Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Might as well face it, you're addicted to addictive stuff that's addicting

Revenge is dish best served cold, apparently.














Not exactly what I had in mind. Though I am hungry.

Alright Noo Yawk, I tag you, you tag me, blood is shed weeks later or whenever the tag was I can't remember, someone calls the cops and soon the internets ends up on one of those Investigation: Discovery shows as a suspect spoken about in hushed tones by an informant hidden in the shade spewing forth a bad Peter Frampton outtake. I see how the game is played. Well, my corpse does.

The deceased is required to talk about five items that he was addicted to before he shuffled off this mortal coil, then tag five others. We're assuming his wife has run off to Europe with Randal's vast wealth, so we can only guess at his vices.

"Do corpses always talk in the third person?"

The corpse is glad you asked.

"...."

Five addictions:

1. Music. The most interstellar brobdingnagian of duhs. If given the choice of forsaking their hearing or their sight, most would likely retain the latter because of its everyday usefulness, especially when it comes to safety issues such as pushing little old ladies out of the way to cross the street and going hunting with Dick Cheney. I, on the other hand, would have to think about it. Music, whether alternately intricate and propulsive chamber, depressive and downbeat neo-folkery, soaring symphonic epics or strings of skullcrushing divebomb riffs forged in Tartarus, is worse than crack. I have never had crack, but I am listening to music right now.

2. Writing. I'm being vaguely misleading here because there are days where I don't physically write, which is apparently some kind of art-collar crime punishable by 3-5 years of reading books on deconstructionist theory, but I'm almost always mentally writing, at least in a non-bloggy sense, especially while at work drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee and avoiding helping others to the best of my ability which is also what I am doing right now because the monolith of interruption is lethal to flights of fancy you lazy and annoying patrons.

And before you say anything, brain, my kind of lazy is charming.

3. Coffee. Morning fuel of the gods and of slacker library employees.

4. Tea. Evening fuel of the gods and slacker fathers and husbands.

5. Stroking the ego.

"I thought this was a family-friendly blog."

Of course it is, Mr. Jump-To-Conclusions, but you know my wife hates me, so it's not like I can list 'show me your id, and I'll show you mine.'

"You like onion rings."

But I don't have them every day like I do the others which is the subject of an entirely different rant because it's my Office of the Pretzeldent-given right to kill Ay-Rabs, kiss Is-reel's ass, wag a finger at the Reds and banana republics not named the United States, all your money are belong to us, and stuff my face with onion rings.

"Complaining?"

Such as this morning. Look, fellow public transportationistas, have your fucking fare in the form of cash or a card ready when you step on the fucking bus because many drivers will wait until you are seated before moving the fucking thing so while you're playing pocket pool and I'm wishing I could stick my headphones directly against your eardrums and turn it up to eleven thereby shattering them to pieces and leaving you in a bloody, writhing agony to ooze down the steps onto the curb, that coffee ain't getting brewed because I'm the first fucking person at work, you fuck. And don't come on the bus with a wallet full of tens and twenties asking anyone and everyone for change then get all pissy when no one has any because the economy sucks, you stupid fuck.

Apparently, someone else from that state tagged me -- is this combined assault because I hate The Fucking Yankees? -- but since I'm a nice guy, I'm only tagging zero, because I can't remember who has or hasn't done this. Here's your chance to be like a bank and steal something without fear of reprisal.

20 comments:

Mary Ellen said...

Geez, I was just stroking my ego this morning, while drinking my morning coffee and "charmingly" avoiding the housework I should be doing. We're so much alike, Randal...only my ego is a little different than your ego. ;-)

Dean Wormer said...

I'm sure you're aware that stroking the ego can lead to blindness, hairy palms and all sorts of unpleasant side effects.

Ask your doctor before doing so.

Thank you.

Sherry Peyton said...

You write? Why am I always the last to know these things?

Dusty said...

Speaking of baseball...are you going to do a yahoo fantasy league?

I do much better in beisbol than I do football. ;p

Liberality said...

1. Music--check. Music is more important to me than most people for some reason. I'd miss hearing more than sight I'm afraid.

Randal Graves said...

ME, we should probably compare egos, just to be sure. ;-)

dean, why do you think I don't make sense half the time? I can't see the keyboard!

Now where did I put that razor...

sherry, you're always the last one to ask?

dusty, oh, absolutely! Spread the word on the tubes and we'll set one up. I'm sure okjimm and spartacus will play. If not, we can force 'em through bribes of bailout loot.

liberality, I cannot imagine never being able to hear Beethoven again. The thought makes me ill.

