Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Rancidity Redux, Or, You Think Coming Up With Crap A Few Times A Week Is Easy?

Rawhide hitting the leather, everyone & their hipster sporting sandals with the attendant smelly feet, the gently creeping bloom of color, body odor, roaring motorcycle gangs, suburban crackers thumping faux street cred from their tricked-out rides -- does anyone remember Zeppelin? -- yes, the diabolical sun is gearing up to make its annual rounds round town.

Which means this oldie but baddie torn out of the great web in the sky:

Spring has certainly sprung, how can I tell?
Tolling of a bell, 60° hell?
Absence of ice or a blizzard of snow,
Moonboot prints as far as the eye'll go?
Gasp! No! something far more insidious,
Vilest demon haunting each of us!
A puff of smoke, a whiff of gas that kills
First flowering buds, birds on window sills.
Servant of the state, what on concrete lie?
Three or four butts, wrappers, clean that pig sty!
Infernal grinding, black cacophony
Of filth in our eyes, morn's dark misery.
Grimy combustion, gusts kicking up dust,
Lord, our bane has returned! thy words we trust:
Run, run from the Beast, faster, not slower!
The Devil's creation, the leaf blower!
Sniff, that's bloody awful doggerel.
Sniff squared, sweet printemps retch.
Logarithmic infinity sniff, what, no room for Roombas? Ten buck old fucker claws. There aren't that many cig & stogie butts down & out, buttheads.


Whaddya know, it is raining.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


You have sun? We've got gray and cold and rain and 17 mph winds, down here in the Southern Paradise.

P.S. You Think Coming Up With Crap A Few Times A Week Is Easy?

It's an emm-effer, ain't it.

Randal Graves said...

Oh hell no, it's windy & rainy as fuck. But the sun's coming, & today there certainly was the sick sound of the grounds crew leaf blower on the plaza level churning up discarded tobacco & dust, cleaning nothing.

It's an emm-effer, ain't it.

I shudder at the difficulty if I actually tried to make this place not suck.

Anonymous said...

The leaf blower is one of man's finest achievements, as exemplified by that photo. 4 guys standing around, imagining that they are "working". What "work" are they doing?

Making a huge fucking racket, that's what!

Leaves are BAD! Everything natural is BAD! The only good nature is a dominated nature, groomed to perfection!

thatgirl said...

This line is obviously written by a hater.

"Starr was fired from the band shortly after the release of its breakthrough 1992 album "Dirt," which was packed with drug-related songs."

Randal Graves said...

charles, all through October, November and early December each and every Friday down the road, caravan after caravan of tightly bagged leaves.

Fallen leaves are pretty, you stupid fucks. Suburbanites & their Versailles of the mind. Yeesh.

thatgirl, you didn't notice the subtle admission during Rooster of how Jerry's pop carted back crate after crate of H from the Nam?

susan said...

Is this the reason Americans have forgotten the phrase 'raking someone over the coals'? Leaf blowing them just doesn't have that concept of serious intent.

Tom Harper said...

"You think coming up with crap a few times a week is easy?"

I've been coming up with crap almost every day. It may be crap but it ain't easy.

MRMacrum said...

Leaf blowers and dead musicians. And while we're at it, let's toss in some remote waldoes for the geriatric set. Randal, you covered quite a bit of ground with this post. A tip of my hat to you. Good job. I especially liked the godawful doggerel as I couldn't tell it was that until you told me it was. But I don't agree with you. You wouldn't know doggerel if you wrote it yourself. Uh, wait a minute.........

Chef Cthulhu said...

Fuckin' rain and warmth...bringing an early end to the mid-atlantic snowboarding season.

And your crap is better than my painstakingly planned nonsense.

Ferris Beuller, you're my heee-ro.

Demeur said...

So the amber waves are waving and getting wet as well. Oops forgot you live in the rust belt. Never mind.

S.W. Anderson said...

That "Sniff . . . Sniff squared . . . Logarithmic infinity sniff" progression is a slick device, Randal. Nicely played.

Spring, for those fortunate enough to be able to partake, shares something splendid with summer and fall: it's not $#@!ing winter.

Randal Graves said...

susan, I suppose one could deafen their enemy by tying them to a leaf blower stuck in the on position.

tom, amen, brother. Like pimpin', being crappy ain't easy.

mrmacrum, being the finest exporter of doggerel means being the finest in something. Thank you sir, I now have something to strive for, some meaning in my life!

chef, painstakingly planning anything is a recipe for failure.

demeur, the rust bleeds, does that qualify?

SWA, if winter ever decides to advertise itself, I'm guessing you won't be signing up to be the little Jackie Cooper on the posters.