Set 'em up with the off-speed...

...before knocking 'em down with the heat.

Well played, Mr. Mukasey. Everyone hates the Holocaust. Except Ann Coulter, John Hagee, and various other deranged mouthbreathers who either are the public voice of the conversative cult or have the President's ear.

So, forgive my distrust of anyone that Bush puts forth, because kind words so often lead to bloody actions. Just on pure, pristine principle (Pollyannaish of me, I'll readily admit) we should tell this guy to fuck off, or have I missed someone approved by Congress in the past 6+ years that hasn't turned out to be a wingnut hack? He doesn't appear to be Abu G, but I'm sick of taking chances. Aren't you?

Rudy! related update:
Buvez ! Buvez ! so that we may forget about this.

Cleveland 3, Boston 1

Hot damn. I never thought I'd see the day where our staff, during playoff baseball, would hold Boston's mighty lineup to 5 runs over a 24-inning span. That's a 1.88 ERA, folks, 11.2 innings of which have been gobbled up by unheralded starters Jake Westbrook and Paul Byrd. It's nearly time to cue Peter Venkman's rant, don't you think?

Stockholm Syndrome

"I like him."

- Senator Patrick Leahy on Bush minion Michael Mukasey.

I'm going to start keeping a bottle of something in my desk. I'm open to suggestions, but nothing too harsh. I don't want to set my esophagus on fire, so preferably something smooth that awakens the rich, scented memories of the rolling countryside and its endless fields of wildflowers and tree-lined horizons and, lastly, holds the taste of mellow, thoughtful relaxation that blooms best in a beautiful, secluded café far away from this incresingly dystopian society riddled with malcontents and purveyors of wankery.

We never stop working for you the Feds

"Sure, what else you need? Credit card numbers, pin numbers, social security? Mmm, I got it all, baby."

Verizon Communications, the nation's second-largest telecom company, told congressional investigators that it has provided customers' telephone records to federal authorities in emergency cases without court orders hundreds of times since 2005.

The company said it does not determine the requests' legality or necessity because to do so would slow efforts to save lives in criminal investigations.

OHMYGODWENEEDTHATNUMBERRIGHTNOWANDHAVENOTIME
FORAFISACOURTBECAUSEJACKBAUERISWAITINGFORMYCALL!

Verizon and AT&T said it was not their role to second-guess the legitimacy of emergency government requests.

Funny, Congress has said the same thing. I'm surprised the Fed's Can You Hear Me Now campaign hasn't been a question at a Democratic presidential debate:

"If the only way to stop a nuclear device from going off in Washington, D.C. during a Redskins' playoff game, which would kill millions including football-loving voters who have come together in their shared love of the gridiron and the camaraderie that it engenders, the national and foreign sporting press, and the precious, precious children of those football-loving voters who only wanted to sip hot chocolate while learning about a great American tradition, was to forsake wasting such very valuable time getting a warrant and immediately listening on a person-to-person, incoming foreign call, would you do it? Senator Clinton?"

Anyway, the rest of the article had a few corporate toadies playing Sergeant Schultz - the government and the corporations in cahoots; now, where have I heard that before - and of course, a government tool blathering on about something or other, best demonstrated by the conversation one will never, ever have with a Bush administration official:

"Uh, this isn't going to be about National Security, is it?"
"All things are about National Security, Homer. Except this."

Cleveland 2, Boston 1

And the surprises never stop. Old Man Kenny keeps on chooglin', Jake Westbrook outduels the guy with the inane nickname and, most shocking of all, Baserunners Joe didn't allow a one. Not. One.

Which means, of course, we'll knock off Boston, then lose to the upstart Rockies in the World Series, who will promptly fall back into last next season, leaving Cleveland with the New-And-Improved Extra-Bitter flavor of soul-wrenching defeat in our collective mouth.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 6

The Good: The Edwards/Winslow Show went off without a hitch, thanks to the magisterial stage direction of Derek Anderson (3-0 TD-INT ratio) and the hard charging of ensemble cast members Jason Wright and Jerome Harrison. We score with the critics.

The Bad: Of course, we let a lot of goodwill slip through our fingers. Will the run defense ever improve? Ever? Bueller?

The Ugly: Living lackadaisical late made the score closer than it should have been.

Up next: Rest and relaxation on the sunny shores of Lake Erie.

Cleveland 1, Boston 1

Well, that was certainly an unexpected way to win. I did feel a bit better after escaping Okajima and Papelbon with the score still tied, but talk about a historic fucking meltdown. Too much beans and chowda for newcomer Gagne, I suppose. Don't want to pitch on an empty stomach, but a man's got to know his limitations. Game 3 on Monday? I don't know what the hell will happen. Do you?