Snave said...

Those slacker library types and their Belle and Sebastian CDs... heh...

But hey, I like Belle and Sebastian. Lots.

So maybe I should have been a slacker librarian instead of a speech therapist. My parents were both librarians, but they were never slackers. The librarianism has been genetically transferred to me somewhat, but they were never slackers. I have developed that trait on my own. Sigh...

I agree with Liberality. Music is just about the be-all and end-all for me. If I'm not playing it with friends or in my band, I have to have it on the stereo or the computer. The problem is, I like it loud and that gradually decreases the capacity of my ears to hear it. So, my music gets louder and louder and louder!

At first glance I thought it said "Smoking the ego". Now there's an interesting thought.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, you only drink coffee in the morning? No wonder you're ready to go ballistic when some schmuck gets on the bus without change. No wonder you're trying to dodge library patrons instead of confront them head on with useless or diabolically misleading information (e.g. poor old Mrs. Flegm, looking for something on collectible china, lands in the world travel section, while her innocent grandaughter is steered to where the works of Frederik Pohl and Ambrose Bierce await their chance to leave her sleepless the rest of the week).


You're obviously a borderline caffeine deprivation case in need of a few more daily trips to to Starbucks for a cup 'o the daily brew. Think 10, 2, 6 and 10. It'll put hair on your chest if you don't have any and take some off if you do. Besides, it will help the economy.

Dick Tremayne said...

The ego wants what the ego wants. At least twice a day.

MRMacrum said...

What's an ego? Is it an addiction also?

Tengrain said...

Graves, if you were really going to talk about your real addictions, well, this would no longer be a fuckin' family blog. You forget, I saw the movies.

Regards,

Tengrain

Übermilf said...

Is this only the stuff you're willing to admit to/can't be charged with in a court of law?

Because I, for one, think you're holding out.

Utah Savage said...

Was that really five addictions? I think you were holding back. I think you're stingy with your addictions, keeping secrets from us, you very best friends, your closest five hundred or so. What gives with that? I'm going to Ten's to look at the film.

susan said...

A woman sitting across from me on the bus wearing her coat over a nightie and fuzzy slippers on her feet answered the cell phone that was making her bag ring with the words, 'Didn't I tell you never to call me here?'

I walk wherever I can and pay extra rent money just so I don't have to transport publicly.

Suzan said...

I agree, Randal,

Life wouldn't be as sweet without music - the reason I keep down the volume on those nifty headphones. I intend to be listening to Beethoven and Miles as I cruise past 100 - and no, it'll be awhile, but I'm already planning the tunes.

Suzan

Randal Graves said...

snave, what? I too have noticed my ability to hear decreasing as the years advance, but I refuse to blame it on headphones on eleven.

The question is, have your kids successfully learned slackerdom from pop? ;-) I've always found that it's annoying when they are, at least when it comes to homework and the occasional "go brush your teeth already!"

SWA, oh no, sir, I drink coffee essentially all day. I'm with you on the economy though, but Starbucks? What atrocious bile. Strong brew is fine, but that stuff is bitter in a bad way, kind of like watching Congress.

Listen to dick, everyone.

mrmacrum, that's a bit too high-brow zen philosophical for the dummy who runs this place.

tengrain, but everyone already knows I love hermaphroditic porn.

übermilf, no, I'm actually this boring. I did get ticketed once for going straight in a right-turn only lane on the way to see my future wife. Now that's rebellion.

utah, Sexy Randal the Pharaoh Wizard has to keep some secrets. Don't listen to that commie Tengrain.

susan, if that isn't the beginning of a short story, I don't know what is.

If I could walk to work, I would, but I'd probably have to leave at midnight. Thus, slumming with the unwashed masses. Yeah, I called you all filthy, you bastards.

suzan, that's one problem with riding the bus, if you want to hear the music, you all but have to turn it up, and forget any classical save baroque; too many quiet measures, damn cell phoners and grumbling engines.

Spartacus said...

Dude... you fucking rock! I dub you, Mr. Fabulous. I, too, am fond of coffee, but not so much tea, unless it's iced and sweet. Does that make you a god and me a demi-god? Oh, pal Randal, Mr. Fabulous, the world bows at your feet.

You can wake up now. You're almost at your bus stop.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

must be all the additives in the meat .... *tiptoes off*

Distributorcap said...

you need a 12 step program

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