Subpar Bowl?

Ah, memories.

N.Y. Giants (13-6) vs. New England (18-0): Since the dawn of free agency back in the early 1990s, we've had more close and entertaining Super Bowls than not when compared to the heyday of NFC dominance. Sure, there's the occasional ass-whipping here and there, but that usually results from an odd set of circumstances - Oakland imploding in the face of their former coach, Chucky; the Bears inexplicably making the game with insanely hot-and-cold quarterback play that became as frigid as the equator is not. And since we're on the subject of oddities, even The Other Manning has been playing quite well of late -- a little too well if you ask me. Zoinks!

Comparing positions head-to-head is kind of stupid - the New England offensive line isn't going against the New York offensive line - but the Patriots win nearly every personnel grouping, save defensive line, and even then they have the potential to match Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and company. Their entire roster is so goddamn deep and comes out ahead in nearly every conceivable matchup of strategery.

The Giants' big weakness is their secondary, and Randy Moss' disappearing act notwithstanding - it's a non-issue people - there's a reason why the Patriots scored 589 points, they spread the fucking ball around - why am I using so many hyphens? - Belichick will use every weapon at disposal, air or ground. He's not the best game-day coach in NFL history for nothing. Would've been nice if he had been a bit sharper in the personnel department while here, though. Really, Todd Philcox? But I digress...

Thus, barring some miracle of miracles - Tom Brady getting Theismann-ized and Matt Cassel tossing half-a-dozen picks - there really is no way the Giants can win. Bah-ston won't brutalize you on defense like the 1985 Bears - still the best single-season team I've personally witnessed - but simply outscore you. James Bond, Jrs. 34-20.

So, if those fuckers win...

...the Good: the 1972 Dolphins can finally shut the fuck up.

...the Bad: the 2007 Patriots are only beginning to talk.

...the Ugly: yet another professional sporting season will have passed where the 1948 Browns garner zero recognition. Yet another professional sporting season will have passed where a Cleveland team won jack shit. You know, this is getting tiresome. Come on NBA, you stepped in when Ted Stepien was fucking things up, can't you do it again and force the Nets trade Jason Kidd here for a measly second round pick? We have the best player in his sport for the first time since Jim Brown was bowling over defenders before Lee Marvin came calling and I can't help but feel LeBron's presence will end up being wasted. Then, once his contract is up, the bright lights of the big city come calling and it's back to years of 28-54.

At least Johan Santana is out of the fucking league, so that makes things a bit easier for the baseball team with the worst logo in professional sports. Now, if the Browns can only find a mighty defensive tackle -- oh, don't mind me, I'm just wallowing in my natural state of sporting misery.