckers.

Randal Graves said...

snave, No! I certainly didn't mean it that way, Dr. Freud! Now I have to go drink heavily.

Christopher said...

I wish I liked alcohol more.

susan said...

I'm thinking the western world would be a lot less troublesome if every week began with a holiday Monday and then we all got Fridays off. The other three days could be optional work days depending on mood.

Tom Harper said...

OK, it'll be your fault. I'm gonna take your advice, grab my sword and chop someone's head off. Allah Akbar!

Beach Bum said...

...must not the hero make a perilous descent into and through the underworld, the ineffable darkness...

Yeah, its called entering my son's room.

As for embracing my destiny I'd just as soon take a nap.

S.W. Anderson said...

"So embrace your destiny, grab your sword, and chop someone's head off."

"I was honestly suggesting a nationwide rash of beheadings."

Well, it might be under way:

" (CNN) -- A Buffalo, New York-area man accused of beheading his estranged wife made his first appearance in court Wednesday to face murder charges, according to the district attorney.

"Muzzammil Hassan, 44, is charged with second-degree murder in the death of his 37-year-old wife, Aasiya Zubair Hassan, days after she filed for divorce and was granted a restraining order against him."

Faded said...

No sword, No destiny, perhaps?

Dr. Zaius said...

You should really use a [SPOILER] tag before talking about the new season of LOST like this.

anita said...

i think the occasional trip to the dark side, to the underworld, or shall i say the "underbelly" of life is (and must be) a pre-qualifier (pre-requisite?) to receiving one's ultimate crown or gilded armour of life.

ha ha !! like that means anything. i crack myself up trying to be "deep."

Randal Graves said...

christopher, pas de problème, pass your share this way, I'll make sure it doesn't go to waste.

susan, as if that would stimulate the economy, pinko.

tom, I meant to say enhanced interrogation techniques. There, that oughta keep me out of the slammer.

BB, have you thought about outsourcing such a dangerous undertaking? I hear Blackwater is now in the nice business.

SWA, hey, that happened before I posted. And believe me, Joe or Jane Citizen is waaaay down the list of fuckers who I'd love to see separated from their noggin.

faded, is a butter knife okay?

dr. zaius, oh don't worry, I'm sure after the next batch of unresolved plot threads, everyone will have forgotten all about it.

anita, you can't fool me with your nihilism. I know you want one of those crowns they put in Burger King happy meals.

Sherry Peyton said...

mmmm Big Whopper! That's about as close to the kingdom as I'm getting. You sound saner than usual today Randal, the break was good for ya. But, I have misplaced my sword (pronouced sue-ward) and but have my trusty mail or is that male or maile or whatever. Heavy bugger. I'm looking for my trusty stead and I think I see a windmill afar off, Pancho Villa or Gonzales or something to that effect is at my door. Laters dude!

Freida Bee said...

Your courtship attempts have thus farly fallen onto deaf ears, it seems. YES. A drag queen I shall make thee then! Lift the cloth of the one you see seated next to you on the bus come Tuesday and ye shall behold a barnyard animal like none other ye hath prior.

In that moment you will know our union is complete, and strike then ye must! (But, tell the tale you must for the prophecy to be fulfilled.)