Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Importance of Being Awful

I had to go commit certain deeds

No, I was no gulpy or flat nibbed by some miltonian. A dab of the holywater sprinkler ye deserve, for I was with me lackin suffering a Cleveland particular.* Puckering, this shirkster is? Cost ye a sprat to find out.

*how we received a calamity day (a truly beautiful phrase that conjures up so much more than the sober 'snow day') & the lunatic offspring didn't is one of the Eight Wonders of the Postmodern World. Perhaps I need to rethink the err-on-the-side-of-worthless of the pretzeldent. What, three of a kind already? He's the most whimsical gent of the season.

Calamitious addendum: stuff like this
Ross Local Schools Superintendent Greg Young said that while he’ll be glad to have the calamity days restored, in the long term he believes that American school years need to add more days in order for the U.S. to be globally competitive [ed. note: Winning the Future™] and more in line with the educational systems in other industrial nations.
& this
Part of the impetus behind reducing the number of calamity days, he said, was because each day is important to a child’s education.
always chuckles my gullet unless my electric eye biology somehow missed the memo about papers meaning jack sprat when the jobs shuffle midst where low, low salaries & non-copping benny hills are tolerated you fuckin' kids better be readin', ritin', rithmetickin' & not teaching yourselves Japanese what nerds I raised sob video gamin' (oh crap, I do too, bad example, bad, oh crap, let's go kill some zombies) each day is real important to your indoctrination education but once you're in it's not 'cause funny how six (gasp!) schoolhouse rock sick days (quelle horreur!) gets a sternly worded letter flush with such bunk (importance!) sloughed off by yours truly & the peonage also yours truly gets told to stay cough home cough wheez a sick worker's not a productive worker here drink this hand sanitizer but watch your allotment, we're watching you squeeze squeeze, it does tricks.

A kick in the pants, only a 7.0 on the dive

Speaking of turning doing tricks, even with an expanded playoff format**, can any non-inebriated observer Nostradamus my adopted footie squad DC United -- "even with Branko! & fredsux redux?***" -- getting a participatory gold star? Oh, regressive, you're so mean, having all that talent go west, young man.

**Dear MLS, there's no non-fiduciary need to imitate the basketball or the hockey & their Everyone Gets A Trophy raison d'moolah, but, there it is. A cynic can only hope Real Salt Lake happens ad infinitum.

***now there's a t-shirt idea if ever I get shitcanned. Hope I won't owe royalties.

Oh, who's gonna drink from Lord Anschutz's cup? Don't know, but I'd lay a few bucks down that it won't be the best XI.

Time to kick back, drinks some beers & smoke some weed


Not that I've ever increased the increasingly private reserve eww gross American product, a city & two state universities being my last three employers, but now I'm really not going to unless you count chowing down on heavily-salted crap I bought at the grocery store whilst glued to Fux Soccer & the pages of tomes bought in another enterprise of the non-nourriture variety, wow, I really do want to win the future, unlike you Thursday drunkards rerouting precious public transportationistas though you do buy copious amounts of booze I retract the hate you're the real heroes you baseball-capped bros future boardroom & cabinet masterminds. It's too late for this greybeard, if only I hadn't kept my kids home from school when they were vomiting. I'm the worst parent ever & you can rest assured that's exactly what I'll be working on while away from la bibliothèque, swear.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

unless you count chowing down on heavily-salted crap...


P.S. Don't you get to comfortable up there, Someday a real Lake Erie tsunami will come and wipe the scum off the streets.

Anonymous said...

I had some literal LOLs there, cat. Muy bueno!

I think American Employers need to do what my town's schools do: "early-out" 1 or 2 days/week.

They also need to put cameras everywhere, "to prevent bullying" in the most ironical fashion ever.

Beach Bum said... the long term he believes that American school years need to add more days in order for the U.S. to be globally competitive [ed. note: Winning the Future™]


Randal I really don't like picking on South Carolina but sometimes its just too damn easy. Still sitting at the bottom of every educational achievement list the proud Americans in the Chamber of Commerce have petitioned the state legislature several times to mandate a later state-wide start for schools.

The reason being that when high school and college students return to learning businesses lose most of their cheap work force.

Laura said...

Just wait until some snot nosed kid gets killed, trying to get to school on what should have been a "calamity day". Shit will hit the fan then-wont' it?

*snicker*... calamity days??.... you guys are weird. ;p


Randal Graves said...

if, well hell, I better be less scummy lest I end up sediment.

charles, eliciting a snicker or three means a half-assed job well done.

Fantastic idea, but 'furlough' too much mirrors 'lay-off.' Perhaps we can find a marketer & pay him/her/it six figures to come up with something more appealing?

I know I always feel safer with more surveillance, as would someone on a dashboard cam. Sure, the cop might rough him up a bit, but you can bet your last fake dollar that no unauthorized ruffians would!

BB, oh, corporates, how you've painted yourself into a corner! Cult indoctrination or cheap labor, one or the other! Victory is assuredly ours!

Whoa, that was some *good* stuff.

laura, given the supreme virility of the overmedicated American male, you can be sure that snot-nosed kid is being replaced as we speak of his corpse.


Laura said...

"the supreme virility of the overmedicated American male, you can be sure that snot-nosed kid is being replaced "

Subtract the kid part and that sounds pretty good to me! ;p

Tom Harper said...

I copied the same quote that Beach Bum already copied:

"he believes that American school years need to add more days in order for the U.S. to be globally competitive."

Our whole approach to education is wrong; it has nothing to do with adding more school days. If you're going in the wrong direction, you won't get to your destination by going faster and further.

We're teaching kids to memorize information so they'll pass the next test, and purposely not teaching them how to think or reason. But if we add more school days so we're doing even more of this wrong approach, we'll make America's schools competitive again.


okjimm said...

//gulpy or flat nibbed//

forget them both... just use the Peruvian flake

Demeur said...

Tom since when have they ever taught thought or reason in U.S. schools? They're still based in the agrarian industrial revolution model of the 1800s. I'm surprised they haven't rolled back the child labor laws yet.

The next crop of snot nosed (make that snottier nosed as only the top 1% will afford a college degree) will be selling Chinese sub primes and hedge funds. The game never stops only the players and locations change like the roving crap game that it is.

BDR said...

Dax! Bmpthnx!

Liberality said...

If your sick you shouldn't have to go to school or work. I know I get upset when there are sick people around me because I'm so selfish in that I don't want to be sick next.

I will kick back and have some wine but I don't have any weed, sorry. :)

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I hope you feel better soon (I'm guessing that the fever finally wiped out the rest of the brain cells or something).

But if you kick, don't leave your body to science, leave it to Ray's! It will lower the cost of your wake, you know.



S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, this post opens up new fields to conquer for your multidimensional, gullet-chuckling talent: writing for the younger set. I'm convinced you have more than what it takes to turn textbook mediocrity into something paralleling what L. Ron Hubbard did for whack-o-matic pop nonfiction fiction. There's sure to be money in it. Plus, there's pied-piper-mischief factor.

susan said...

If you win the future do you have to wait for it to arrive or does it come now? If you blink do you miss it only to have it become future past?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I won the future, once.

I was all like "Eggzalent. Teh future. Free. ALL MINE!!!"

But then reality set in. The future costs a fortune in maintenance.

Finally I threw in the towel and donated the future to Goodwill.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I hope your extended absence is only a matter of slacking or because you've discovered some new sports channel you can't tear yourself away from. As opposed to being rounded up and deported to another state by Kasichistas.

Give us a sign, or something.