Bonus Oddity: The new AP top three tomorrow: Ohio State, Boston College and South Florida? Um, playoff please? Thanks.

Tales From Bizarro World!

When we last left our intrepid traveler, Ms. Rice was bravely confronting the despotic, undemocratic regime of Canada. Avoiding the perils of the Great White North by the skin of her teeth, she now sets her sights on the biggest blight of them all, the wall that cannot be scaled, that forever casts its long, dark, cold shadow over burgeoning freedom, choking off the sun and preventing the seeds of liberty from ever spreading its roots throughout the fertile soil of hope - the United States!

"I think there's too much concentration of power in the White House. I have told the Americans that. Everybody has doubts about the full independence of the judiciary. There are clearly questions about the independence of the electronic media and there are, I think, questions about the strength of Congress," said Rice, referring to the American legislative body.

Powerful words, but will they prove to be Ms. Rice's downfall? Can she be saved before the maniacal thugs of the Stars and Stripes cast her into the Black Pit of Desolation, subsisting only on moldy bread and polluted water, never to see the light of day again?

Tune in next week, True Believers, to find out!

To find out what Ms. Rice actually said, click here.

Assault on Convent 13

"The power of Christ compels you to fuck off!"

According to the Telegraph, "they adopted a siege mentality, hired security guards, changed the locks on the gates and shunned all contact with the outside world."

Police officers used a ladder to scale the convent walls, removed the women, some of whom swore at the police and called them "servants of Satan," and arrested the mother superior and the renegade monk.

Now that's some hardcore Christianity. Makes me a bit disappointed in the nuns I had as teachers growing up. Perhaps the conservatives have been right all along: America is weakening under the nefarious liberal influence. We may have forgotten Poland, but Poland hasn't forgotten The Lord!

Boston 1, Cleveland 0

Walking tall too many.

It's a good thing for C.C. that league awards are voted on before the postseason or he might have garnered only a couple of third-place sympathy votes for the Cy Young. Of course, he'd just send his thank you notes to the wrong location.

But, when you take giving up ten runs, add Jack White pitching as well as he did plus the expert platework of Big Papi and the Real Spaceman, both of whom can go Lee van Cleef on your ass at any time, you're generally going to lose.

However, if Fausto can channel some Mephistophelian magic tonight - all praise to You, Infernal Master of the Nether Realms and a mean fiddle player, to boot - a split in Fenway would certainly be more than palatable. It might even be as tasty as all-you-can-eat Chinese.

Who watches the watchers?

"No, no, hear me out, Vlad. You'll love this idea."

The director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Gen. Michael V. Hayden, has ordered an unusual internal inquiry into the work of the agency's inspector general, whose aggressive investigations of the C.I.A.'s detention and interrogation programs and other matters have created resentment among agency operatives.

I hate - no, I seethe with rage - when people do their taxpayer-funded jobs, but thankfully I'm not alone on this.

"These are good people who thought they were doing the right thing," said one former agency official. "And now they're getting beat up pretty bad and they have to go out an hire a lawyer."

I hear ya, man. I know it's frustrating to go through each day not being able to use the skills of cooperation and social interaction we've been learning since childhood. Like that time when my kindergarten teacher taught us how to press someone's nostrils closed while we held their head underwater in the bathroom sink to get them to let us play with the new box of Legos for a bit, or that time in high school when Jimmy cut ahead of me in line during lunch and the principal demonstrated that the proper technique to teach him a lesson was to apply a very high voltage to his scrotum. Jimmy never cut ahead of me again.

These are good people fighting the good fight, violating every notion of international law and decorum, destroying the very ideas of freedom and liberty so you can keep yours. Within reason, of course.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the lyingest of them all?

"There is an Iranian history of obfuscation and, indeed, lying to the IAEA," she said, referring to the International Atomic Energy Agency.

"There is a history of Iran not answering important questions about what is going on and there is Iran pursuing nuclear technologies that can lead to nuclear weapons-grade material," Rice told reporters aboard her plane as she headed to Moscow.

We certainly have the moral high ground here, with our complete lack of verbal prestidigitation and physical legerdemain throughout the long and storied history of our beloved shining city on a hill, a beacon to all the downtrodden of the world, notably those swarthy types who live on top of our oil most disadvantaged by the cruel vagaries of fate whose strings are controlled by the dark puppetmaster of the infernal depths, Satan.

Oh, how that beaming sun of democracy and freedom has shone brightest within the last six glorious years, the most spectacular and heartwarming show of trust and love towards our brothers and sisters across the seas and throughout all of the Lord's domain since the dawn of time, Amen.

Which is precisely why, lying or not, Iran would probably like some fucking nukes. Would you trust us? It's too bad they'd pose such a threat as to dwarf the measly two or three ICBMs pointed at us for about 40 years, making us all wet our pants and hide under Bill Kristol's bed. Not sure if there's enough room for 300 million, but by gosh, we'll sure try!

You mean they didn't cancel the rest of the playoffs?

As my good friend and blind squirrel Anthony Cartouche is so fond of pointing out, I had some problems predicting potential winners in the LDS. If you were stupid enough to use them in your quest to lose cash, go buddy up to a Republican. There's plenty of wingnut welfare to go around to help you recoup your losses. Write on Teh Gay, Hillary Laughs!, Rudy! as Flash Gordon (the savior of the universe, and all that) or Islamocommunofascistbeheadingism. Any of these topics should help you get started. Anyway, onto the penultimate round:

Arizona vs. Colorado: After last week, fuck if I know. One would have to give the pitching edge to the former, the hitting edge to the latter. The Diamondbacks have Brandon Webb and the Rockies do not, so Arizona in 6.

Cleveland vs. Boston: Hey, did you hear? Joe Torre, The Kindest, Gentlest, Most Decent Man In American Sporting History might lose his job! Derek Jeter is still The Greatest Shortstop Evah! Alex Rodriguez is still The Greatest Choker Evah! And in other, obviously less pressing news, the two best teams in baseball are playing for a shot at the World Series. Two excellent offenses; two superior starting rotations; two talented, if recently - okay, all year for Baserunners Joe - shaky bullpens; what more could you ask for. [Shut up TV execs, The Fucking Yankees lost. Deal with it.] It may not go seven, but I fully expect each game to be pretty damn close with much opportunity for nail biting and the wrenching of guts in the spirit of the 1986 NLCS. A random break either way might decide it. My head says Boston in 7, my heart says the Tribe in the same. Just don't put any money down on it.

Spineless

It's plain to see how easily blogger burnout can burrow itself inside your skull and slowly, painfully, eat your brains, after reading garbage like this.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md., said providing the immunity will likely be the price of getting President Bush to sign into law new legislation extending the government's surveillance authority.

Hey Representative Dumbass - may I call you Dumbass? - the Bush administration hasn't told the truth on a goddamn thing whether in the majority or the minority and, given how it's anathema to how they do business anyway, why would they start now? Bipartisanship; trust; honor; these words simply do not exist anywhere within their banal minds that are equipped with one thing only: a laser-like focus on how to fuck other people's shit up in order to profit from it. But that's fine, don't believe me. Just listen to them spell it out for you.

In a conference call with reporters, a senior Justice Department official called Hoyer's offer "encouraging" but would not commit to sharing the data. The official spoke only on condition of anonymity while negotiations with Congress continue.

Rep. Dumbass, in Republican Newspeak, "encouraging" means "we have those gutless cowards right where we want them." And no matter what less-diabolical-than-before provisions you write up in your New And Improved® We Don't Need No Stinkin' Warrant Bill - a "blanket" court order for up to one year? you can get a whole lotta spyin' done in 365 days - administration criminals are going to do whatever they damn well please. Still don't believe me?

The Bush administration agreed on Oct. 5 to "assemble" that information by Oct. 22 - after the bill is supposed to be voted on by Congress - but warned that many of the requested documents may be withheld.

If that isn't a sucker's bet, I don't know what is. You in?

Cleveland 3, The Fucking Yankees 1

Talking Head A: Did you see how we fucked The Fucking Yankees?
Talking Head B: Fuck The Fucking Yankees!
Talking Head A: And when we fucking fucked The Fucking Yankees?
Talking Head B: Fucking A, how we fucked The Fucking Yankees!

You want insightful, in-depth analysis of the series' major trends such as The Fucking Yankees inability to deal with some bugs, the assorted minutiae of how The Greatest Lineup In The History Of The Known Universe stunk up the joint in not one, but two American cities, and the quirky trivia of why Johnny Damon is a sellout hack who isn't shunned enough, go watch ESPN because all that matters to the proprietor of this ridiculous corner of the internets, and all that should matter to you, unless you're a fan of The Fucking Yankees in which case ha-fucking-ha ad infinitum until your head explodes from the monolithic repetition of that childish taunt, its incessant hammering increasing the pressure in your skull until it splatters its contents so violently that even OxyClean couldn't erase such a mess, is that we fucked The Fucking Yankees.

Now that's the sentence Proust would've wrote on this series if he decided to try his hand at replacing his actual talent with my juvenile vulgarity. And if he had not, you know, died 85 years ago. But I think it's pretty safe to say that he wouldn't have rooted for our Madame Verdurin, The Fucking Yankees.